kaminari who goes to the wrong place for an interview and accidentally joins the mafia.

he's extremely lucky in avoiding death and surprisingly good at it so they make him aizawa's partner, who turns out to be the dad of the hot cat cafe owner guy kami saw the other day++

art by the worst/best roommate evah @sweet_arsenicc . this started as a thought then we + @heiyinliao kept piling on it. now i offer to you, this humble masterpiece. https://twitter.com/sweet_arsenicc/status/1355496443503542275?s=20

[ humor thread but tw: guns , crime undertones , mentions of killing and violence ]

[ tags: dadzawa , #erasermicfamily , #kaminari , au, no quirks au , cat cafe owner #shinsou , piercings + tatted up shinsou (bless him) , eventual #shinkami ]

[ Repost because losing likes and retweets is a small price to pay ] https://twitter.com/dekugoes/status/1364241248840609793?s=19

so we all know that kaminari's the kind of unlucky dumbass who ends up knocking on a mafia hideout's door. some big hulking man stops him and gets all, "hey stop right there. who are you?"

kami thinks he's there for internship like, "oh is this where i'll be interviewed?"

the other mafia men start elbowing each other like, "hey what if he's the guy who took care of the 60 gangsters?"

another guy realizes, "oh yeah. the boss did say he was coming in today. let him in."

then they let the dumb dumb boi in.

kaminari's taken to the boss straight away, in a room full of swole tatted men and he's not even fazed.

the mafia boss, who killed his dad for the throne or some shit, slams his fists on the table. he tries to intimidate kami like, "what can you offer?"

"uhhh, i make good cappuccinos" is the kid's response.

it only riles the mafia boss even more. his wingmen stand on edge now. his voice is booming and he demands an answer, "are you being serious?"

kami doesn't even flinch. "yeah?"

there's a pause before the boss sinks back on his chair, grunting softly.

"you're in. i like your spunk, kid. see all these fools? they're just a bunch of yes men. but you, you're something. aizawa! he's your new partner now."

aizawa takes a look at kaminari who asks, "rad. what position do i write to credit the internship?"

the kid won't last a week, no, the kid won't make it past two days.

much to aizawa's chagrin, his new partner is still there by next week.

[ tags and tw: minor character death , mentions of death , mentions of enji because he's not getting away from this humor thread , maybe we'll get to see shinsou and his cat cafe soon? ]

he finds the boy in conversation with enji, someone who hasn't spoken to anyone else in the mafia for YEARS. aizawa's just plain bewildered as he listens to enji sob.

"after my wife died, i felt as if i was undeserving of another woman's embrace."

the kid just pats the man's shoulder in understanding. he sympathizes, "aw enji (omg first name basis), i'm sorry to hear that. i know just what you need."

aizawa leaves to make coffee. when he comes back, the two of them are huddled over something.

he stays to listen to kaminari explaining.

"so if you like her, you swipe right, and oh, SHE'S cute. and oh my god, you guys matched! now she's sending you a message."

enji just stares at the phone. "what do i do now?"

the kid takes it from him and starts typing. "you can say hiii gorgeous. let's put three blue hearts and like that, OMG you've got a date!"

aizawa's just there like whattt. enji sighs in relief.

"thank you, kaminari. you've given me a new start," the man sniffles.

—

so imagine them planning a heist or smth. aizawa's in the zone, explaining the technicalities of it like, "that's the end of the plan. you motherfuckers better not be late."

but the mafia aren't paying attention.

it's because kaminari's got his hand raised at the end of the table like he's still at school.

"uhhh, i've got a physics test on thursday. so i need to study tomorrow night. can we reschedule it instead?"

the question make aizawa's vein pop.

shouta's about to lose it when his boss speaks up, "aizawa! reschedule the whole thing. we can't have our best man flunking physics."

aizawa can barely believe what's happening as the other mafia agree. kami just breezes out the door like, "thanks, i owe you guys a solid."

alright, more stuff here we go. imagine the two mafia men on lookout.

aizawa's on edge, being observative and all. this is a super duper dangerous mission. he's just looking at a picture of his son, shinsou, all emotional. might not see him again that kinda shit.

kaminari's loud voice suddenly says, "hey boss man, your son's hot!"

his exclamation is so sudden that it startles aizawa. he's like, "kid, don't do that."

kaminari just laughs. he's not even watching the door where their rival group is supposed to come out of. he's busy fiddling with his phone case, shaking the water to move the rings inside.

probably what mafia au kaminari's phone case would look like.

how it works? when you press the button on the bottom and it makes the water shoot up, then you have a game to play in your phone case. neat and smth so trademark denki.

long story short: aizawa loses his focus in those short seconds. the rival group gets away. they gotta report back to the boss. kaminari's still vibing.

ignorance is bliss, i guess.

because the kid has classes or some shit, the kid ends up leaving the dirty work to shouta.

