desirability plays an important role in conditioning our economies of care impacting who we chose to funnel ressources into and who we decide doesn’t deserve to access them.

a big part of self-empowerment/self-help culture, is putting the onus « for asking » into the hands of the individual who hasn’t gotten their needs met: which makes sense: « if my needs aren’t getting met, that means I haven’t recognized them or asked for them to be catered to »

But I can’t help but ask how much of this conversation actually explores how misogynoir, classism & other forms of exclusionary politics function because certain « Black people » aren’t seen as inherently deserving

which inevitably creates a power dynamic that complexifies the whole process of mutually acknowledging each other’s needs. It’s become clearer to me that the reasons why I didn’t have my needs reciprocated was because people were exploiting me. Not because I didn’t ask.

Most times, in analyzing the relationship dynamics in which I was accused of not « asking », I was always the one consciously catering to the person’s needs not only by anticipating them, but also by creating a space for those needs to organically arise.

Part of my survival mechanism is actually being extremely vigilant and anticipating lack by compensating, caring and complimenting people’s desires but mostly because that was sometimes the only way I was allowed to exist in relationship to others.

Being a visibly Black fat femme refugee came with a set of social limitations that were rarely questioned but clearly expressed through the ways in which people treated me poorly: I was competent enough to be the caretaker but not good enough to be the one who received care.

I can give hundreds of examples of ways in which my survival strategies were met with a lack of consideration: I remember being in college and actually making sure that I saved up my food because end of the months were hard and I knew some of my friends would end up

broke because of their spending habits. I would store chicken, meat and other goodies because sharing was caring to me and I took on the responsibility to care for my friends by cooking for them. Mind you, I was the least privileged of them and managed to still center mutual aid

in my relationships to them. I decided to go to my friends, even if it meant going through a snow storm for them because it mattered that they ate. I arrived, cooked a full course meal and you know what I got as an acknowledgement? «  You are our personal dobby »

Mind you, when she said that, many people laughed with her, it was surreal to me and I think I disassociated because I didn’t want to believe that me actually centering collective needs was actually being perceived as me voluntarily acting like a « servant ».

I remember feeling conflicted about it: on one side, caring for me was political but on the other, I started to see how relationship dynamics were compartimentalized based on how much the most privileged women dictated how care was distributed.

The thing is power speaks louder than words, and no matter how much I knew my value was mine to dictate, other working-class women in my circle, still preferred catering to the needs of the most privileged because they knew that it would give them access to more social capital

It really didn’t matter if my ethics were sound and solid: I was treated like shit in those relationships because I was reduced to a domesticated servant because a) I wasn’t seen as desirable in terms of class b) didn’t have enough social capital to access other relationships

c) was chronically depressed so leaving relationships drastically could cause a relapse and I didn’t want to self-isolate because I was afraid to be excluded permanently.

Caring was thus the only way to co-exist with others in a social environment where most people were from privileged backgrounds. There was little to no incentive for them to reciprocate because they had the power to manipulate the relationships we were in.

Because I was being socialized to accept less because I was being treated as simultaneously disposable and indispensable asking for my needs was actually risky because that would shift the power dynamics in which I was in.