Okay, I want to do this, but for every episode of the original G1 Transformers cartoon.

Can I do it? Stay tuned! https://twitter.com/Kalelprime/status/1331230933144449024

Bitter Rivals have 4 million year long Napover; Optimus Prime learns that child labor laws apparently don't apply on oil rigs in international water. Also Mirage is a crappy guy to travel with.

Shockwave is the universe's most persistent reply guy; Megatron tries his hand at interstellar Amazon Prime (and fails). Bumblebee is not a good babysitter.

Bluestreak has his one singular moment in the spotlight; Megatron wishes he scanned an alt-mode with pockets.

Optimus gets indigestion; Brawn is bad at his job. Chip teaches Bumblebee about the hazards of climate change.

Skyfire breaks up with his boyfriend and then falls down and goes boom.

Wheeljack is a horrible person that made new people with purposefully tiny brains so they would be historically accurate; Optimus Prime forgets the safeword.

Megatron has performance issues; Skyfire gets better (and gets a new job as the Autobots' personal chauffeur).

Wheeljack commits more crimes against Cybertronians; Grimlock makes a friend.

Megatron attends a foam party; Spike has to save his dad after his dad forgets the safeword.

Starscream has trouble caring for his new pet, panics, and then almost destroys the planet. Optimus and Megatron try to rekindle their relationship.

Megatron learns never to leave food out overnight; Optimus is an overbearing boss.

Optimus bets the life of everyone on Earth on a dumbass honor duel with Megatron; Grimlock is whelmed with Optimus Prime's bullshit and accidentally saves 7 billion humans.

Spike and the Autobots learn the dangers of not hiring union labor.

Gears gets PTSD.

The Constructicons bring gentrification and robot alligators to Manhattan. The Autobots get rid of the robot alligators but leave the gentrification.

Megatron does his best impersonation of Mirage; Optimus Prime goes aggro after some bad drugs.

Mirage and Cliffjumper need to go to couples' counseling.

Wheeljack builds another invention that predictably almost gets the Autobots killed (but this time by the Decepticons); a brilliant MIT student makes Ironhide her wife.

The Constructicons rip off Wheeljack's last idea; Chip is NOT a cat person.

Megatron becomes the head of the Republican party (with presumably ample support from the Koch brothers); Hound adjusts his expectations of getting a football scholarship.

The Autobots play Duck, Duck, Goose; Skyfire tries his hand at Robotech cosplay.

The Decepticons are doing about as well at educating themselves to avoid workplace sexual harassment as they are at designing covert bases (i.e., not great).

Megatron really isn't sure if Optimus Prime is the bot he wants to date or the bot he wants to be; Starscream comes up with a plot device that Transformers writers will milk dry for the next 35 years...

Wheeljack commits more crimes against Cybertronians by trying his hand at some light slavery and Devastator is forced to have a playdate with the Autobots

The Insecticons have a bad time; someone should call child protective services on Sparkplug.

Wheeljack learns his historically accurate abominations are, in fact, historically accurate; Optimus Prime gives Grimlock his own house and then immediately takes it away.

Optimus Prime is good at two things: 1) killing Grapple's hopes & dreams and 2) shooting some b-ball outside of the school and Optimus is all out of Grapple's hopes & dreams to kill...

Inferno finds his waifu, Frenzy does not.

Megatron hosts a kegger. Perceptor, Brawn, and Bumblebee take a joyride on Megatron's sperm. That's not even a shitpost; that's just literally what happens in this episode.

Megatron's tenure as head of the Republican Party is going great (for him); Starscream feels insecure that Megatron wants him to dress up like his ex.

Both Ironhide and Blaster are just absolutely TERRIBLE at their jobs; the Dinobots learn the gig economy isn't all it's cracked up to be.

With Grapple's hopes & dreams crushed, Optimus now has more time to be a dick to Blaster. Cosmos has had better days.

Starscream gets too into Youtube cooking channels; Rumble finds a waifu (it's the bird).

Beachcomber opens up about his kinks; everyone joins in.

Astrotrain goes full Ferris Bueller; Cosmos has another bad day.

Tracks & Raoul have a night to remember; Hoist has fucking had it with this New York City traffic! HE'S DRIVING HERE!

Optimus learns about his size-difference kink; Soundwave vows to be a better parent to Ravage.

Hey! It's Skids! Also Bumblebee and Blaster are still unsure about whether they have a tentacle kink or not...

Designation; Omega Supreme. Function; No One's Waifu.

Optimus Prime finds out he isn't a scalie; Smokescreen thinks he should give it another chance.

Megatron adopts a pet and learns the hard way that you should always spay or neuter your pet.

Seaspray is down to fuck...no matter the cost.

Astrotrain and Blitzwing are bad at everything; Skids learns he isn't the only bottom at the office.

Miles Mayhem gets a side gig; Optimus Prime still doesn't think he's a scalie.

Soundwave & Starscream open a nightclub; Tracks discovers what happens when you don't pay your coke dealer.

Elita-1 swears if Alpha Trion mansplains one more thing to her, she's gonna kick someone in the face.
Later, Astrotrain gets kicked in the face.