[ no quirks and college au btw ]

so there shouta is, in front of the boss with his head down, ashamed to be reporting back a mission failure.

the boss goes, "WHAT? YOU LOST THEM? wasn't chargebolt keeping watch with you?"

the big guy's face is so red that you can almost hear the kettle whistle.

and aizawa knows he's in trouble but he feels relieved that the kid will finally get the boot. he wasn't going to stay an idiot's partner any longer. he can almost taste the freedom.

aizawa's like, "he was, sir. he wasn't paying attention."

and his boss is L I V I D. like can-fry-eggs-on-top heated, but then he calms down, scratches his chin and goes, "that kid continues to test me. he's quite the gutsy bastard."

so aizawa is just

—

okay, let's head over to cat cafe owner shinsou for a bit.

it's a quaint place–a small, homey space filled with the fluffiest cats. the only reason why the place catches kaminari's eye is because he sees tatted up, pierced shinsou opening the lock.

thot crosshairs? activated.

it's ironic because shinsou's the one who looks all intimidating but kaminari's the one in mafia.

anyway, so the place has two employees. bakugou cooks. todoroki serves and waits on the customer. or well, he's supposed to.

funny thing is shinsou never actually hired todoroki.

the guy showed up one day, liked the cats, and kept showing up. he'd watch shinsou and bakugou do their jobs. it wasn't long before he started to help.

shinsou felt bad about exploiting this weirdo so he says, "todoroki-san, i'm going to have to start paying you."

[ i live for #todoroki being a dumbass ]

todoroki's baffled. "why so?"

"well, because you work here now."

"no, i don't."

"but, you help us out."

"yeah so?"

"you eat our food and enter the area for employees only, todoroki-san."

[ i'm cackling ]

todoroki's still unconvinced. "but i don't need the job."

shinsou tries something else. "if you don't work here, you can't pet the cats after closing hours. you'll have to leave like everybody else."

those mismatched eyes stare at shinsou. "i can't?"

in the end, todoroki ends up working for the cat cafe. he does his job and seems to get along with bakugou. he complies when shinsou tells him to brush the cats or close the store but he's the worst waiter ever.

a random customer would come in and ask what's the daily special.

todoroki just deadpans, "how the fuck would i know?"

shinsou's there growing multiple layers of new eyebags from the stress of dealing with todobaku and running a business. it's bad enough that the two bicker, but the sexual tension is even worse.

[ tags: #todobaku ]

one time, shinsou comes in to find the pantry shelf broken. he knows some monkey business is up, but he still questions the two about it, anyway.

he interrogates, "so how was the shelf broken?"

todobaku gives each other a side glance. "uhm, we fell."

shinsou quirks an eyebrow up. "at the same time?"

the two idiots don't even try to be subtle. "uhm yeah," they cough out, "we were holding hands."

shinsou lets it go because his staff isn't as insufferable as the tan blond who keeps flirting with him after work.

—

kaminari's seen shinsou in aizawa’s pictures before, but he didn’t expect him to be this hot in person so there is no way in hell that he’s going to let this catch go.

that's how he finds himself outside the cafe after closing hours, trying to be all slick like, "hey hot stuff".

shinsou looks around for a bit before pointing at himself. "are you talking to me?"

when this gorgeous stranger actually responds, kaminari starts going into bisexual disaster mode. he's like, "yeah. heard you real good with puss-i mean, cats?"

shinsou starts walking away because he thinks kaminari's making fun of him but then the blond twink shows up the next day too and the next day and on their first date.

before aizawa knows it, his son's smitten over some guy. curious, he visits to size this fella up one day.

as soon as he enters shinsou's cafe, he turns back around to leave. he’s too slow apparently because he hears the shout of “HEY BOSS MAN!”

no turning back now. aizawa steps back inside the café to see kaminari seated at a table, grinning as if he hadn’t just invaded the place

that aizawa can see his son and cuddle cats in peace.

the thought that this haven is no longer safe from the blond makes aizawa sigh. “kaminari, what did I say about my son?”

