do i even call her my gf anymore? the last thing she said to me was “i’m alright, thank you for the concern” and i cant find her anywhere, we were both so giddy about meeting, she fucking bought me mochi, there’s no way she willingly did that to me so i just have to wait now??

i just have to... sit and.... live? without her? while i wait? sure the thought of her keeps me going but what the fuck... if my apathy slips away i’ll get so overwhelmed and harm myself physically AGAIN and what i just can’t comprehend this

this happened to me in december 2018, and my ex came back THREE months later and he managed to make me even more so attached, but he also left within two weeks bc he was away as an inpatient... haven’t heard from him since and i got no closure from that

janus motivates me, the thought of her soothes me, she like quite literally made me cry on ft for three hours when we first met and had a conversation abt nihilism and existentialism, it stimulated my brain without medication or therapy, it’s why i’m pursuing philosophy in uni

while she may not directly be my reason to live, she’s given me several others as well as, fulfilling my goal of being heard and comprehended, she quite literally has rearranged my brain to be more optimistic, and i subconsciously have more goals and aspirations thanks to her

she gave me the constant reassurance and validation i needed, that NO ONE else has ever given me before, my ex was a sadomasochist and was incompetent, she reassured my subconscious fear of abandonment and quite literally saw through all of my subconscious self sabotage

i have... never met someone like that, or someone who’s been able to do that. sure, her aspd gives her to ability to subconscious psychoanalyse me but, that’s, what i crave and i need, i want her to pick my brain apart and give it back to me like it’s a puzzle, i love her

i love her! i love her for her mind, her intentions, her compassion, even her wretched saviour complex, i love the way we both appreciate metaphysical shit that no one ever quite consciously acknowledges, she’s quite literally a goddess? she’s the goddess of doors for a reason

she’s THE goddess of doors? not just, prominently for myself but, for so many others? who i fortunately! don’t know personally, because i’d like her to myself, she offers me clarity on a silver platter, she offers me the explanations for my inaudible screaming and existential

guilt and suffering, she soothes everything, she blurs everything out; even whilst i go through the lowest episodes of apathy and the extremities of my delirious and demonic emotions and impulses, and even if she doesn’t directly stop me, the thought of her does!

she’s my sanity and clarity, while she may not clearly be the cure to my instability or warped perception of reality and anything deviating from it, she’s been an immense curve in helping me manage myself: i’m forever thankful for her. i love her so much! the thought of her keeps

me alive! i’ll have my extreme bouts, miserably dragged out periods of apathy and a lack of motivation, but the thought of her is my home. she is my home! i’m home when i’m with her, so, i’ll stay alive for as long as possible until i can find my way back home.

or! until my home comes back to me, either way, i’ll wait as long as i’m physically alive. i can be a walking corpse, but i’ll innately look for my home until i’ve come out of my search, and i meet my unknown permanency.

i hope she’s able to look back at what she’s done for me (and to me) and slip into some sort of solace from it! i may not forever be attached to her, but her presence and impact will linger and exist within everything i do in my life!