TW: age gap discourse, pedophilia, abusive relationships

hello everyone! i'd like to share a story publicly, because someone in a reply thread disingenuously characterized it as a general defense of adults and minors dating. i think it reveals some important misunderstandings

this is merely my personal experience, and the only generalized advice i offer from it is this: be careful of making blanket statements about morality, because you will likely include outliers who don't deserve that association. be specific about what you criticize. value nuance!

so here's the story: i dated an 18-year-old when i was 14. actually, we were in a poly triad with a 16-year-old, too. we all had classes together, had a shared friend group within that age range (+/- 1), and we were some of the only out gay/trans/polyam people in the whole school

that latter fact is, i think, one of the factors that is hard for some present-day teenagers to grasp. queerness is increasingly accepted in society, especially among teens, but that was not the case merely 12 years ago, when i entered high school

despite the 4-year age gap and the legal adult/minor distinction, our relationship was not abusive, predatory, or traumatizing. so, understandably, i get upset when strangers insist that it was. rather, it was protective, solidarity-building, and formative for my young queer self

dating someone with a car and driver's license who could take me out from my abusive household was immensely healing. that's an important fact: i experienced emotional, physical, and pedophilic sexual abuse for many years. that is why i know this relationship wasn't that

i've been in abusive romantic relationships both before and after that 14-and-18 age gap relationship. it occurred 12 years ago, and i think that temporal distance is important for my analysis of the situation. it sucks for a teen on Twitter to tell me i'm wrong about my own life

you may be shocked and appalled to hear that it wasn't uncommon for larger age gaps, like 16 and 20, to result in relationships, particularly back in the era when being gay was illegal and the internet didn't exist. many were sketchy, but some were happy, healthy, not regrettable

i see people make statements like "16- and 20-year-olds have nothing in common". that's not always true. some of the former get emancipated and graduate early. plenty of the latter don't go to college. they end up in the same workforce, and especially the same queer community

the more oppressive the general environment, the more minorities tend to flock to each other. sometimes it results in relationships likely to be irresponsible or end badly. but that's not always regrettable. and some of those people do actually end up in happy lifelong marriages

so anyway, it's true that romantic/sexual relationships with age gaps of more than a couple years across the minor/adult border can be a red flag. but here's the other important argument: those people usually know that. shaming them makes it harder to realize when it's abusive

because they become convinced that the age gap is the only real reason that others disapprove. predators will frame it that way. that's why we need to be clear about the specific behaviors that are harmful, and help abused people even when they're making bad decisions

and don't underestimate the amount of baggage that adults in resilient relationships can overcome. it's quite uncommon, but some people in unhealthy (even abusive) relationships as young adults work through their problems and stay together for life

that is the case for plenty of elders in long-term marriages today. they survived extreme legal discrimination based on sex/race/etc, major sociopolitical upheaval, even wartime drafts and PTSD. if they're still happy, trust their judgments and decisions about their dating lives

it's so weird to me to see people say disgustedly, "my grandma married my grandpa when she was 13 and he was 20" when they're still happily married. evidently, it worked out for them! some young girls married into better situations than their abusive homes. couldn't do much else

i'm not saying that cultural norms prohibit criticism. it sucks that things were that way where large age gap relationships including minors were common... but don't shame the people who ended up okay. shame doesn't help. ask people you see being groomed about what help they need

and beyond the adult/minor issue, large age gaps among adults are also nuanced situations. but other vulnerabilities, like physical disability, financial stability, or immigration status can relate to the harm caused more than age. younger people can be abusive to older partners

i'm much more critical of "problematic age gap" posts about adults, because viral ones invariably get dozens of responses from happy couples with age gaps of 20 or 30 years. and remember, adult age gap relationships are, by definition, NEVER pedophilia. don't trivialize it!