“uhhh..” kaminari sits up in his seat.

that warrants another sigh. “i don’t want you dating him.”

wrong thing to say, apparently. the blond dumbass perks up immediately. “oh shoot, is that what shinsou has been saying? man, i thought i was doing a bad job but we dating now?”

hitoshi makes his way to them. he quirks a pierced brow up. aizawa hates those piercings. “who’s dating who? you know dad?”

“he’s my colleague, hitoshi,” aizawa grits out. the truth hurts and the fact that this kid was still on the job after four months is hurting aizawa.

[ poor guy. he just needs his sleeping bag. ]

there’s a look of realization on shinsou’s face as he puts the pieces together. he’s a smart kid. aizawa knows that he’ll figure it out.

“hitoshi, excuse us, i’ll have a word with my partner if you don’t mind.”

to kaminari, aizawa says, “get your things. we’re leaving–“

“aww, but i just paid for an hour to pet the cats! your son doesn’t price this thing cheap, ya know.”

“now because enji’s group surrounded the bank. they need help with handling the hostages.”

[ to be continued. i hope this humor thread makes you guys laugh though. it amuses me for now. ]

[ beginning of thread ]

[ humor thread but tw: guns , crime undertones , mentions of killing and violence ] https://twitter.com/dekugoes/status/1355534431017033741?s=20

kaminari pouts but he does what he’s told. sometimes aizawa forgets that he’s just a kid.

aizawa waits for kaminari outside and catches the tail end of his whining, “but i’m really into shinsou, boss man."

"is that so?" aizawa looks at kaminari and tries to think of him as his son-in-law. he prays that his face doesn't look like he's seen death because holy crap that sure is how he's feeling right now.

"yeah. he's so hot and funny." kaminari's still pouting as they start walking

to the car. "shinsou's so cool and mature and have you seen those tattoos?”

aizawa wants to reply that yes, he has seen the tattoos and piercings and hates them with every fiber of his miserable being. "i don't want to get hitoshi involved in my job."

"our job," kaminari corrects him with a grumble. "but won't he find out eventually?"

aizawa evades that thought. the kid actually has a point? this makes aizawa groan out.

"anyone ever tell ya not to mix work and personal life? like be careful who you date and shit?"

"hasn't stopped me from sleeping with whoever i'm working with—hey wait up, not like i'm gonna date ya! why'd you walk faster, boss man?!"

—

[ hi pls do not take this thread seriously. i made it for laughs ]

in no time, they’re walking to the back of the bank, being let in by their boss’s men.

enji's so big and dummy thicc that they find him right away. he gives them a nod. “we need to talk. let’s take the back office.”

aizawa agrees. the room is away from the crowd of hostages who are seated in a circle, surrounded by men in guns. if operations go smoothly, they

won't even have to lift a finger.

enji starts leading aizawa so he follows suit, with a very enthusiastic kaminari behind him. "aww yee, time to get serious in the back room—"

aizawa stops the kid. "i will go there to talk business. on the other hand, you will stay here and guard the hostages."

"but—"

"no butts." a snicker. gosh, mafia kaminari has aizawa popping blood pressure pills in here.

the kid replies okay and turns around to do as he's told. he looks giddy about something.

aizawa's a foot inside the back room when he hears, "ORAYTTT WHADDUP PARTY PEOPLE? HEARD YOUR BANK GOT ROBBED OR SOME SHIT BUT DON'T WORRY. YOUR BOY IS IN THE HOUSE."

he face palms, but gets ready to discuss strategy with enji nonetheless.

there's a crowd of people. kaminari thinks he's good at crowds. they're bound to have fun, right?

"i'll be your party host for tonight—"

[ humor thread but tw: guns , crime undertones , mentions of killing and violence ]

some opponent gun man, who is apparently still alive, starts shooting with an assault rifle. kaminari doesn't even miss a beat, fires back, then turns to the hostages as the body drops dead.

"what a PAIN, amirite? yall look so pale so let's play ice breakers man."

the kid is practically bouncing, vibrating with extroverted chaotic energy.

kaminari: they're doing the boring stuff over there. but us? we're going to have FUN.

hostages:

k: now I want you to think of an adjective that starts with the same first letter as your name- oh oh, I'll go first! Cumslut.

and lol, he prob looks so proud of himself.

kaminari gestures to the visibly scared woman beside him. he's so excited at how fun this will be because it's "your turn, mam!"

person, trembling but even more confused than scared especially with kami beside her: t-trustworthy tina
K: yEAH, now that's the spirit!