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I learned to drive for a full year but never took the test, partly because my learning to drive at one point involved me and my driving instructor stealing 20 crates of protein shakes from an industrial estate.
Here is a catalogue of my attempts to learn.
Here is a catalogue of my attempts to learn.
In my teens I had very few friends and would often have showers or baths in the daytime at weekends to give myself something to do (my record is 2 baths and 3 showers in one day).
I missed my first driving lesson because I had become bored, forgotten about it and run a bath.
I missed my first driving lesson because I had become bored, forgotten about it and run a bath.
My instructor was supposed to be picking me up from my house but I was in the bath when he rang the bell so I just ignored him. I told my mum and step-dad he never showed up, so they cancelled my further lessons with him. I still feel bad about this and have never told anyone.
My dad started giving me weekly driving practice. He made a conscious effort to be very calm and patient with me to avoid putting me under pressure, but my dad is usually very ebullient and loud, so seeing him sitting very quietly and calmly was incredibly stressful.
I once reversed into a van while trying to do a parallel park and my dad very calmly and quietly said "You have crashed the car," like the final entry in a choose-your-own-adventure book.
My second driving instructor asked me what kind of car I had been learning in. I didn't really care about cars, so I said "A silver one." He laughed and said "A 17-year-old boy who doesn't know about cars??" I couldn't be bothered with that toxic crap so I got rid of him.
My next driving instructor asked me to drive around Salisbury on the ringroad, then fell asleep, so I just drove on the ringroad for an hour. At the end he said "You'll notice I just let you take control of the lesson today." I got rid of him.
With my final driving instructor, I ended up driving through an industrial estate and we passed a warehouse with 20 crates of protein shakes stacked up outside with a sign saying "FREE." He made me stop the car and load them all into the boot with him.
At the end of the lesson he said "How many of those crates do you want? Because I only want about 5." So I had to ask my step-dad to help me unload 15 crates of protein shakes into the utility room while I figured out what to do with them.
I was a very lonely teenager so my first plan was to use the protein shakes to get ripped and get a girlfriend. Unfortunately they tasted disgusting and I then found out that to build muscle you have to use protein shakes in combination with a workout, and I couldn't be bothered.
My next plan was to sell them at school and establish a profitable business. As I said, I had few friends so started wandering around the 6th form common room asking if anyone wanted to buy a crate of protein shakes that my driving instructor had found on an industrial estate.
I sold one crate to a girl called Iona for £5. Six months later my step-dad said I had three days to sell the rest or they were going to the tip.
Reader, they went to the tip.
Reader, they went to the tip.
Anyway, I can't drive and that's made it particularly difficult to connect with my family this year, and for the first time I've realised how badly I messed up all those lessons, so I just thought I should apologise to my parents for all that.
Might learn when I'm 40 or something.
