This evening has been hell.
I pulled what's left of the money from my wheelchair / moving to safe, accessible housing fundraiser to buy a new mattress, because my old one was causing me a lot of pain. It was a massive decision for me to use that money when I desperately need to
save it for other things. But I've been barely sleeping and in pain all the time, so I needed to.

Anyway, my new mattress arrived and it absolutely sucks. It's so thin, I can feel the floor through it so it feels all hard and is likely going to cause me pain as well. I am
devastated by this. I used the money that's meant for getting me into safe housing for this. And it's worthless. As soon as I sat down on it I just started crying because I knew straight away it's just gonna be a different kind of painful.
I was so excited for this.
It might seem odd to get excited for a new mattress. But I'm on benefits; I NEVER get stuff like this. I live in a very damaged flat with no heating (other than a little portable heater), a broken shower, broken lighting, mould on the walls, and no furniture. A new mattress, and
the chance of actually having minimal pain and a decent amount of sleep for once is a big deal for me. So I allowed myself to get excited about it.
And it's shit. I had to get the cheapest one, and in hindsight I should have known it would be crap. But I've been so overwhelmed
all the time that I just didn't think of that, and I spent the money without considering for a moment that it might be a waste.
I'm genuinely so fucked up by this tonight. The one nice thing I've had in years, the one thing that might make this shit existence a tiny bit better.
And it's crap, because poor people don't get to have even basic comfort.

On top of that, I had a massive OCD meltdown - probably my worst in years - because of the stress of this plus the fact that the top of the mattress touched the floor a bit (which OCD interprets as it being
"contaminated" now) so I literally had to wash the mattress to get the intrusive thoughts to even vaguely quieten down. So now the mattress is all wet from being washed, and idk when it's gonna dry but I'm sure as hell gonna be sleeping on a wet mattress tonight, because it won't
dry in time and I have nowhere else to sleep. So that's fun (/s).

So between feeling so damn let down and angry and sad that the one nice thing I've been genuinely excited about in years turned out to be crap, and then the worst OCD meltdown I've had in years, this evening has
been really, really bad.

Also, because the mattress has no bounce to it (it just sinks under me) it's even harder for me to stand up as I get out of bed. I don't have a bedframe; it's just the mattress on the floor, and because I have some issues with mobility, moving from a
sitting position just a few inches off the floor to fully standing is actually quite difficult and can be painful. This mattress is even worse than the old one for this, because it's even thinner (therefore lower down) and has no bounciness to it that helps me get up. So that's
gonna be fun to deal with multiple times a day (/s).

I know there are people dealing with worse shit than this, but honestly this was supposed to be one good thing that would make day-to-day life a bit more bearable, and instead it's a waste of money I had to take out of my
fundraiser, a massive disappointment, continued pain that I was hoping would be lessened, and a big regression with my OCD. This is a big deal to me. I feel like absolute shit, and there's literally nothing I can do to fix this situation because I can't return the mattress, it's
too late to go back to using the old one, and I can't afford a better replacement. My head is in a bad place tonight.
It's at times like this that I really, really hate the rich. I literally had to take money out of my wheelchair/safe housing fundraiser to afford a basic household item, but even with that money I could only afford the cheapest one and it's such shit quality it's somehow worse.
Meanwhile all of this is taking place in a thoroughly broken-down flat, to a person who has literally only got through the last year because of donations from people online (I am immensely grateful).

This is what I'm dealing with, this is my financial situation.
Every part of that is so fucked up. I shouldn't even have to fundraise in the first place, let alone have to use that money for this. And the cheapest options for things shouldn't be so crap they're almost unusable. Poor people don't deserve items so crap they're painful!
This is all just so much. I was really looking forward to this. I wanted to get a good night's sleep tonight for the first time in god knows how long.
This fucking hurts.
I hate being poor. I hate being on benefits. I hate that I can't afford even vaguely decent quality stuff. I hate that poor people are just expected to deal with basically useless items and pain and discomfort and all of that stuff.
I worked damn hard with my OCD, and we got far enough that I'm not gonna say I hate it. OCD is an incredibly vulnerable, traumatised part of me that is struggling to heal. It deserves support, not hatred.
But god, I wish I didn't have to experience this. OCD is hell.
I didn't go into much detail about what my OCD meltdowns are like, and I don't want people to ask. That's private. But it is truly, truly hell. Some of the worst stuff I've ever experienced.

So, uh, yeah. I need some compassion tonight. Really badly. I have no-one else.
I have to lie on top of my duvet on top of the mattress in order to be in even slightly less pain and discomfort. But then I have nothing to put on top of me to keep me warm, and I'm in a flat where the only heating is one small portable heater.
This whole thing is so shit.
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