With Black History Month wrapping up, I want to tell you about a Very Special Episode of Captain Planet and the Planeteers.

It is called:
'Teers in the 'Hood

Yep, that's right. Captain Planet, the Ted Turner-created show about an environmentalist superhero whose dialogue consists almost entirely of terrible puns, did a Very Special Episode about gang violence.

It's VERY special.

We begin with a teacher in a local high school talking to his bored students about the civil rights movement.

Students randomly chime in during his speech with "yeah!" and "oh man!" One student in particular looks surprised for no discernable reason.

Pan to a TV showing anti-slavery advocates and civil rights leaders.

A student in the back of class is reading Oscar Micheaux's The Conquest (I think). The title is printed in small letters on the corner of the back cover, rather than the front of the book, as they usually are.

Pan back to the TV showing even more sketches of civil rights leaders. This is a TV, not a projector, and it's really not clear how the teacher is making the images progress. Is this a VHS tape? Did he time his speech perfectly?

And oh yeah, don't forget the Kennedies.
(•_•)

Oh, but what's this? Some students are passing notes in class! Notes that suggest VIOLENCE oh no! And right as the teacher is pleading with them to "stop the gangs"!

Lovin' the cartoon bomb they drew on the note.

This episode has these segments where people are doing bad things, while CRIME JAZZ MUSIC plays and images of civil rights advocates are, like... hovering around in the background.

One more. I love these so much.

By the way, credit to "crime jazz music" where it's due. https://twitter.com/jfruh/status/1317580900566118400

So obviously, there's a gun fight, and some poor kid is caught in the middle without any shelter. He's crouching down, and I love that the only poster stapled to this streetlight is an image of MLK Jr at thigh level.

One of the Wrecking Crew realizes that it's his brother Ronnie caught in the crossfire. (Depicted: the guy trying to stop his friend from shooting his brother.)

The Evil Educators return fire. Both gangs are shooting an astonishing amount. (Depicted: The Evil Educators.)

A yellow car pulls up to help Ronnie. Hooray, it's the teacher! But, uh-oh, his window explodes. He's clearly been shot, and since the bullet went through the window, it must have either hit his head or shoulder. But (spoiler) he's still alive, so... huh?

Cut to the Planeteers, who are in high school for some odd reason. Wheeler kindly provides some exposition, talking to Gi.

"I wonder if Linka and Kwami are having any luck finding out who shot your friend?"

And there's our beautiful, beautiful setup.

Gi is friends with Mr. King (yes, his name is David King), and the 'Teers go undercover in an inner city high school to find the culprit.

They wear appropriate disguises, as you can see. Gi: "How can you two joke around when David's fighting for his life?" Thanks for the exposition, Gi! Teacher's still alive, yay!

A fight breaks out in school! You know what this means? CRIME JAZZ MUSIC and the ghosts of civil rights leaders! We learn that the tall guy is Main Dog, the leader of the Wrecking Crew. The attacker, Theo, is an Evil Educator.

A line from Kwami demonstrates the wonderful cluelessness of this show.

Aside: You know how this show never made any sense, because in real life people pollute the environment as a side effect of consuming goods and services?

Y'know how, with one main exception (Luten Plunder), the villains pollute just because they... like polluting? They're really pollute-y kinda people who hate the environment? And the show hardly ever recognizes that pollution happens because normal people want it to happen?

Well, it doesn't fair much better when it comes to gang violence.
Kwami: "I do not understand why there is such hatred, just because the gangs live in different housing projects."
Wheeler: "Kwami, my man, it's all territory and who controls it. I've seen it all my life."

Territory for what, Wheeler? What do they control about it?

That's right. The show never recognizes that gangs are involved in criminal activity FOR MONEY, and the violence is a predictable byproduct of black markets.

Anyway, the fight ends due to a spill in the chemistry lab, and the 'Teers want to summon Captain Planet. So they run off to find Ma-Ti, whose "special ed class is in the next building."

...What.

Special ed?

They summon Captain Planet, who quips, "This is definitely NOT better living through chemistry."

Yes, I am going to give you every last goddamn pun he makes in this episode, because I love you.

He busts up a fire hydrant and spins to create a whirlwind of water. "I'd better take a little spin before I go back to school!"

He rescues Theo and a teacher. "Today's assignment: Live and let live!" What was the water spinning for? To dissipate the smoke a tiny bit, I guess. Then he puts out the fire by blowing the erupting fire hydrant water into the third story window and leaves.

Ma-Ti discloses that he's befriended Ronnie, Main Dog's little brother. Cut to a football field, where Linka grimly says to Kwami: "Look, there is *Clayton*." The disgust in her voice is thick as butter.

Clayton: "Man, I don't believe it!"
Zap: "I thought you told your sister not to hang with that sped!"

Ronnie is in special ed, thus "sped". Naturally.

