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How to Master the Feeling of Not Being Good Enough (PART - 2)
Can't shake that feeling of inadequacy?
That's because the roots are often embedded in the past.
But before we explore that, here's PART 1 if you missed it:
https://twitter.com/dResilientHuman/status/1330859666943987715
Can't shake that feeling of inadequacy?
That's because the roots are often embedded in the past.
But before we explore that, here's PART 1 if you missed it:
https://twitter.com/dResilientHuman/status/1330859666943987715
So here's a kid.
He tries to learn, understand, and soak everything from life and the world around him.
He tries to gain love and affection from their parents and caregivers.
It's important for him.
But what happens when that love and affection are withheld from him?
He tries to learn, understand, and soak everything from life and the world around him.
He tries to gain love and affection from their parents and caregivers.
It's important for him.
But what happens when that love and affection are withheld from him?
The kid doesn’t understand why their alcoholic or substance abuser parents are there for them sometimes but sometimes not.
He cannot rely upon them for love and affection.
He is left to fend for himself and even worse, he has to take care of his parents.
He cannot rely upon them for love and affection.
He is left to fend for himself and even worse, he has to take care of his parents.
The kid gets starved of love and attention.
He begins to think of himself as someone unworthy of love.
He begins to think of himself as someone unworthy of love.
Then there are narcissistic parents.
They are not capable of empathy or real love.
They project their self-loathing onto their kids.
They force them to find ways to win their approval and attention.
The kid feels unlovable and assumes that it is somehow their own fault.
They are not capable of empathy or real love.
They project their self-loathing onto their kids.
They force them to find ways to win their approval and attention.
The kid feels unlovable and assumes that it is somehow their own fault.
Narcissistic parents can not emotionally tune in to their kids.
They don’t acknowledge and validate their kid’s feelings.
The kid thinks that their feelings are not important and learns to repress or deny them.
They start struggling with crippling self-doubt.
They don’t acknowledge and validate their kid’s feelings.
The kid thinks that their feelings are not important and learns to repress or deny them.
They start struggling with crippling self-doubt.
Then there are kids with parents in a toxic relationship.
They don’t understand why their parents act so horribly towards each other.
The parents remain oblivious of how their behavior affects young minds.
The kids learn to blame themselves for everything that’s going wrong.
They don’t understand why their parents act so horribly towards each other.
The parents remain oblivious of how their behavior affects young minds.
The kids learn to blame themselves for everything that’s going wrong.
That's not all...
If parents:
- constantly place their kids under scrutiny
- push their kids to be smarter, or quieter, or sportier
- favor a sibling
they send the message that the kid is not good enough as is.
If parents:
- constantly place their kids under scrutiny
- push their kids to be smarter, or quieter, or sportier
- favor a sibling
they send the message that the kid is not good enough as is.
The kid, in search of love and approval, learns to suffocate their real personality
and becomes the ‘good’ kid.
No wonder he grows up to be an adult who never feels a sense of worth.
and becomes the ‘good’ kid.
No wonder he grows up to be an adult who never feels a sense of worth.
And finally, kids who have experienced physical or sexual abuse, often hold themselves responsible for the trauma.
In their quest to make sense of the horrible things that were done to them
they grow a conviction that they must be bad and worthless – that they deserved it.
In their quest to make sense of the horrible things that were done to them
they grow a conviction that they must be bad and worthless – that they deserved it.
Kids need peace, love, and harmony in their lives to thrive.
They realize very early that if Mommy and Daddy are happy, then they will get the love they need.
When that love and care are denied to them, they try to “fix” the adult problems. to get what they are starved of.
They realize very early that if Mommy and Daddy are happy, then they will get the love they need.
When that love and care are denied to them, they try to “fix” the adult problems. to get what they are starved of.
They are kids of course, and this is not their problem to fix.
But they don’t know that yet
They keep trying.
When they don’t succeed, guess what they do?
But they don’t know that yet
They keep trying.
When they don’t succeed, guess what they do?
They change their tactics
They try to be a better child
Or they act out to get their parents to focus on them.
Sometimes they succeed, sometimes they don’t.
This confuses them further.
They can only draw one conclusion:
“I couldn’t fix it, so I am not good enough.”
They try to be a better child
Or they act out to get their parents to focus on them.
Sometimes they succeed, sometimes they don’t.
This confuses them further.
