When I was in college I briefly worked at Game Stop bc I was cool with the manager and we just kind of fucked around. It was a regular shitty retail job, as you do.

But then there was Kyle

Now Kyle isn’t his real name. But Kyle himself was VERY real

1/

Kyle wanted to be a game designer, and was enrolled in one of those transparently grifting online programs

He told me how much it cost and it was more expensive than my actual city university tuition

2/

I asked him what game he wanted to design and he told me his master vision was for a fighting game starring office supplies

So like a pair of scissors fighting a protractor

Every word of this is true

3/

One time we were doing a release for some sports game and my manager set up a grill outside to cook hotdogs and stuff

The hotdogs were free, but nobody was eating them

That’s because Kyle was turning them with his bare fingers

4/

Sometimes when deluxe editions of games weren’t moving, we would unpack the deluxe content and sell the game on its own. The freebies would be dispersed to employees on a first come first serve basis

This is the only freebie Kyle ever took

5/

Kyle once told me he could hold his own in a fight, and then immediately fell off of a ladder

6/

Kyle desperately wanted to be a manager, but the boss never let it happen, on account of Kyle getting more customer complaints than literally the rest of us combined

7/

Kyle once challenged a customer to a dance dance revolution contest, and the customer said okay, so Kyle went home and got his own DDR mat (!) and brought it to the store and the customer just never came back

8/

Kyle hit on every woman he encountered. One time he went to another store to cover a shift and introduced himself to the religious, married store manager with

“Hey I’m Kyle. Do you believe in the fairy tale known as the Bible?”

He had never met her before

9/

Kyle once had an argument with a customer, declaring that “yoshi has no gender” in a packed store.

10/

He wasn’t allowed to work the register on Black Friday because he would tell customers to wait for better sales

11/

Eventually I quit the job and moved on. I’m not sure what ever happened to Kyle. But I catch echoes of him here and there, especially in the replies on twitter

Here, Kyle is Eternal