Looks like the leader of the Wrecking Crew's brother has a thing going with the leader of the Evil Educator's sister! Wuh-oh!

She tells Ronnie: "You have to tell the police you saw who shot Mr. King!" She is apparently unaware about the national policy, re: snitches.

Ronnie: "No way! It'll just start more trouble. And don't you rat, either! I'm sorry I told you."

Start more trouble is code for "get me or my loved ones murdered," apparently.

Ma-Ti runs up behind them like a dork to say hi, and tells the audience the girl's name is Julie. Thanks, Ma-Ti. You are the most useful 'Teer, as always. Now leave this scene. You're done.

Clayton: "Girl! I told you to stay away from that sped!" Clayton has a wonderfully overacted gruff voice.
Julie: "You don't run my life! Besides, being in special ed doesn't mean that Ronnie's not smart."

...What.

I saw this episode more than 15 years ago and I am still very confused about what "special ed" means in this school.

Julie: "He's smart enough to stay outta gangs!"

Oh, ok.

Clayton: "Don't you be dissin' me!"
*Pulls out a gun.*
"You frontin' me, sped?"

Kwami: "Wait!"
Clayton: "You just blew it, sucKAH."

Wheeler steps in by tackling Kwami (?), and a teacher who was, like, 10 feet away notices and breaks the fight up. She didn't notice the gun. Too subtle, I guess.

Clayton: "I'm warnin' you, fool. Leave my sister alone or it's R.I.P. time for you!"
He spells it out, and puts an extra emphasis on the P. I love this line. It gives me life.

Ah, but Wheeler's stupid stunt has impressed Clayton! "Cool moves, man!"
Wheeler: "Thanks. I thought he was pulling a gun, figured I'd better jump in."

Did I mention that this episode fucking rules?

Clayton invites Wheeler to hang some time. Wheeler, as awkwardly as humanly possible, mumbles, "Right, yeah, nnn... that'd be great."

Cut to a hospital, with Harriet Tubman overlaid because why not. Gi's visiting Mr. King. Great time for more social commentary!

Linka: "I still cannot understand why they must resort to bloodshed!"
Wheeler: "I'll tell you why. They don't think they've got a future. All they've got is their turf."

Linka accepts this answer even though it makes no sense. Gi informs that Mr. King might die, oh no.

Cut back to the school, where Gi and Wheeler are arguing.
Gi: "I don't care what you say, Wheeler. Mindless violence can't be justified!"
Wheeler: "Who's talkin' justification, Gi? I'm talkin' reality."

Clayton interrupts to say that they're going to the "game room".
Wheeler: "Cool! I love video games."
Clayton: "We ain't playin' no games, man. We hittin' the spot to score some gats."
Gi: "Gats?"
Wheeler: "Ahhh guns."

Cut to an arcade where a gun deal goes down. Civil rights leaders look on disapprovingly. Clayton is shelling out for something "fully automatic". Even though Clayton barely knows them, Gi and Wheeler are allowed to stand five feet away.

Clayton tosses Wheeler a gun. MLK Jr disapproves. Clayton asks, "How you like your new piece, man?" Then he lets out a cartoon villain guffaw.

Wheeler says he doesn't have any money, but Clayton says he'll take it out in favors.
Gi: "THIS'll do a lot of favors."
Once again, though Gi is clearly opposed to all of this, she was allowed to witness someone purchasing a highly illegal weapon. Clayton trusts her, it's cool.

Clayton, Zap, and Wheeler confront Ronnie coming out of the school. "It's special education time, Ronnie. We gonna teach you a lesson!"

Ronnie says he knows who shot the teacher, and Zap basically tells the audience right there that he's the culprit. (Spoiler, who cares.) He reacts with huge surprise. "HUH!?!?!? You're FULL of it!!!"

Ronnie threatens to tell the cops it was Clayton. I disagree with Julie's assessment of Ronnie's intelligence. Clayton threatens Ronnie, who dashes into the school and shuts off the lights.

The 'Teers (except Wheeler) are just kinda watching all of this, doing nothing.

Anyway, we now have a chase sequence with no dialogue, so you know what that means?

CRIME JAZZ MUSIC and images of civil rights leaders and abolitionists!

Clayton catches Ronnie. "It's favor time, Wheeler. Take care of the fool!" Wheeler stalls, poorly, and Kwami appears out of fucking nowhere to stop the situation. Then the Wrecking Crew shows up, oh shit! Retreat!

Oh, Kwami's in good now with the Wrecking Crew because he saved Main Dog's brother. Sweet, now there's an out of place dork in each gang.

This 7 second exchange is the closest thing the show gets to acknowledging that drugs are even a thing. And it doesn't use any of the established gang members as the seller. So, still no recognition that gang violence comes from black markets.

In the building, Julie asks Clayton what he did to Ronnie, who didn't show up for a meeting. Clayton insists he didn't do anything while ghosts of civil rights leaders disapprove.

