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what certain foods would be like if they were boyfriends (and you know, human): a thread
number 1: a fresh roll. 10/10 would take you to the gym with him. probably has perfect skin. dick would be wider than it would be longer, but he’d know how to use it. would bring your mom groceries in a heartbeat.
number 2: cubed hash browns. tough on the outside, but deep down is really sensitive and loving. you having a bad day? he’s already on his way to come cheer you up. loves your body even when you don’t. strong, traditional yet fair beliefs. wants a lot of kids someday.
number 3: hot dog. WEAK dick game, but has a bigger ass than you ever will. only orders burgers at restaurants. probably played hockey until he was in his 20’s. “doesn’t believe” in post secondary education. won’t open snapchat in front of you. punched walls in his teens.
numba 4: beef stew. you’d only date him for a short amount of time bc he’s “friend material”. REALLY bad B.O. considered the “funny one” in his friend group. you’re his first girlfriend. incredibly nice guy, but just not your type. gives great hugs. your little brother loves him
number 5: broccoli cheddar soup. this man is “the one that got away”. you guys still hook up sometimes, and you cry after. your grandma still talks about him. has 2 dogs that still recognize you. your life with him would’ve been perfect, but it just didn’t work out.
number 6: plain rice. probably works an office job. takes like 6 hours to text you back. only ever wants to talk about politics. fav position in bed is missionary. always seems lowkey passive aggressive. hates kids, cats, and small dogs. “too broke” for anniversary presents.
number 7: dressingless tossed salad. has a tattoo of a clock on his forearm. hates the government. lowkey body shames you. his type is “brunettes”. won’t shake your dad’s hand. won’t let you get your nipples pierced, but one of his already is. insta bio says “art is my passion”.
number 8: avocado toast. if Jairus Kersey were a food, this would be him. refuses to grocery shop anywhere but Trader Joes. trust fund baby 100%. is vegan, but lowkey hates it. overly flirtatious with his “girl friends”. would cheat on you “if that’s where the universe takes him”
number 9: thin crust pizza. this man has MONEY, but doesn’t flaunt it. literally takes you on the best, most boujie dates ever. his mom texts you just to chat sometimes. your friend groups all hang out. a gentlemen in every regard. OUTSTANDING in bed. makes great breakfasts.
number 10: sushi. you’ve literally never received better head. dresses nice ALL the time. shamelessly out of your league. works hard for everything he has. doesn’t have a very big dick, but you don’t even care. all your friends have a crush on him. known as “mysterious”.
i wanna see y’all build on this thread. please HELP ME PROCRASTINATE MY STUDYING
