i just learned that the lotr films aren't on netflix any more. so instead im gonna watch the battle of the five armies for the first time since i saw it in the cinema

(not on netflix either, amazon prime)

i've seen the other hobbit movies twice each but this one only once because i think i hated it? the first two i genuinely liked but this one... hmmmm. let's see

i can't believe this is how this movie opens. never has it been clearer that this was never meant to be 3 films, jesus

literally 11 minutes into this film and i hate it so much, good god smaug's death is so terrible

lol i forgot the failed de-aging of orlando bloom

all of this laketown shit is just impossibly dreadful. i don't remember it being this bad in the desolation of smaug but maybe it was? yeah it probably was

marginally better for the moments we spend at erebor but oh wait no back to fuckin adventures of bard at laketown uuuughhh

oh genuinely what the fuck at elrond and saruman just being there for a cool battle scene?! i think i blocked this from my memory, this is violence

what the FUCK. WHY. the blue thing isn't something that galadriel can just turn on and off, it was a representation of her temptation by the one ring! it was her imagining what she could become, and resisting it! (and it was bad then!)

i just cannot believe that this happened

the one thing this movie did good was the cool sauron effects, i think the first one also did a weird vortexy thing too which was rad as hell. that's about 5 seconds of this so far... holy shit im only 40 minutes in? christ

32 minutes in fact. last time i noted the time it was 20 minutes and i was like "surely that was another 20" but no, that was 12 minutes. i hate this so much

hugo weaving doing his absolute best, one strongly emphasised R at a time

not the hugest fan of martin freeman nowadays but it's not a bad job as bilbo. a bit overacted, as he tends to do. nothing subtle... but then hobbits aren't subtle

richard armitage nails thorin and i won't hear a word against it. a light against the darkness of this film

oh, briefly there it had it. the acorn. that was like going back in time, or forward in time. if only the whole trilogy could have caught that same thing

this concept is so cool and actually i'm enjoying this much more since it went from "ending the second one" and "cool fanservice fight" to "how would it actually go, all these people trying to work shit out before war"

there's just these little nuggets of great here, and then bard is in a scene or lee pace's terrible cgi deer or a bad cgi stone head falls and it... makes me want to die

hate how good this soundtrack is though. christ im absolutely not watching all of this tonight, i'm almost bailing already

oh the reprise of the bit that plays originally when frodo is shown the mythril... that's so nice... there is heart here somewhere

the slow-mo "not one piece of it"... WHY?! it added nothing! it didn't make him more threatening or... anything! i just don't understand!

just let me watch gandalf and thranduil chat for hours, ty, lee pace and mckellan are a lot of fun

what the fuck was that?
"if anything moves, kill it"
*bilbo abseils down the cliff and runs all the way to dale*
"hello i'm here to exposit, hi gandalf btw"

what is this film? who signed off on any of this??

bilbo uses the ring on screen when its convenient, and at other times he's visible to us but we're meant to assume he's using the ring, i think, because otherwise it's, like the rest of this shitheap, nonsense

we are 1 hour and 3 minutes in btw. we still have 1 hour and 21 minutes to go. this is the shortest of the hobbit films iirc.

mvps so far: lee pace's eyebrows, richard armitage who wholly sells "possessive dwarf". god this is garbage i'm really struggling to find positives

oh aidan turner doesn't even need to be on screen to deliver some incredible lines, attaboy, i loved you before poldark

i guess bilbo actually forgot that he has the ring, so he actually did abseil down the cliff and run to dale fully visible, bc he sure isn't using it when it could be real handy, like when thorin may want to kill him

huhuh piggy

huhuhuh billy connolly

does this make the movie? no. does it significantly improve it? yes

lol again kinda cool to see the elves and dwarves team up.

how the fuck is there still over an hour of this horrible movie, my god

i hate that we have to deal with bard's insufferable family because they exist, therefore they probably must survive. let's just not?? let's just get to the good shit???

i am genuinely done for today. "where my kids"
"i saw them at the market!"
"at the market? so where are they now? KIDS!! KIDS?!"