Wrecking Crew folks break in and tells Clayton to have Ronnie back by midnight or "it's all on" at... a water... park?

Kwami whispers to Wheeler that Ma-Ti is missing too. Wheeler: "He must be with Ronnie!" Ronnie and Ma-Ti are tied up together in some dilapitated house in the... suburbs? That's an awful lot of lawn space for the inner city.

Their kidnapper enters and sets the place on fire.
Ronnie: "You know I'm no squealer!"
Obviously Zap: "Not now, you ain't!"

Yep. A water park. "Just a couple of minutes and the Evil Eds get educated." Ooh, burn.

The gangs confront each other. Clayton denies knowing where the "sped" is, and yells, "Come on, let's wreck the crew!" Oh, burn!

Julie interrupts: "Ronnie saw who shot Mr. King, and he told me!" But, uh-oh, someone is about to shoot HER! (That person would then definitely be able to get away from both gangs without being identified.)

Wheeler sees the culprit and FIREs him. With his ring, not his gun. And it's... the only gang member who has had more than one line and wasn't already in the scene! Surprise!

Zap, both gangs are here, and that's your friend's sister. How do you think this is going to end?

Answer: With WATER. Thanks, Gi! Now they can shoot him without risking Julie's life!

Wait, what's this? They might not need to! Gi is so fueled with rage that she tries to fucking murder Zap with her ring.
Wheeler: "Gi, you don't really wanna do this!"
Gi: "Yes I do!"
Wheeler: "This is his way, Gi. Not yours."
Gi: *Gives up immediately.*

Ok, but... literally everyone here who's not a 'Teer wants him dead, and they all have guns, so...

Well, they need to find out where Ronnie is before they can get to murderin'. But Zap has bad news: "Don't matter! It's too late!"

It's true, they can't help. But you know who can?

You know who can, and you are about to suffer some motherfucking puns, and it's going to hurt so good.

Ma-Ti uses his psychic HEART powers to tell his friends to do the thing, and they do the thing.

"I don't wanna be a PANE, but I see a WINDOW of opportunity!"

This pun has been stuck in my head for over a decade. I gift it, now, to you.

CP: "You do know that smoking's bad for your health..."

Motherfucker they almost died!

"Nothing like a wild ride to get rid of an old flame!"

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Anyway, Julie is happy that Ronnie's ok, Clayton is mad that Julie is going near the sped again, and Wheeler interrupts: "Hasn't there been enough fighting?"

That's what was really needed, to stop the violence. A white person to butt in and say "Hasn't there been enough fighting?"

Gi accuses both gang leaders of being "just as guilty as Zap" because they "continue to tell their gangs to use guns and violence."

Gi: "Can't you see? It's time to stop Wrecking, and start really Educating."

Every second of this episode brings me joy.

"It's time to stop making Blood come out, and start helping real Cripples!"

"It's time to stop being Outlaws, and start making Hell really pleasant for Angels."

CP: "Gi's right! Peace or war, it's your choice." Don't mind the dead people behind me.

Naturally both gang leaders immediately draw their guns. And then... the montage.

For one minute and 53 seconds, the show plays a montage of red-tinted versions of photos, of civil rights leaders, burned churches, guns, protests, and so on. Occasionally the images are overlaid by the gang leader's eyes, so you know the montage is in their heads.

(Aside: This one seems... particularly inappropriate to have the Cartoon Network logo hovering over it. Not that it was in the original broadcast.)

The images are frequently punctuated by gunshots. All the while, the speech from their teacher at the beginning is playing, cut up with MLK Jr's I Have A Dream speech. And all while that's going on, Sister Rosa by the Neville Brothers plays:

And after standing there and pointing guns at each other for two full minutes, the gang leaders decide: "Idunno, man, maybe we can work something out."

CP: "The power is YOURS!"
MLK Jr: "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I'm free at last!"
Seriously. One immediately after the other. Don't they juxtapose so well?

"What's gonna happen to Zap?"
"We're gonna let the courts decide."

'Cause yeah, these gang members are all about just... turning people into the police.

Clayton: "How about coming along and explaining just who you guys really are."
Wheeler: "Us? We're just average kids trying to help make a better world."

Also, surprise, the teacher doesn't die.
Gi: "Ronnie and Julie have proved that kids can get along, no matter where they come from."
Mr. King: "Now that's a lesson worth learning."
Everyone claps and cheers.

The end.

The post-episode blahdeeblah they always do is "There's nothing cool about guns, let's stop the violence, the power is yours, yada yada."

I will give the show this: While none of the teens talk like a teen actually would, the show did get African American Vernacular English basically right. None of the characters who use it say anything ungrammatical under that dialect.

https://web.stanford.edu/~zwicky/aave-is-not-se-with-mistakes.pdf