[NSFW CW: BDSM/kink]... ...

Things that have made me a better Dominant:

1) Subbing.

If you submit, you're walking in shoes you'll ask another to fill when you dom.

What turns you on in submission will likely work on some people who want to sub for you in that dynamic.

2) Learning active listening.

Empathy is crucial to my process as a dominant - I respond primarily to a sub's feedback.

Active listening can help you get in a sub's head & in turn their deepest desires.

It's easy to probe to the heart of a kink if you know how to ask questions

3) Learning to better tailor communication to dirty talk en scene.

I'd like to thank Mr. BLK of @BlkPomegranate for teaching me ways to elevate that skill years ago

I cannot recommend learning from him enough, he is incredibly knowledgeable, friendly, and responsible!

To say more about this...

Too many new dominants may shy away from checking in as often as they need or improving their techniques

because they don't see how to use dirty talk to keep the initial check-in en scene.

Whether it's telling your sub to kiss the paddle if they want more

or saying, "Do you remember your safeword babygirl?" if you also need a refresher of a partner's safeword when your scene starts out

just think about how you can work the concern in with the moment.

4) Always questioning:

As someone with the deepest fondness for mental kink

and working in humiliatrix and prodomme capacities online

my domination techniques involve a lot of questions inside and outside the scene/bedroom.

I often send new-ish subby FWBs surveys.

Getting an understanding of my sub's experiences, expectations, and limits means I basically have a schematic of their desire.

That's how I think of every delve for personal info from a sub - I'm getting their schematics

so I can consensually manipulate them for mutual pleasure

5) Learning and using the safety techniques every time

and teaching them to partners who don't know.

I have absolutely stopped making out during a sex date to teach a person how to safely compress my carotid instead of crushing my windpipe.

Subs need to know this too!

6) Engaging in kink-critical discussion.

Kink critical doesn't mean somebody hates kink;

it just doesn't exist in a vacuum.

It's important for a dom to familiarize ourselves with the cultural connotations and consequences of our kinks

even if it's a kink we LOVE!

Some kinks are problematic.

If we have problematic kinks, a critical discussion is probably the first place it'll come to our attention if we don't already know.

Some kinks even hurt us in ways we don't realize at the time

(Ex. me, a brutal emotional masochist 14yrs ago.)

7) Ignoring anyone preaching the "one twu way" of BDSM.

Embracing all the different ways people embody D/s roles and fulfill their kink needs is fascinating!

Kink is a relationship, it's going to look as unique as your relationship e yr partner.

No one should shame your style if you aren't nonconsensually harming ppl

Be a dominant pet
Be a submissive CG

Paddle a dom
Wear head to toe denim

Only furnish your home w human furniture.

8) Discarding cissexist, gender essentialist norms in my relationships.

Nobody forced to posture for the sake of something like toxic masculinity

is truly going to feel authentic in kink if their desires contradict stereotypes about masculinity & they can't safely explore them.

9) Recognizing kink can be therapeutic,

but is NOT a replacement for therapy/psychiatry/etc.

means I have a flexible tool to help my subs change their lives, take care of themselves, and meet their goals.

10) Not wasting dominant energy on people who won't connect on the level I need to wanna dom.

If you don't pay to play and we're not flirty kinky friends or anything

you have to give me a reason to be interested in investing in you as a sub.

I don't mind spanking or lending out my vag to pop fister cherries at parties, sometimes

But many dominants of more IRL dungeon experience discuss how often they'll find their time consumed by requests from strangers

or worse, rudeness because they declined them.

But what I DO practice is just severing connections with people who only want to sub for me but won't give me any interpersonal connection or money in exchange.

I've lost so much time to subby cis dudes who wouldn't talk about anything but their dicks.

No more, dickbritches!

11) Embracing my many sides.

Just like nobody can tell me how a dom should "be dominant"

nobody can say that non-CG doms should always be serious or sadistic.

Kink is a way of expressing myself, and also a way to role-play& explore my potential.

I go with the flow, how I feel

12) Regularly re-evaluating my limits, and asking my friends who loved those things what they liked about some of them.

Very specifically this is how I went from having ABDL hard-limited (bc of past trauma) to having several DL loved ones in my life, thanks to @InsertTransHere

13) Learning your subs:

No wrong way to do it, be it asking your new dungeon partner what their triggers and limits are and if they have physical signs of yellow-light distress if they go nonverbal.

Ask about subspace and aftercare.

Ask what names they love/hate.

The better you know your bottom, the easier they are to make shudder with the shortest possible sentence or gesture

and who can resist that kind of power?