i can't stand any more of this. we'll resume tomorrow. if you're thinking of watching this movie: don't

just read the fuckin book and honestly you'll be done in half the time!

i could not hate this any more, how did literally any of this get signed off? even the good bits with thorin in erebor are ruined somehow. this is just hatefully rubbish, it's spiteful. fuck everyone who likes the hobbit, look at it now

might try and finish this now

what is the point of alfrid's character? we know men are weak, we had it drilled in for 3 movies last time, the rest of them this time seem okay so why are we devoting so much time to this weasel? it won't even be cathartic when he dies bc he's been doomed for about 2 hours now

god i wish he had crushed them all with the cart.

never any danger to these pathetic teenagers who can do nothing but shriek, the boy manages it why are the girls so worthless? pick up a fucking sword! how did these kids grow up in middle earth without the barest training?

nooo billy connolly's piggy!

and he yells "BUGGERS!" lol

thorin vs dwalin is brilliant, once again i do maintain that richard armitage NAILED thorin

uuuuugh that said, thorin being literally swallowed by gold is a little on the nose, don't we think

6 movies in, peter jackson remembers that women can actually hold a weapon, and it's all a fucking alfrid joke, i despair

"gonna take out their leader" "azog" HOW DO YOU KNOW, BILLY CONNOLLY

WHERE DID THAT BIG GOAT COME FROM

still hung up on women only being allowed to pick up weapons as a fuckin joke against the worst character in the entire fucking series, but hey i can still be mad

"thorin's taking his best warriors, dwalin, fili and kili"

exCUSE me?! the big mohawk guy and... the literal children? his best warriors?! good fuckin god

WHERE DID THEY GET THE FUCKING GOATS

at this point i wish they were all dead, but i seem to recall Fili getting fuckin shafted so prepare for that rage too

where has James Nesbitt been this movie, remember when we all thought he was being set up for Bofur being killed off instead of one of the twins? yeah

this is like a video game? "no more than a hundred goblins, we two heroes can deal with it"

lol thranduil is like "we went to a battle and a few of my guys were killed?! fuckin bail out, im done" how legolas ended up with such stamina is beyond me

"i'll go" "no they'll see u" "no they wont"

the NOISE i just made, my fuckin god i almost choked. horrifying dialogue! bilbo you're supposed to be unconscious by now, better for us all if you were

at least he finally fucking remembered the magic thingy he has! at a time when it makes sense for him to use it!!

thranduil's sad face at not getting to kill... i forget her name, it hasn't been said in hours, is hilarious

oh fuckin god more alfrid, please tell me he dies. can he fall in pig shit or get beheaded by a baby yoda version of an orc or something really embarrassing, please

auuuuuughh i CRINGE. and this guy with his coin tits is still better than fucking bard and his pathetic family. i'm not sure i really think that but right now i'm so annoyed

now, i'm fairly sure fili is about to die and i cry at book fili and kili dying (it's one sentence right before thorin dies), and i'm sure i cried first time watching this at all of the deaths. let's see how i do now

i seem to recall that at least one of the twins has a weirdly brutal death for no reason?

the drums and the lighting up of various passageways is meant to echo the mines of moria, maybe? doesn't work, none of the tension is there even though this has +2 death count

awww, fili

haha, bilbo actually nails the "wow, he just FUCKING DIED, i didn't sign up for this" kinda shocked stumble walk as everyone else charges off

remember the other cool theory that Azog was related to sauron somehow, because in the first movie he had sauron's theme for no reason? resurrected by sauron, a version of sauron, all kinds of things!

no, nope, that was actually just for no reason, just cool music. cool

how is legolas STILL stealing scenes in the worst way?? does he really need to grab onto a giant bat to fly to the battle?! not only does he look about 20 years older than in the original trilogy, we're still doing this bullshit?

legolas got there slower than tauriel bc turns out a bat is not like a bus, it kinda goes where it wants

(yeah i remembered her name, still a better character than whatever arwen ended up with)

oh, bilbo's out. so that's the end, yeah? epilogue now?

don't worry, we already had pippin do his "the eagles are coming!" line, it's fine, we can just... skip the rest?

