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I was so happy being around my baby brother today and now I'm back in my room and the depression is hitting hard haha. it helps having a father that shit talks you behind your back.
I don't know if I've ever admitted this out loud before on here but in all honesty I want a baby.
I don't know if I've ever admitted this out loud before on here but in all honesty I want a baby.
And this isn't a new thing, I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother since I was a child myself but now that I'm fucking 25 and it's becoming very apparent that that will likely never happen... idk.
Like, I'd always accepted that I couldn't have a child, I can't even take care of myself for Christ's sake so I knew and accepted that a kid was out of the question, but the want never went away.
I just know how better I am with my baby brother and I just feel like being able to raise my own child would be very... liberating? It would be a way for me to correct all the mistakes my parents made. I could free myself from how they made me feel. How dejected and unwanted.
And I could have a family of my own. A family that doesn't push me away or exclude me because of my age or feel embarrassed about me. A family that loves me unconditionally and doesn't just tolerate me out of obligation and feel the need to complain about me behind my back.
I'm good with kids. I could be a good mother, I believe that. It would be hard but I could do it. I just can't because I honestly do not believe I'll ever be able to adapt the way I should, the way I was supposed to a long time ago. idk haha. I don't deserve any happiness
I think that's the worst part. I could be fine in my current situation IF I was making my way up, if I was moving forward in life and adapting and getting on track. I'm not. I don't know if I ever will. There is no "it gets better" for me, there is no future to look forward to.
The way things are now, the way they've been in the past, that's how it's always going to be. It only gets worse from here.
anyway haha this thread got out of hand, I sound like I'm pining for a baby but I'm honestly not, I've moved past that stage years ago when I was a teenager. I think what I really want now is just... just a family. Unconditional love. Real love. No shit talking and back stabbing.
I would still love to be a mom, like I said I see that as the ultimate freedom and redemption for myself personally, but... anyway haha this is getting so out of hand I'm stopping myself here, back to shitposting
