Ok I dont have a lot of options so I'm just gonna fucking rant here about my personal life nobody mind me

This thread is just gonna be me venting and going through my thoughts please disregard if you dont wanna know.

I want to move back. Go home. I mean I really dont want to. At all. But I think if things go poorly where I am... I wont be able to hold myself together. I'm scared that somethings going to absolutely crumble to bits.

I'm fucking exhausted and honestly I'm gonna go see a therapist. This has gotten to me so badly that I've hardly eaten in days and when I do I just wind up throwing up because my mental state is so bad it's making my psychical state deteriorate.

I spent so long being invalidated, told I wasnt entitled to feel how I feel, how I wasnt allowed to cry, I wasnt as hurt as other people where, but I was still hurt, and as it stands now I've lost so fucking much all in a matter of a few hours.

And that's something people dont seem to understand. Clearly I fucked up, yes. I couldnt see how I was acting, I didnt take the time to consider what I was doing. I should have stopped. I should have though before I acted and kept those I love in mind more.

But I kept thinking only about myself. And I didnt even REALIZE I was. But that's part of it. For days, week, months, however long it was that they had a problem with my behaviour... they never said something. And I'm NOT saying I did nothing wrong. I was selfish. Absolutely.

But god... if I was hurting the people I love for so long why didnt anyone say anything? If someone had mentioned anything I would have known I needed to change, work on myself so I wouldnt hurt them again. Why did they sit there and let me get worse, let themselves get angrier?

Yes, I was acting like a horrible person. I didnt do it on purpose, but I still did it. However... while they had their time to decide how they felt about me, while they were able to sort their feelings over presumably months, I had my whole world shatter in minutes when they

suddenly brought it up and dumped everything on me, then started tossing me around and telling me not to do everything they already said I needed to do to make it up to them. Nobody is not allowed to be in pain. Everyone is entitled to their feelings no matter what.

I'm confused. So fucking confused. And hurt. But yknow what hurt me a lot? Hearing one of my best friends admit that she WANTED me to feel bad, that she intentionally went out of her way to hurt my feelings for months instead of talking to me, hearing her say he detests me, and

still turning around and saying she loves me and acting like shes the hero of whatever story we are in... I didnt mean to hurt her, as much as she insists I did. I didnt know I was. But now, from what I can gather, someone I loved convinced themself I'm a monster who wants her to

feel pain to justify her intentionally going out of her way to make me hurt. Someone I love and trusted. Someone who could have just come to me and said she had an issue, instead came to me saying she wanted me to be hurt. Everyones entitled to be hurt. But hurting someone else

on purpose is not something anyone should admit to. And to not even feel bad about it... when it's broken someone down that you say you love? Thats... not cool with me. And now I'm stuck in a limbo of "we need some distance we arent ready to talk to you" and desperately needing

to either talk things out with them or just... try and fix things with the people that mean most to me and it hurts. And they're totally entitled to needing time to themselves, I dont want to rush them and I hope they're happy and they're finding the answers they need.

I just still need to get this all out because it's making me sick and I'm so. So fucking hurt right now. Everything hurts. And fuck I am at my lowest point so like if something happens to me like getting eaten by a shark in the middle of november or disappearing into the forest

the crisis that caused it is here for all to see ANYWAY I'll post more on this thread if I get overwhelmed again or remember anything i need to get out thanks twitter for being my rant page.