me, watching through the app as this Instacart shopper browses Fred Meyer for my mandatory thanksgiving prep items for this order that has already been delayed four hours and forced me to skip D&D so I don’t have to make stuffing at 10 pm, praying that he does not fail me

so far we are 6 for 12, David is on his way to earning a MASSIVE tip (I cannot imagine it is his personal fault that the delay was so insane), but I am GLUED to this app screen like Julia Roberts is about to announce Best Picture

Cut to me, having a heart attack over the fact that David says there is not a SINGLE PINCH of dried sage anywhere in the store before remembering that I had this exact same heart attack last year, panic-bought a second jar, & it is still there unopened in the back of the cupboard

David and I are both equally astonished that the biggest grocery store in the neighborhood is just straight OUT OF SAGE

he hasn’t updated in a really long time and bread cubes are up next on the list and that’s the other thing I was terrified they would be out of COME THROUGH DAVID

SORRY THIS IS MY MOST BORING LIVE TWEET EVER I AM JUST SUPER STRESSED

there is EXACTLY ONE THING about Willett Thanksgiving that 2020 has not ruined and it’s GRANDPA SAL’S SIGNATURE GODDAMN STUFFING

okay David could not find bread cubes but he still gets a huge tip because it is not his fault that I placed this order at 8 am Tuesday and 5:30 pm Wednesday was the soonest Instacart could find me someone

Cat is going out on the hunt for me

(no, I am not just cutting up a loaf of bread and using that unless I have to, the amount of math I would have to do to figure out the right number of ounces and volume when for 40 years we’ve been using the same kind of bread cubes is more than I can handle right now)

Theresa Willett did not die and leave me the sole proprietor of her stuffing recipe just to fuck with it now, it’s bad enough that I quietly excised the chicken livers

Guys, sometimes when I tweet I’m just talking about my day, and not necessarily inviting strangers to try and improve my family’s cherished thanksgiving stuffing recipe, lowbrow though it may seem!

My sister is hunting for bread cubes, she knows what kind to get, it will be fine

Once, probably 40 years ago, my mother let her brother Pat make the stuffing, and he brought a BREAD-based stuffing with ORANGE JUICE and SUNFLOWER SEEDS

my mother banned him from stuffing for the rest of his life and bitched about it every single thanksgiving until she died

so you see what I mean when I say that there is ONE kind of stuffing and ONE way to make it with ONE set of correct ingredients

I’m not looking to be haunted!!!! I’m not a FOOL

and she always chopped them up super small and cooked them with the sausage all “you won’t even notice” and I was like “WELL WHAT’S THE POINT OF ADDING SUCH A GROSS STEP THEN??” https://twitter.com/begin_again4/status/1331776952135413760

“they enhance the sausage” THEN BUY BETTER SAUSAGE!!! don’t force your child to eat GIZZARDS