Everyone thinks The Holiday is a Christmas movie about love, but it’s not. It’s about an angel of death killing off three people. Hear me out:

Kate Winslet is an angel of death, assigned to living people in a bid to guide them to the afterlife. Her targets? Cameron Diaz, Jack Black and Arthur.

Ok, where to begin? LA is the real world. England is a gateway to death. The River Styx, if you will.

We know England's not the real world because Kate Winslet gets to live in a millionaire's house on a journalist's salary, and can somehow commute from there to London in 40 minutes. Fuck off.

We also know Kate Winslet’s unliving almost from the off - she puts her head in the oven, before exclaiming “What are you doing?!” recognising the futility of trying to re-kill that which is already dead.

And so our grim reaper sets about her task as a harbinger of death. Let’s look at the first target: Cameron Diaz. This one’s easy pickings. She literally invites Cameron Diaz from the real world of LA to the Purgatory of England, and she willingly accepts.

Cameron Diaz absolutely Final Destinations herself. On the flight over to England she has flashbacks in the style of a movie trailer: her life flashing before her eyes. The boatsman of Hades works fast.

Her death is confirmed on her first night in England. She downs a bottle of wine in the supermarket and then DRIVES IN THE SNOW. Boom. Winslet claims her first scalp.

From then on, she's in her afterlife. And what an afterlife! She learns to cry, she falls in love (things she couldn’t do when she was alive), she stops having those heart problems that she has like once at the beginning and it's a big deal but it’s like, never mentioned again?

Don’t believe she’s dead? We never see the totalled car again, and she starts seeing ghosts. “Ghosts?” you ask. “Ghosts,” I nod, pointing at the thoroughly dead Jude Law.

“On the not-so-rare occasion that l frequent the local pub and get inordinately pissed, my little sister puts me up so l don't get behind the wheel." YEAH ESPECIALLY NOT AFTER LAST TIME MATE. 'W-i-d-o-w-e-d'? His wife certainly is.

Still don’t believe Jude Law is dead? Is Mr Napkin Head not the most traditional representation of a ghost?

Side note: I regret to inform you Jude's kids were likely involved in his car accident. Why? Because they can see and engage with Cameron Diaz and Jude Law, the clearest sign of which is when they’re all hanging out in the tent, doing their favourite activity: lying in state.

Let's look at target number two. Jack Black is alive for most of the film, but is left distraught when he breaks up with his partner. By the end he's begging for death, asking Winslet if he can go to England. “I’ve never been to Europe,” he concedes, hinting perhaps at Dignitas.

Now that’s the look of an angel of death who’s just had her job made easier. Two down, one to go.

Target number three: we know Arthur’s both on the cusp of death, and really quite keen for it. We see him in the opening montage, looking longingly at a photo of his deceased wife. Don't worry Edith, he’s on his way.

Despite being the oldest of Winslet’s targets, he’s certainly the most stubborn with regards to death. She needs to coax him into passing away, training him up for the big occasion, Rocky-style.

But eventually, we see him ready to enter the afterlife. He’s all but dead when Kate Winslet organises his funeral: the 'Writer's Guild gala'. All Arthur’s family and friends gather for his big send-off.

When was the last time you saw a Kate Winslet movie where a room full of smartly dressed people stood up and applauded? Oh that's it, when the old lady died in Titanic.

Finally, at the film’s conclusion, we’re thrown into New Year’s Eve: the end of the year, the end of life. Winslet, Diaz, Black, Law, his horrible children, all united in death. Merry Christmas.