Hi, I wanna do a little straight talk about shitty families & holiday gatherings.

Context: I cut off contact with my parents ~4 years ago. As the oldest daughter, they made me 3rd wheel in their dysfunctional marriage & I needed a divorce lol.

I'm seeing a lot of folks expressing a lot of incredulity over their families insisting get-togethers for the holidays.

"Don't my parents/aunts/uncles/grandparents/in-laws care about keeping their family safe?"

Not to be rude but like, read the room. Obviously not.

Shitty people exist. They have relatives. You might be one of them.

A lot of folks w shitty relatives find themselves waiting for them to wake up & stop being shitty.

And as someone who spent a lot of years waiting? IT AIN'T HAPPENING. Selfish people have no reason to change.

Selfish, narcissistic people don't "hit rock bottom." Ever.

Your holiday plans should be about your own survival & safety.

Family members who actually give a fuck about you will understand this.

Those who do not, have already been taking you for granted for a long time.

So. If you have family that is insisting you come for the holidays, and you don't want to,

then don't!

You have survival instincts for a reason. They're good! Listen to them!

A few pointers on ways to pull that off.

First off, YOU DO NOT OWE THEM AN EXPLANATION.

If you have entitled relatives who expect you to show up to a gathering and you tell them in advance that you're not, they WILL wheedle, whine, yell, threaten, demand an explanation, etc.

You don't owe them one.

You don't even have to tell them you're not coming. You can just...not.

Easier to ask forgiveness than permission & all that.

Sometimes there are reasons to need to stay on relatives' good side, e.g. being a student or otherwise financially dependent.

In that case getting out of the holidays is trickier but not impossible.

First things first: it's ok to lie to people who don't care if their family members live or die!

Relatives that insist on gathering are doing it out of casual disregard for human life. Getting lied to is hardly the worst consequence they can face.

Speaking from personal experience, shitty relatives with a hard-on for family values

are also really into hard work & bootstrapping.

"Work emergencies" are an A+ rationale for not being around on holidays.

Esp in this economy. "Sorry, just got this job, I can't risk losing it."

Don't have a job? Make one up. "My roommate's friend's dad's ghost kitchen needed someone to cover 3 emergency holiday shifts & y'know, *you guys taught me the value of hard work*"

lmao they love that shit

Folks who insist on family gatherings in a pandemic are pretty likely to be giant fucking narcissists, so flattery can go a long way.

If you need a story for why you can't attend, one that plays into their sense of superiority can be super helpful.

Let me repeat: it's ok to lie to gd idiots with no sense of self-preservation.

You do not owe ANYTHING to people who'd rather risk death or permanent disability for their own family than skip one party.

Say it with me: Fuck those guys.

It sucks that it's like this. But the fact of the matter is, a lot of us have families where you either learn to use your elbows

or you don't survive.

Not kidding. I watched my family gang up a cousin until she committed suicide.

At that point I figured out that trying to be who they wanted me to be, could actually kill me. So I chose do ditch 'em and live.

This holiday, it looks like a lot of folks are having the same realization.

It's good to choose to live.

guys I made a shitty graphic to go with our shitty families