oh look a woman needs a man (dwarf) to rescue her. she was doing just fine until we started doing the "kili!" "tauriel!" "kili!" back and forth. just as competent as legolas, i may say. who never gets a scratch. funny that

oh shit i take something of that back, he fucks up and just dies? amazing

ahahaha legolas being out of arrows is the funniest bit of this entire movie. fuck YOU legolas you piece of shit asshole elf boy

hang on a sec at a climactic moment. what the fuck are these trolls? who in the hell thought that quad-limb amputee trolls were a good idea?! what the fuck!!!

oh, legolas saved by fucking accident. kill him and save us all the bother of tolerating him, please

yet more bullshit cgi legolas. who in the production team though "hey, maybe people want more legolas? people love legolas!!" i hate that person

i liked legolas too

WHEN I WAS TWELVE

*fast paced battle is occurring*

*legolas somehow sits on a big orc's head for upwards of 5 seconds without orc moving, then stabs him in the head*

*this is fine apparently*

oh the eagles, yeah, great, cool, but let's go back a sec - how the fuck did azog's big lump of metal get caught in the ice that he has just been bashing apart for about 5 minutes

i thought thorin might just chop off his fuckin arm but no that's too easy

kinda fun, radagast and beorn leading the eagles. not really in keeping, really does open up questions like "why didn't gandalf just ask the eagles to drop the ring in mt doom", since his pal apparently can ask them to carry him around

but i have given up caring

i charitably think that thorin's final battle with azog is meant to represent... something? his inability to return from his own madness? maybe it's all in his head after azog drowns? this is very, very charitable

yeah that's definitely it! he's already wounded, he gives up to azog's sword to allow him the killing blow... it's in his head, he's letting it all go

oh. he's... he's not dead? ok... i was being real charitable here. someone gonna jump down and chop of thorin's head? maybe

very reminiscent of boromir at the end here, in dialogue and angles, i like that a lot

ok just a few tears

what the fuck is this?! thranduil being to legolas like "ye just go meet arathorn's kid" as if he didn't turn up at the council of elrond what, 40 years later? totally unaware. guess he just ignored his shithead dad huh

why are we attempting to give legolas a history and a personality NOW?! only a decade too late!

love in these movies varies between "forever bonded" to "met once, talked a bit, decided we liked one another"

and also "god she's pretty but will she ever look at a scrub like me" (legolas)

oh bilbo's thousand-yard stare is pretty good though. honestly freeman is pretty good generally in this, when his casting was announced i was stoked bc of COURSE he was bilbo! and i can't really take that back? he's good.

awww this scene, this way too long scene of gandalf noisily cleaning his pipe next to a traumatised bilbo... i'm so glad this made it in. this is the best scene in the entire movie

oh whoops i'm crying? it briefly played thorin's theme, i can't recall its name but it's one of the best pieces in the first hobbit's incredible soundtrack, it got me for a second

Fatty Bolger namedrop lol

(yes, still a bit teary)

slightly genius to end it where it started, very good

Very Hurtful to get @BillyBoydActor to do the ending song, i can't maintain an ounce of annoyance or anger, too busy crying. how dare they.

oh, the piece that played as Thorin died was Axe or Sword, one of the really memorable pieces of the series

as i recall, in an Unexpected Journey, plays upon his entrance to Bag End. entirely Thorin's theme

i still really, really like the first Hobbit movie, not quite on a LOTR level but i think it's mostly decent and parts of the soundtrack are there for sure.

wait a second did Alfrid live. did we not get an Alfrid death scene. what the fuck how on earth did that horrendous character get shoehorned into so many scenes as a minor villain and nothing came of it

oh, extended edition.

wait. there's a fucking extended edition of these films?! holy fucking god, what did they not want to cut.

he dies in the EE by being catapulted into a troll's mouth, suffocating both himself and the troll, therefore saving gandalf. wish i was kidding

i really thought this was a joke, but the EEs for all 3 movies do exist, and frankly this is not an unbelievable end for that character. god, do i not want to see any of them, but morbidly curious as to what was just barely cut...

anyway, that's the end of this thread. glad some people enjoyed it. i'm still angry!!