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Nothing tops the feeling of knowing you will fail your college semester and possibly ruin your chances of graduating and getting a decent job, as well as pissing off your parents royally. I truly fucking hate myself :^))
They said I would have more freedom, they said it can’t get any harder than this, I believed them, and now look at me. Falling so behind, assignments completely missing, because all my motivation went down the drain and I am constantly exhausted with having to deal with the world
And my family completely fails to make it any better. I know by the end of December, I’m gonna have to face my parents and tell them what is happening. I know what’s coming next, my phone and other electronics will be broken, my dad will yell at me and I’ll be forced to work with
him at his construction business (for free) which can’t even get off the ground because everyone he works with is so incompetent or deceiving. Worst of all, it means hundreds of dollars all gone, because I failed to get my act together and let everything crumble around me
I think the part that stings the most is I have no one to talk to about this. My sister and I just enable each other’s problems, I have absolutely no friends both on the internet and in real life, and therapists cost money which I barely have, and the ones they have at my college
did absolutely nothing to help me at all. I’m worried I might have a mental disability because the amount of struggling I have on a daily basis with basic things is just enormous, yet I have no strength to help myself, and everyone else just gives me the same shit I heard a
million times, which never works. Somedays, I just wish I could end it all. I just wish I could end my life completely, I wish I could stop feeling anything, so that I don’t have to think about the miserable pile of shit that is myself. I wish I could stop caring about other ppl
so that I could kill myself and let everyone move on with their lives without me being such a burden. School, life, and social media has slowly chipped away my sanity and my dignity, and at this point I’m hanging on by a bare thread. I try my best to pretend everything is fine
When in reality, my life is falling apart, and I’m desperately trying not to lose my sanity or start crying. I had a mental breakdown before, it felt horrible, I almost killed myself and my sister as well, I don’t want it to happen again, but I just don’t have the mental strength
to handle so much shit at once. I really wish I could have something, just anything that could help me feel the slightest bit better. I don’t think anyone I know in this website even knows what it feels like to be truly alone. Everyone here loves to say they’re too shy or timid
to talk to other people, they constantly have to worry that people are talking about them behind their backs, but at least they have actual friends to rely on, people that like them so much and people have similar interests and such. I don’t have that, I have never had that
I was expecting college to finally be the time where I broke out of my shell and finally started exploring the world around me. I was hoping this would be the time where I would find people that I liked and that liked me back. I desperately wanted a friend for once in my life
But whoop de doo, this pandemic absolutely ruined everything, and issues like Black Lives Matter only make me question if I will really ever get along with anyone my age. I live in a conservative state, almost every house in my city had Trump signs and flags around me
My family constantly deals with racist people trying to take advantage of them, and this year has brought out the absolute worst out of everyone, and all it’s doing is bringing back my cynical attitude. I keep asking myself “why would I want to bother with all of this
when I can just be alone and block out all the noise?” I have to keep asking why I should care about anyone else when I know they’ll most likely do or believe in something I will never respect. I’ve pretty much accepted that I will never know what it’s like to have a real
relationship. I’m alone in the world and that will never change. Back when I was in G+, I thought I had actually made genuine connections with people. Turns out it was always a lie. None of those “friendships” were ever genuine, and many of those “friends” I had turned out to be
real scumbags at the end of it. I see so many people here on Twitter, happily drawing each other fan art, sharing memes with each other, having friendly discussions, and I have to ask “why did I never have any of that? Why am I stuck being such a bland, uninteresting, weak pile
of garbage? Was I just made different? Was my existence just a complete mistake and I was never meant to be a real person with real feelings and real relationships and real interests?” It’s just bullcrap, that’s all I can say.
At the end of all of this, I’m afraid I will never accomplish my dream. All I want right now is to be a popular artist. I wanna make OCs, share them with the world, I wanna have my own fans, I wanna express myself, I see so much art around here and all I wish to see
is one of those creations being from me. This is all that’s keeping me from giving up, this is all I have to live for, but I will probably have to accept that this dream might never come true. Maybe I’ll keep being lazy, or maybe I will work hard and put in the effort, but yet
I will never achieve any sort of success. I will probably end up wasting my entire life waiting for miracles that will never happen, and then I will be left to rot of old age, with no one to take for me, or care about me. I’m chasing a pipe dream that might never pay off in my
only lifetime I have in this world. I hate believing it but what else is there to say. Every single thing I thought I would be successful in, I always failed. My failure with college classes not just once but twice truly highlights how much I stop caring about myself.
I have nothing to keep me going. I feel tired of everything. The flame that should keep me going always puts itself out before I even realize it. I’m a zombie at this point, not a care in the world and slowly awaiting the inevitable. It sucks but I can’t do anything about it.
This thread went on for far too long. Hopefully no one bothers to read any of this, I’ll just be screaming in the void, and I’ll probably end up deleting all of this and pretending everything is back to normal like I always do. That’s just who I am. I truly hate my life