14) Being trauma-informed

and what's more,

informed about my own trauma.

Sometimes we don't consider that a dominant may be triggered by part of the play too.

15) Checking in with my subs.

The meta conversation of how your D/s relationship is going should not be ignored.

Trust is essential in a lot of the play I love.

It doesn't always have to be an overview of your relationship.

Even just asking their thoughts on yesterday's scene

16) When I find a sub who likes homework, I give them homework we can BOTH benefit from.

In service this can be them doing a task for me for their HW

but in general I also love the effectiveness of getting subs to keep sub journals

or write about their experiences or fantasies

17) I don't let distance or reality limit all my exploration.

Role-playing is incredibly useful and incredibly hot.

It can easily be done via text or a phone.

I love being able to share my fantasy kinks with partners instead of being limited to smutty art or erotica.

18) I yoinked the improv guideline of "yes, and?"

(in attitude if not actual conversation)

Rigid, planned, controlled scenes have their place in the world

but so much of kink can be so exploratory and fulfilling if you adapt to what your partner provides!

It's like a duet.

(Or jam band, girl/boy/enby group, choral ensemble, etc. if you're not doing 1v1 kink!)

Even if you are the dominant, there's more than just you in the scene

so let your submissive(s) co-author it with you!

As with D&D paries, trying to railroad your partner... isn't always gonna work for everyone.

Even if it works for your partner, don't underestimate the bonding you can do collaborating.

19) I'm intentional with my words.

This is an essential part of using someone's "blueprint"

to make them blush, or stammer, or cum at the right moment.

I am also intentional with my tone and articulation when using my voice to dom.

Many doms have The Voice. You know the one.

20) Having negative experiences as a sub& dom over time.

Experience teaches you so much,

but bad experiences help me learn the most, even ones I didn't personally have.

I'm not saying self destruct,

just try to look at what you can carry forward after an incident.

21) Body service.

I know this might sound weird but I just personally gain a lot of connection from washing a partner (D or s) in the shower.

It's a time to really revere and give care to their body.

It gives ways to support the self-care of partners and myself. Very intimate.

Plus bathing together, for example, is a great way to get cleaned up before anal play while still engaging.

It's ok if it's not for everyone but listen,

I am all about making life easier

and making my scenes more comprehensive.

Hi friends! I left this open ended so I could add more but I'd also just like to say

if you're financially stable and appreciate my advice here,

please consider helping this Disabled sex educator and sex worker save up for my move in December! https://twitter.com/SugarCunt/status/1329963417826861056?s=19

I have some more goodies

22) Use the pain scale.

This is a pretty basic impact practice so it surprises me when folks aren't familiar.

W/ impact especially, establishing a pain scale for EACH PARTNER is important.

One partner likes impact at a 15 on the 1-10 scale, another is so sensitive that 15=.

Here's how to use the 1-10 pain scale in a scene:

Spank them once in your intended target area.

Ask what # it would be, 1-10.

Second hit, harder, 1-10.

The goal is familiarizing yourself with the swing you need for what they want

Ask the # they want most of the pain to be.

You can communicate throughout an impact scene in this way, using numbers to guide how hard and where you hit.

You can use this outside of impact too!

If you're intimidated by wax play, a brief 1-10 test w yr candles will help you AND your top

(Also having the right candles)

23) On the note of wax play

The candles you use ARE important.

Any candle that burns too hot, especially beeswax candles, can unintentionally hurt the sub.

Soy candles, unscented, are most ideal for responsible beginner wax play.

Any candle with a scent will burn hotter.

If you're not familiar with topping wax play, also bear in mind:

the further the wax falls

the cooler it will be on the skin.

Seems simple but some folks don't realize it! *Shrug*

If you love chastity and are as homebound as me,

you may have struggled with the idea of "locking" a distance sub's chastity device when they have the keys...

(aside from a safety key which your sub should always know the location of)

They make disposable, numbered, plastic small locks.

Lock check your sub as often as you want w a photo of the lock.

If the number is different, someone has some explaining to do.

25) Recognize these?

You should if you do rope play.

Trauma shears like this are pretty affordable, and they're kink safety must-haves!

[Image: photo of a set of trauma shears]

26) I've talked a lot about my love of essays, homework, and surveys

but I wanna specifically hone in on the topic of a sub journal now,

especially for your new, lifestyle, or TPE subs!

This is such a customizable activity for your needs.

First, make sure you and your sub discuss a realistic schedule and what your expectations of journaling will be.

Will they write daily?

After scenes?

Only when you assign something?

