i’m heartbroken.

my grandmother was the first person in my family to ever fully accept me for who i am. she connected me with other family members who i may have never met otherwise, who’d also accept me. that just bc my parents can be hyper-religious, doesn’t mean i’m awful for being queer.

she would (playfully) harass every single man in our family & purposefully make them uncomfortable, because “all too often the roles are reversed & they’re making us uncomfortable. i heckle them back to keep them in place.” she would hang every art piece by her grandkids in her +

kitchen. which was no small feet when she has 5 kids, all of which have other kids. she was my grandmother, but she was also a great-great-great-great grandmother to my cousin’s children, and their children’s children, and so forth. she was enigmatic at times, but always full of

love, compassion, and warmth. a libra in every essence of the sign. family is all that mattered to her. she’d find a way to slip $10, $20, sometimes even $50 to ALL of us kids for birthdays or holidays even despite being on limited income. she refused to drive, but got around

all the same. always on her feet. she was a type 2 diabetic who was the first person to treat me with grace and softness as a diabetic. who didn’t push me or tell me “you can’t be sad forever”. she let me have my emotions, and didn’t see me as less because of them.

she was the embodiment of love in so many ways. she taught me so much even if we weren’t in close vicinity to one another in my life. she would call me and talk to me for hours if i was sad or bored, or just to check in. she refused to text or let people take her picture.

but she was the first to call when anything happened, big or small. she encourages us all to follow our heart and dreams. she could talk to you about anything, and would never make you feel judged or less than. she would get excited when you presented her a new idea,

taking it openly and adopting it as her own value if it was important enough. she was so strong. she was resuscitated 5 times in her life, bouncing back every time with vigor & courage. she knew when to laugh with you , when to cry with you, when to give you a hug or a plate.

she kept a house across the street from a community park & pool, with a basement full of every toy you can imagine for nearly 60 years just so her children’s children & theirs down the line could come play during vacations. she always had our favorite food stocked up,

somehow remembering what we all did or didn’t like. she was the tether for my dad’s side of the family, in so many ways. always finding ways to bring everyone together. this morning she passed away, alone because of covid protocols. i had to say goodbye over a zoom call last week

this year is so unfair. for so many reasons. but if you continue to choose to go out & party or drink & ignore the cries from your community to come together for a greater good, you sicken me. you’ve cost us all loved one’s lives.

i can only imagine the grief of those around me who have lost so much more due to this pandemic. losing family on top of jobs on top of homes... it’s so sickening and yet some of you just do not care. you only care for as long as it individual affects you. or for clout.

i genuinely feel that if my family could have been with my grandmother how we have in the past, & the stress of the current state of the country wasn’t on her shoulders, that she could have recovered. we may have had a few more months or years together. i could have hugged her.

but people in america can’t come together for anything, even for our own survival and well being as a country. we can’t fathom caring for our neighbor even if we play pretend at church every sunday. we can’t fathom love that’s strong enough to promote change. all we know is hate.

me included at this point. all i feel is hate for those of you that refuse to just stay home & stop the spread. those of you who actively work against progress & want to uphold oppressive systems. hate for the way this country has regressed the last few decades.

my heart is full of so much grief from everything i have lost these past 4 years of my life. it is relentless and unending. i don’t know how to navigate this loss...