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Okay, folks, I'm going to be watching and tweeting about Serenity (2019). Buckle up.
Close-up on eyes to open the film. This isn't promising.
WHY IS THE MUSIC SO INTENSE?
So Serenity is the name of the boat, thus ensuring this will be confused with the Joss Whedon movie in all ways.
We're two minutes in and McConaughey has already threatened someone with a knife over a fish.
Now there's a stuffy, uptight lawyer. For some reason.
This movie has made choices.
This movie has made choices.
McConaughey isn't good at fishing so he makes money as a sex worker. Okay.
"Hooker who can't afford hooks" he calls himself.
This movie seems to think that noir is definined by 1. Sweat and 2. Slatted shutters.
This movie seems to think that noir is definined by 1. Sweat and 2. Slatted shutters.
The stab-worthy tuna's name is Justice, according to our "hero"
This movie looks good. It has a sharp, if deeply odd, visual sensibility.
Flashback, dream, dream/memory threats of murder. Plus a radio DJ who seems to be talking to McC.
If you try to make sense of the cultural cues for this film's location, you will be baffled.
Wow, making it about your employee's dead wife. Nice move, jackass.
Here's our femme fatale.
Whose name, hilariously, is Karen.
Whose name, hilariously, is Karen.
McC has chosen the name "Baker Dill" for himself, because he is the worst.
This movie hasn't earned this domestic abuse subplot.
If you want bizarre camera movements plus McConaughey's ass then GOOD NEWS
There's a Plot Twist coming, and the movie is setting it up reasonably well. Which just makes what the twist is (no spoilers of it in this thread) that much stranger.
Now Anne Hathaway's creep husband has arrived in quite possibly the most unpleasant scene to this point.
Y'all, this movie is so. Invested. In its noir tropes, but to no apparent purpose.
Y'all, this movie is so. Invested. In its noir tropes, but to no apparent purpose.
Whoa, husband dude, you do NOT step on someone's both without permission.
"He hears you through his computer screen" is an actual line in this movie.
This neo-noir about a tuna.
This neo-noir about a tuna.
I would love to see this cinematography applied to a plot that makes a lick of sense.
"He wants Justice," this movie insists, because it is incapable of subtlety.
The moral quandary of this movie doesn't feel like much of a quandary.
Also, someone wrote the line "catch the fish that's in your head or kill the man" and thought, yeah, I nailed that.
Also, someone wrote the line "catch the fish that's in your head or kill the man" and thought, yeah, I nailed that.
I'd love to see Anne Hathaway in a noir that wasn't about tuna.
She's working so hard with absolutely nothing here.
She's working so hard with absolutely nothing here.
Dill and Karen's backstory, and the way they discuss it, is Buck. Wild.
And moreso given The Twist.
And moreso given The Twist.
Props to Hathaway for being so willing to ugly cry on screen.
And credit to the movie to know how to contrast it with her pretty crying earlier.
And credit to the movie to know how to contrast it with her pretty crying earlier.
Well, that was considerably more explicit than the other sex scenes. 
Lawyer guy is a...tackle salesman?
This movie is something else.
This movie is something else.
This plot point is a... fish finder?
"I am the rules."
Actual dialog. I am not shitting you.
Actual dialog. I am not shitting you.
Also, I can't emphasize enough that this movie is about a character named Baker Dill and his ex-wife Karen.
WAIT we have the twist already? But there is 45 minutes left.
As the writing books say, the mark of a good plot twist is that it makes the movie actively make less sense.
Wait, that's not right, is it?
Wait, that's not right, is it?
And now we're officially in an SF movie.
An exceptionally silly one.
An exceptionally silly one.
Friends, I am losing my mind at this movie.
We've reached the "trying to get to the beach in Dark City" portion of this movie.
The difference is, Dark City is good.
The difference is, Dark City is good.
A twist this wild shouldn't grind the movie to the a halt.
It's bad when the character who exists only to explain the plot can't do so.
The twist has not made this moral quandary more compelling.
"It's him... It's Justice."
Oh my gods.
Oh my gods.
They have resolved the moral dilemma in the most pointless way possible.
The movie is still explaining its twist. Always a good sign.
Why does it matter if he catches the fish or kills the dude, given the payoff? The entire premise is undercut here.
Poor McConaughey is putting so much into this terrible premise. I legit feel bad for all the actors.
But not the writer or director.
What the actual fuck.
What the actual fuck.
Wow, the emotional beat they chose for the ending is entirely bass-ackwards.
I can't speak to it without spoilers but it is So Wrong.
I can't speak to it without spoilers but it is So Wrong.
Well, that's a wrap on Serenity (2019).
It's a worse movie than the super problematic Joss Whedon one, but much better shot.
It's one of those you have to see it lto believe. Avoid the big spoiler if possible.
It's a worse movie than the super problematic Joss Whedon one, but much better shot.
It's one of those you have to see it lto believe. Avoid the big spoiler if possible.
It's a bad movie, but it is so wild that I want people to see it, if only so we can scream about it together.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
