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This evening has been hell.
I pulled what& #39;s left of the money from my wheelchair / moving to safe, accessible housing fundraiser to buy a new mattress, because my old one was causing me a lot of pain. It was a massive decision for me to use that money when I desperately need to
I pulled what& #39;s left of the money from my wheelchair / moving to safe, accessible housing fundraiser to buy a new mattress, because my old one was causing me a lot of pain. It was a massive decision for me to use that money when I desperately need to
save it for other things. But I& #39;ve been barely sleeping and in pain all the time, so I needed to.
Anyway, my new mattress arrived and it absolutely sucks. It& #39;s so thin, I can feel the floor through it so it feels all hard and is likely going to cause me pain as well. I am
Anyway, my new mattress arrived and it absolutely sucks. It& #39;s so thin, I can feel the floor through it so it feels all hard and is likely going to cause me pain as well. I am
devastated by this. I used the money that& #39;s meant for getting me into safe housing for this. And it& #39;s worthless. As soon as I sat down on it I just started crying because I knew straight away it& #39;s just gonna be a different kind of painful.
I was so excited for this.
I was so excited for this.
It might seem odd to get excited for a new mattress. But I& #39;m on benefits; I NEVER get stuff like this. I live in a very damaged flat with no heating (other than a little portable heater), a broken shower, broken lighting, mould on the walls, and no furniture. A new mattress, and
the chance of actually having minimal pain and a decent amount of sleep for once is a big deal for me. So I allowed myself to get excited about it.
And it& #39;s shit. I had to get the cheapest one, and in hindsight I should have known it would be crap. But I& #39;ve been so overwhelmed
And it& #39;s shit. I had to get the cheapest one, and in hindsight I should have known it would be crap. But I& #39;ve been so overwhelmed
all the time that I just didn& #39;t think of that, and I spent the money without considering for a moment that it might be a waste.
I& #39;m genuinely so fucked up by this tonight. The one nice thing I& #39;ve had in years, the one thing that might make this shit existence a tiny bit better.
I& #39;m genuinely so fucked up by this tonight. The one nice thing I& #39;ve had in years, the one thing that might make this shit existence a tiny bit better.
And it& #39;s crap, because poor people don& #39;t get to have even basic comfort.
On top of that, I had a massive OCD meltdown - probably my worst in years - because of the stress of this plus the fact that the top of the mattress touched the floor a bit (which OCD interprets as it being
On top of that, I had a massive OCD meltdown - probably my worst in years - because of the stress of this plus the fact that the top of the mattress touched the floor a bit (which OCD interprets as it being
"contaminated" now) so I literally had to wash the mattress to get the intrusive thoughts to even vaguely quieten down. So now the mattress is all wet from being washed, and idk when it& #39;s gonna dry but I& #39;m sure as hell gonna be sleeping on a wet mattress tonight, because it won& #39;t
dry in time and I have nowhere else to sleep. So that& #39;s fun (/s).
So between feeling so damn let down and angry and sad that the one nice thing I& #39;ve been genuinely excited about in years turned out to be crap, and then the worst OCD meltdown I& #39;ve had in years, this evening has
So between feeling so damn let down and angry and sad that the one nice thing I& #39;ve been genuinely excited about in years turned out to be crap, and then the worst OCD meltdown I& #39;ve had in years, this evening has
been really, really bad.
Also, because the mattress has no bounce to it (it just sinks under me) it& #39;s even harder for me to stand up as I get out of bed. I don& #39;t have a bedframe; it& #39;s just the mattress on the floor, and because I have some issues with mobility, moving from a
Also, because the mattress has no bounce to it (it just sinks under me) it& #39;s even harder for me to stand up as I get out of bed. I don& #39;t have a bedframe; it& #39;s just the mattress on the floor, and because I have some issues with mobility, moving from a
sitting position just a few inches off the floor to fully standing is actually quite difficult and can be painful. This mattress is even worse than the old one for this, because it& #39;s even thinner (therefore lower down) and has no bounciness to it that helps me get up. So that& #39;s
gonna be fun to deal with multiple times a day (/s).
I know there are people dealing with worse shit than this, but honestly this was supposed to be one good thing that would make day-to-day life a bit more bearable, and instead it& #39;s a waste of money I had to take out of my
I know there are people dealing with worse shit than this, but honestly this was supposed to be one good thing that would make day-to-day life a bit more bearable, and instead it& #39;s a waste of money I had to take out of my
fundraiser, a massive disappointment, continued pain that I was hoping would be lessened, and a big regression with my OCD. This is a big deal to me. I feel like absolute shit, and there& #39;s literally nothing I can do to fix this situation because I can& #39;t return the mattress, it& #39;s
too late to go back to using the old one, and I can& #39;t afford a better replacement. My head is in a bad place tonight.
It& #39;s at times like this that I really, really hate the rich. I literally had to take money out of my wheelchair/safe housing fundraiser to afford a basic household item, but even with that money I could only afford the cheapest one and it& #39;s such shit quality it& #39;s somehow worse.
Meanwhile all of this is taking place in a thoroughly broken-down flat, to a person who has literally only got through the last year because of donations from people online (I am immensely grateful).
This is what I& #39;m dealing with, this is my financial situation.
This is what I& #39;m dealing with, this is my financial situation.
Every part of that is so fucked up. I shouldn& #39;t even have to fundraise in the first place, let alone have to use that money for this. And the cheapest options for things shouldn& #39;t be so crap they& #39;re almost unusable. Poor people don& #39;t deserve items so crap they& #39;re painful!
This is all just so much. I was really looking forward to this. I wanted to get a good night& #39;s sleep tonight for the first time in god knows how long.
This fucking hurts.
This fucking hurts.
I hate being poor. I hate being on benefits. I hate that I can& #39;t afford even vaguely decent quality stuff. I hate that poor people are just expected to deal with basically useless items and pain and discomfort and all of that stuff.
I worked damn hard with my OCD, and we got far enough that I& #39;m not gonna say I hate it. OCD is an incredibly vulnerable, traumatised part of me that is struggling to heal. It deserves support, not hatred.
But god, I wish I didn& #39;t have to experience this. OCD is hell.
But god, I wish I didn& #39;t have to experience this. OCD is hell.
I didn& #39;t go into much detail about what my OCD meltdowns are like, and I don& #39;t want people to ask. That& #39;s private. But it is truly, truly hell. Some of the worst stuff I& #39;ve ever experienced.
So, uh, yeah. I need some compassion tonight. Really badly. I have no-one else.
So, uh, yeah. I need some compassion tonight. Really badly. I have no-one else.
I have to lie on top of my duvet on top of the mattress in order to be in even slightly less pain and discomfort. But then I have nothing to put on top of me to keep me warm, and I& #39;m in a flat where the only heating is one small portable heater.
This whole thing is so shit.
This whole thing is so shit.
