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my art is my children basically and now i see people making their children look like mine and my monkey brain is confused. i should be happy about seeing me influence others throughout the years but i then feel the need to keep going esoteric to self destruction almost
relatively i'm so small but i'm totally certain i've made a big impact on a lot of people, this isn't just ego talking. i don't know how to deal with this emotionally, it's been a huge problem for a while. i've tried denying it but i keep seeing more influence that points to me.
it gets me to start "hallucinating" my "influence" onto everything, even people who i'm sure never heard of me. i start acting crazy like i'm not making anything at all and i'm just curating stuff for others to do better, and i will never fully realize personally.
i become extremely heavy with guilt if this is what i did to my influences, if this is how they feel despite being twice my age or older. why share my work online if this is what happens to people as a result of it lol, i don't know anymore
i think my aesthetic is like occupying a loophole to others in terms of "seriousness", as if it's somehow inherently "truer" and "reliable" to a person simply by brand alone. this is also why i get sad when i see myself becoming another source of future mundanity
i'm fine with people being inspired by me, i don't have problem with it inherently. i just want others to start drastically experimenting from what they are used to as hard as i have to in order to keep myself sane...
i have some stuff i should be very happy about right now that i'm not able to enjoy because this is depressing me lmao, maybe this is what my "art block" is really and getting this off my back through incoherent tweets is all i can do for now. will probably stop for tonight
