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I was so happy being around my baby brother today and now I& #39;m back in my room and the depression is hitting hard haha. it helps having a father that shit talks you behind your back.
I don& #39;t know if I& #39;ve ever admitted this out loud before on here but in all honesty I want a baby.
I don& #39;t know if I& #39;ve ever admitted this out loud before on here but in all honesty I want a baby.
And this isn& #39;t a new thing, I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother since I was a child myself but now that I& #39;m fucking 25 and it& #39;s becoming very apparent that that will likely never happen... idk.
Like, I& #39;d always accepted that I couldn& #39;t have a child, I can& #39;t even take care of myself for Christ& #39;s sake so I knew and accepted that a kid was out of the question, but the want never went away.
I just know how better I am with my baby brother and I just feel like being able to raise my own child would be very... liberating? It would be a way for me to correct all the mistakes my parents made. I could free myself from how they made me feel. How dejected and unwanted.
And I could have a family of my own. A family that doesn& #39;t push me away or exclude me because of my age or feel embarrassed about me. A family that loves me unconditionally and doesn& #39;t just tolerate me out of obligation and feel the need to complain about me behind my back.
I& #39;m good with kids. I could be a good mother, I believe that. It would be hard but I could do it. I just can& #39;t because I honestly do not believe I& #39;ll ever be able to adapt the way I should, the way I was supposed to a long time ago. idk haha. I don& #39;t deserve any happiness
I think that& #39;s the worst part. I could be fine in my current situation IF I was making my way up, if I was moving forward in life and adapting and getting on track. I& #39;m not. I don& #39;t know if I ever will. There is no "it gets better" for me, there is no future to look forward to.
The way things are now, the way they& #39;ve been in the past, that& #39;s how it& #39;s always going to be. It only gets worse from here.
anyway haha this thread got out of hand, I sound like I& #39;m pining for a baby but I& #39;m honestly not, I& #39;ve moved past that stage years ago when I was a teenager. I think what I really want now is just... just a family. Unconditional love. Real love. No shit talking and back stabbing.
I would still love to be a mom, like I said I see that as the ultimate freedom and redemption for myself personally, but... anyway haha this is getting so out of hand I& #39;m stopping myself here, back to shitposting
