It's once again time for my annual rant about the holidays and the complex feelings they bring up for so many. [THREAD]

Even for folks in a great headspace, the holidays bring a ridiculous degree of pressure to "do them right" or be jolly, with mistletoe and holly... and other things ending in "olly". Things become remarkably complex for folks for whom the holidays bring...feelings.

There are so many people who have complex memories and even trauma related to past holidays. There are people for whom this might be their first holiday season without someone dear to them, and they're grieving that loss.

To those of you for whom the holidays are a complicated time: YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. You don't have to experience the holiday season in any way but the way you need. Holidays are social constructs, and you can change them to meet your needs however you want or need!

For those trying to help others be happy during the holiday season, please purge, "But you should feel [INSERT FEELING HERE] for the holidays!" from your lexicon. It's a well-meaning sentence with oodles of unintentional guilt heaped on people who might already be struggling.

If you REALLY want to help folks who might be feeling terribly during the holiday season, I have a few possible strategies I tend to follow:

Ask permission to help, and honor their answer:
Some people are comfortable doing their own thing and working through feelings. Some want help. Asking, "Is it okay if I do something for you?" allows them be in the driver seat for their own feelings and needs.

If they want my help, "What would be most helpful right now?" is a question I often ask people. If they don't know, I might follow it up with, "I can just listen, offer some potential solutions, or a combo of both."

In any case, what I want to communicate to them is that it's THEIR needs that are most important and not my preconceived ideas of what the holiday season "should be," and I want to do so in a way that honors their autonomy.