Powerglide gives up his leftist agenda to become a gold-digger. Optimus Prime likes to watch.

Hoist regrets giving up his day job; Dirge is terrible at his day job.

Rumble starts a new business hosting Mario Kart tours; Megatron (literally) makes a friend (or five).

Also Alpha Trion is just terrible at his job.

Omega Supreme is terrible at his job. Ratchet is terrible at his job. Alpha Trion is terrible at his job. Silverbolt is terrible at his job. Menasor is terrible at his job. Literally everyone in this episode is terrible at their jobs.

The only thing worth noting about this episode is that it has Melanie Griffin and you should watch it solely for that reason.

The Aerialbots get questionable role models and then travel back in time and let their dad get killed so their other dad can make their dad so their dad can let their other dad get killed when they get made millions of years later. Trust me. It makes sense.

It's the Waaaaaaaaaaacky Races!

The Autobots and Decepticons learn to always use protection.

Starscream harnesses the power of total bullshit to build himself 5 friends. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

In a move that surprises literally no one, Starscream's bespoke, Build-A-Bear friends turn on him and try to kill everyone and the entire Earth with the power of global warming.

It goes about as well as you'd expect.

The Autobots try to cosplay as the Stunticons and out-Menasor Menasor; Megatron learns the cost of not hiring union labor.

Swindle is a bad friend; misogyny was the real enemy the entire time.

You, probably: What's Jenevieve going to do for the movie? Surely she can't sum it up in one tweet!

Me:

Only one good character dies; Snarl is so sick of all this bullshit!

The Decepticons realize they should've joined a union; the Autobots realize the only way to fight gentrification is with more gentrification.

Stop me if you've heard this one:

Cyclonus, Ultra Magnus, Wreck-Gar, and a Sharkticon walk into a black hole...

Kup is:

A) a war criminal;
B) not a scalie;
C) not a cat person; or
D) all of the above.

(it's D.)

Optimus Prime returns to haunt your nightmares and take your job brought to you by Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Labs.

The Aerialbots travel through time again but to help their other dad stay alive to help build their dad millions of years in the future after they kill their dad so their dad can make then in the future 20 years ago after their dad lets their other dad die. It makes sense.

Octane can't stop making friends.

Trypticon gets way too into Tom Clancy novels; the Autobots discover how to be racist.

Daniel & Wheelie learn where babies come from; Ultra Magnus doesn't like going for his annual physical.

Grimlock (again) learns the dangers of the gig economy; Spike and Carly are terrible parents.

Rodimus Prime adds child psychology to his already extensive and impressive resume; Springer is Furry Curious or "Fur-ious" as the kids are calling it these days...

The Battlechargers have one job and they are just terrible at it. Starscream executes a really surprisingly brilliant and successful plan. I'm serious! I know you don't believe me, but Starscream really knocks it out of the park this episode!

Galvatron has strong (and quite valid) opinions about intergalactic mental health institutions; Cyclonus needs to stop spending time on WebMD trying to diagnosis his friends' mental health.

Ultra Magnus plays with his food; Soundwave tries to bond with Galvatron using his passion for music.

Rodimus Prime is so bored after ending Optimus Prime's war that he's now freelancing to end other wars (it's going GREAT); Outback tries and fails to convince people he isn't a marketing gimmick.

Gentrification takes a bite out of you; Galvatron regrets impulse shopping at Sharper Image.

Rodimus and Cyclonus awkwardly try to get around forgetting Omega Supreme's name; Steve Bannon breaks into outrage "journalism"

Rodimus Prime fights crime at night in Saint Canard; Ultra Magnus dabbles in intergalactic war crimes.

Scourge learns about the downside of having a vore fetish; Arcee is fucking done with everyone's bullshit.

Rodimus Prime Fucks; Arcee informs Springer he is destined to remain a virgin.

Grimlock vows to be a better father to his five children than his father was to him; Grimlock succeeds.

(seriously, who knew there would be character arcs in this ridiculous thread of shitposts?! It's almost like I planned it and/or have such a mastery of the subject I can just casually do this on the fly)

Marissa discovers her kink is emasculating overconfident men; the Technobots learn where babies come from.

Soundwave exposes himself at work, much to Galvatron and Cyclonus's disgust; Grimlock beat up the guy who made Unicron and got billions of people killed.

Perceptor tries his had at cultural appropriation; Cyclonus embraces cultural immersion.
Somehow Cyclonus is still the villain here.

Scourge did not get the memo about always using protection; Rodimus goes full Ferris Bueller. Galvatron thinks he's at a Wendy's drive-thru.

E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E forgets the memo about using protection except zombie Jesus Optimus Prime; Bumblebee goes on Queer Eye and gets a makeover.

Punch is terrible at his job. Counterpunch is terrible at his job. All the Decepticons are terrible at their jobs. Spike is terrible at being a parent and, despite having no discernible training or skills, is allowed to perform amateur, interspecies brain surgery.

Scourge is in charge (for some reason) but it's going surprising well for some reason; Alpha Trion is phoning it in.

Spike gentrifies a entire city all by himself; Cybertron gets a glow-up.

PHEW. We did it lol GOOD JORB everyone!