They can only draw one conclusion:
“I couldn’t fix it, so I am not good enough.”
Did your childhood resemble any of the above?
If yes, then is it any wonder that the lingering effect still remains within the adult you?
If yes, then is it any wonder that the lingering effect still remains within the adult you?
Apart from your ghosts from the past
the reasons for your feeling of inadequacy can also be more present and direct like:
- a naturally sensitive personality
- a tendency to over-identify with criticisms and suffer more.
...
the reasons for your feeling of inadequacy can also be more present and direct like:
- a naturally sensitive personality
- a tendency to over-identify with criticisms and suffer more.
...
...
- a recent traumatic event, like getting cheated on or getting betrayed
- being in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship
- anxiety and/or depression.
Does any of them ring a bell?
- a recent traumatic event, like getting cheated on or getting betrayed
- being in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship
- anxiety and/or depression.
Does any of them ring a bell?
Identify the root cause and you are all set for the recovery journey.
But here’s where you might hit a snag.
The way ahead is fraught with obstacles
Hurdles that YOU have placed before yourself.
But here’s where you might hit a snag.
The way ahead is fraught with obstacles
Hurdles that YOU have placed before yourself.
Toni Bernhard, the author of ‘Turning Straw Into Gold‘ blog, challenges some myths that you believe about yourself.
You need to put these beliefs under scrutiny to ease your recovery journey:
- you believe you’re flawed
- You believe you can analyze your way to perfection
...
You need to put these beliefs under scrutiny to ease your recovery journey:
- you believe you’re flawed
- You believe you can analyze your way to perfection
...
...
- you have absurd expectations
- you blame only yourself for your failure
- you assume you’re supposed to feel positive - always
But we still haven’t talked about the biggest obstacle that holds you back.
Can you guess what that might be?
- you have absurd expectations
- you blame only yourself for your failure
- you assume you’re supposed to feel positive - always
But we still haven’t talked about the biggest obstacle that holds you back.
Can you guess what that might be?
Your inner critic.
The well-intentioned but misguided voice that wants to keep you safe and alive.
The primal part, that wants you to not stand out and take risks.
The well-intentioned but misguided voice that wants to keep you safe and alive.
The primal part, that wants you to not stand out and take risks.
It made sense once.
When anything more or less than average meant you got kicked out of the tribe and faced hunger and isolation.
A certain death sentence.
Although the world has evolved, that primal part has not.
When anything more or less than average meant you got kicked out of the tribe and faced hunger and isolation.
A certain death sentence.
Although the world has evolved, that primal part has not.
It’s now confused about what it means to make mistakes.
It doesn't understand that mistakes are an integral part of learning.
It tries to protect you by disguising as an angry voice and telling you that you are not good enough.
It doesn't understand that mistakes are an integral part of learning.
It tries to protect you by disguising as an angry voice and telling you that you are not good enough.
Then, it thinks, that you won’t go out into the world, make mistakes, be rejected, or risk failure.
Those once well-intentioned and helpful messages…now paralyze you with doubts.
Those once well-intentioned and helpful messages…now paralyze you with doubts.
“I think ultimately the inner critic is trying to look out for us,”
Ali Miller, the Berkeley-based therapist says “and is afraid about our survival.
So when it is telling us we are not good enough, it is often trying to motivate us so that we survive”.
Ali Miller, the Berkeley-based therapist says “and is afraid about our survival.
So when it is telling us we are not good enough, it is often trying to motivate us so that we survive”.
But this backfires.
Bombarded with relentless cruel judgment and criticism – you feel exhausted instead of feeling motivated.
Bombarded with relentless cruel judgment and criticism – you feel exhausted instead of feeling motivated.
Retrain your inner critic so that it transforms into a coach that can challenge you, without putting you down.
Convince your inner critic that it’s not being helpful
It has to understand, that if you think you are not worthy, you will deprive yourself of opportunities.
Convince your inner critic that it’s not being helpful
It has to understand, that if you think you are not worthy, you will deprive yourself of opportunities.
Part II ends here.
Watch this space for Part III where we take the fight to this feeling of not good enough.
RT the thread if you like it: https://twitter.com/dResilientHuman/status/1331591568281595906
Watch this space for Part III where we take the fight to this feeling of not good enough.
RT the thread if you like it: https://twitter.com/dResilientHuman/status/1331591568281595906
