I realize it’s too late to influence most people’s decision making, but as someone w/ 7 years’ of experience of ditching family Thanksgivings, I want to share my 2nd favorite* game plan for doing so with you.

1st, & this is the most important bit: wake up Thursday & make a pie.

Ideally this should be YOUR FAVORITE pie, b/c this pie? This pie is ALL YOURS. You don’t have to share it with anyone else. You don’t have to worry about the relatives on the mayonnaise side of your family not liking the cayenne chocolate pecan tart you slaved over.

You will also probably be eating off of this pie for a few days, so make it one you won’t get tired of in that time.

Yes, you can buy a pie if you aren’t a baker. If your favorite pie is Sarah Lee, that’s fine (also, I’m sorry your family hurt you so hard you love bad pie)

Next, you can watch WHATEVER YOU WANT on TV. My standard is a mix of the good Friends Thanksgiving episodes (seasons 4, 5 Plus “The One With Ross’s Sandwich” which IS A THANKSGIVING EPISODE, 6, and 9) & the good Bob’s Burgers ones (seasons 3-7).

But it doesn’t HAVE to be Thanksgiving themed. One year I watched two seasons of Poldark. The point is, it’s what YOU want to watch, not whatever football game your half-cousin’s-wife’s-godmother’s-husband is into.

At some point in the proceedings, you should follow @hels advice and make yourself a Boulevardier. There is no danger that you will get too drunk and fight with your family. It is JUST YOU. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.newyorker.com/culture/kitchen-notes/the-perfect-thanksgiving-cocktail-is-the-boulevardier/amp

Maybe you have a pet who will give you a judgmental glare, but honestly, if the worst thing you have to deal with is Siamese judgment (and they can juuuuudge), it is still better than giving yourself an ulcer worrying that someone will mention the election at dinner.

That is it. That is the whole plan**. 1. Pie; 2. Watch what you want; 3. Have a drink and let your cat judge you.

This is how I have spent some of the most enjoyable Thanksgivings of my life: drunk with the cat & not knowing that my mother & young cousin were swearing at each other about leftover ham a mere 50 miles south of me.

* My first favorite game plan for ditching family Thanksgiving is to LEAVE THE COUNTRY, but we can’t do that at the moment because you people WON’T STAY IN YOUR HOMES. So I’ll share my advice on that next year.

** That is actually NOT the whole plan most years. Most years I also make a point of going to a show and getting a massage on Thanksgiving weekend, but I can’t do that this year b/c theatres are closed and I can’t have another human touching me.

So the point is: Stay away from your family THIS Thanksgiving. That way, NEXT Thanksgiving, you can see the people you love, and I can either see a play and pay someone to rub my troubles away, or get on a plane to a land where no one cares about Thanksgiving.