It& #39;s the end of a very confusing year for me.

Short of it is, it& #39;s been the most successful year of my career, but it has wreaked havoc on my mental health.

**Trigger warning**
I go into a lot of detail about how bipolar disorder affects my day to day life

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🧵" title="Thread" aria-label="Emoji: Thread"> Thread
A bit of background.

I tweeted this just when I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder after like 10 years of trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

I was optimistic, with a good treatment plan, I& #39;d be stable enough to do more with my life. https://twitter.com/allanibutiti/status/1159562944201601030">https://twitter.com/allanibut...
Things got really good. I had a great routine, was sober, my productivity at work went through the roof, my relationships improved, I was exercising.

For once, I was stable!

After 6 months, I had the confidence to do more and started looking for the next step of my career.
In Feb, I got offered an opportunity to co-found an interesting fintech with a uni buddy of mine who& #39;d "secured" some funding. I& #39;d take a modest salary (still better than Andela https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😂" title="Gesicht mit Freudentränen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit Freudentränen">), build the MVP and shoot for Y-Combinator towards the end of the year. I jumped at it fast!
Covid at this point was only an outbreak in China. But as I finished up at Andela towards the end of March, shit hit the fan all around the world. The same day I cleared with Andela, the funding got pulled and the startup was dead before it even started.

And I had no savings https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥶" title="Cold face" aria-label="Emoji: Cold face">
I had the option of going back to Andela. I loved my engagement @shipwell and I was optimistic they& #39;d take me back

I took a bet on myself instead, gave myself the opportunity to grow https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚀" title="Rakete" aria-label="Emoji: Rakete">

I, fortunately, had ~3 months of runway from my final dues, yay for unused leave days https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😅" title="Lächelndes Gesicht mit offenem Mund und Angstschweiß" aria-label="Emoji: Lächelndes Gesicht mit offenem Mund und Angstschweiß">
This was about the time the lockdowns started. And boy had I underestimated how difficult things were going to become!

I applied to like 50 jobs, got back on Upwork and bid on close to 100 listings and NOTHING was coming up https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😭" title="Laut schreiendes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Laut schreiendes Gesicht">
My routine fell apart, I wasn& #39;t exercising coz the gyms were closed, I had this low-grade, constant anxiety. I was keeping up with my meds but I started drinking again to take the edge off. I wasn& #39;t seeing my therapist since I didn& #39;t have medical insurance and couldn& #39;t afford it.
Fast-forward to mid-April. I& #39;d make the May rent but I& #39;d not make it through the month.

Good things started happening

I met my girlfriend!
A Quickbooks integration contract perfect for me showed up on Upwork, and I got it. I even bid half of what they& #39;d offered https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😂" title="Gesicht mit Freudentränen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit Freudentränen">
http://soap-bx.com"> http://soap-bx.com  were a 1-year-old US startup in the process of building their version 1. They were a perfect fit for me. I wanted a longer-term arrangement with them so I considered this an extended interview and gave it EVERYTHING!!
End-May, I finished the contract. They loved my work and offered me a full-time contractor position https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥳" title="Partying face" aria-label="Emoji: Partying face">

The completed contract paid $250, it wasn& #39;t enough to make it through June.

But, they offered to pay for the first month in advance! And it was ~3x my Andela pay https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤯" title="Explodierender Kopf" aria-label="Emoji: Explodierender Kopf">
Same week, I also got an offer from @TwigaFoods to join the team building out their payments system.

I really wanted to work for a Kenyan company, and with Mpesa. Plus Twiga ran microservices.

They too were a great fit and I& #39;d learn A LOT even if the pay wasn& #39;t as nice.
Two fantastic opportunities with different merits.

Then mental illness showed its ugly head.

A pinch of low self-esteem & belief, a splash of survivor& #39;s guilt and a sprinkle of anxiety...

It triggered the WORST depression episode since I started treatment https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😔" title="Nachdenkliches Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Nachdenkliches Gesicht">
I had a decision to make. Pick one or both? If I pick one, which one?

Now, depression and decision making do not go hand in hand folks https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😂" title="Gesicht mit Freudentränen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit Freudentränen">

My mum, @muniu, the late Baba Muthoni and my girlfriend came in clutch and helped.

I took both jobs!

Twiga - 9am-5pm
Soapbox - 5pm - 1am
The first payment from Soapbox came through...

... did much-needed grocery shopping, had some takeout that I& #39;d missed so much... a lot of booze... moved to a new house... new jobs...

... triggered a HUGE hypo-manic episode!

My mood swung to the other side literally overnight
Unlike depression, mania is difficult for me to identify because it& #39;s how my self-image of how & #39;stable and thriving& #39; looks and feels.

My mind is INCREDIBLY sharp
I can focus and work like a robot
My confidence and creativity are at 3000%
I only need 2 hours of sleep

for weeks!
Mania helped A LOT with juggling the simultaneous onboarding at both Twiga and Soapbox.

But, it establishes unreasonable expectations for me.

Fortunately, I learnt from my previous jobs to inform both my very supportive managers of my bipolar quirks
I& #39;d completed a year of treatment in Aug, and got off my mood stabilizers.

Tbh, if that psychiatrist appointment hadn& #39;t happened while still manic, I& #39;d have opted to stay on them, but I thought I was fine now and couldn& #39;t remember the depression (mania comes with memory loss)
After 6 weeks of crushing it at both jobs, I started feeling tired, struggled to get work done for a few days...

then 1 morning I couldn& #39;t get out of bed.

I couldn& #39;t answer my phone or respond to texts/slack. I was unreachable from everyone, including both jobs, for days...
It took the Twiga HR calling my mum (emergency contact), her coming from Eldoret to my house and finding me in a very sorry state.

I officially took a week off from both.

I, fortunately, got out of depression and got back to work
Literally 2 days in, I could feel my anxiety going through the roof

It finally became clear that working 16 hour days was far from sustainable for me.

At the end of September, 4 months in, I left Twiga because it was the more stressful of the two jobs.
Problem solved, right?

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😂" title="Gesicht mit Freudentränen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit Freudentränen"> of course not!

Since then, I& #39;ve had episode after episode. But they& #39;ve been pretty tame, mostly thanks to therapy and my support system

The last manic one had me start a new business https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😁" title="Grinsendes Gesicht mit lächelnden Augen" aria-label="Emoji: Grinsendes Gesicht mit lächelnden Augen"> (follow @ShootersShopKe)
I was in a pretty bad depression all of last week and just came out of it.

I& #39;m back to work today. I& #39;ll stay hopeful the challenges of my mental illness are outweighed by the quality of my work.
It& #39;s also clear I still have a lot more self-work to do. And that& #39;s alright.

No work of art is ever complete, right?
All in all, this year is a win. A hard-fought win at that.

I& #39;m still alive
I showed up ~70% of the time
I took a bet on and trusted myself
I learnt to choose my well being over anything else
I am kinder to and more accepting of myself

All in the backdrop of a pandemic https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🙏🏾" title="Gefaltete Hände (durchschnittlich dunkler Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gefaltete Hände (durchschnittlich dunkler Hautton)">
You can follow @allanibutiti.
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