How long is the writing expected to be?

Sub journal prompts:

•What draws you to submission?
•What is your ideal dominant like?

•What are your limits? Make soft+hard limit lists.

•What kink most interests you and why?

•What is your most ambitious/taboo/creative/__ fantasy?

•What does it mean to you to submit?

•What is your ideal aftercare?

•Talk about a time when your dom did not provide you enough aftercare

•500 words on what you like about [insert kink here]

This is can seriously go on.

Also please please PLEASE consider

•making your sub research and journal about the oppressive histories of their kinks

A great way to force your sub to think on inequality.

•Making your sub journal just for their own self-care

•Journaling for behavior modification tracking

If text journaling isn't your sub's thing, other options include:

•oral reports (yes, yes HENH)

•Disussing these things together during focused intimate time

•Having them read them out loud to you

•art projects

•interpretive dance

•making music or playlists

The point is that you and your sub explore and examine some of these things together

and building that in as the dominant means you're creating the structure for that exploration

instead of just kinking out when you're together but never getting around to those conversations.

27) Mid-scene switching with a regular partner who is also a switch.

If you only hold one role each scene, some people are going to be waiting a while before they get to try what they really want.

It's easy in a switch couple to just default to the same roles when y're in a rut

There are a lot of different ways to structure this, so as with all my advice (except safety advice)

DIY the shit outta it.

Some folks might benefit from planning their scene and the roles it'll contain.

My nesting partner and I improvise depending on how we feel.

Sometimes this looks like a sudden and unannounced shift in the dialogue,

sometimes it's narrating the start of the scene you're initiating

sometimes it's direct "out of character" communication

(don't mind me outing myself for all those years of text RPing lol)

This is because we fuck often, spontaneously.

If we have a very specific planned scene it's more the norm to talk about that beforehand.

Otherwise, we cycle through dynamics at a whim, shifting the sceptre between the two of us

But the result of changing roles so quickly and often?

I get more practice

and practice DOES help, with all things.

28?) I learned to divorce the sensations and experience I provide from common expectations.

This is perfect general advice (kinds similar to other points)

but also, specifically, a great impact hack I'd like to thank @pollysprime for teaching me firsthand

it was blissful.

I like impact but have chronic pain, I don't love pain & have a low pain threshold bc fibro. I prefer thud, not sting

some new kinksters forget everything can have nuance.

A sadist might be amused by hitting someone hard

but some of us don't want that most of the time!

After establishing the pain scale with me and one of @FunkitToys' beautiful rainbow wooden paddles

@pollysprime gave me a beautiful, rhythmic, hypnotic rapid spanking,

keeping her swings between 4-6 on my scale with a rare 7 for surprise ouch.

It totally lulled and soothed me

Really served as tangible evidence to me there absolutely was valid space in kink even for impact that isn't very painful.

It was a panacea for the soul and I love showing others.

Trying to find doms who understand nuance like that can be tough

By the end of that spanking I was so centered and also deeply aroused,

so if you're struggling to conceive how a non-painful spanking would be fun

just think that for some of us it's like foreplay.

29) Learn about how the brain works.

You needn't have a deep interest in psychology to find comprehensive books on the topic anymore.

The hypno community may be one of the few I can think of off the top of my head that really obviously utilizes psych a lot & I'm still new to it

Psychology topics I recommend:

•Trauma & PTSD. this is going to inform play for a shitton of people.

my personal rec is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

•Neuroplasticity ( book recommendation also mentions this)

and how learning happens on a neural lvl

•Conditioning and reinforcement

This ties in with neuroplasticity

I can't imagine how you'd expect to train a sub w/o being familiar with it.

Handy tip to differentiate:

Negative reinforcement is NOT directly "bad"

it centers on motivating the subject to avoid something, like punishment.

Positive reinforcement centers on rewarding your subject for the behaviors you want to promote.

On a neuropsych lvl, all our behaviors/habits are just neural pathways between brain cells.

They're often referred to using the visualization of grooves on the brain, or roads.

When a person meets a stimulus, their neurons fire, driving down the road from cell A to cell B.

With enough repetition of the same stimulus triggering the A to B neuronal firing,

you get a deep "groove" in your brain (the heart is jealous)

meaning the behavior becomes basically automatic.

Ex. muscle memory... habits... maladaptive coping skills...

[GIF of Deee-Lite]

The deeper the groove, the more well-worn the road,

the more quickly your brain tries to use the road.

Neuroplasticity refers to yr brain's ability to re-organize all that shit,

and purportedly children have more than most adults

which is why kids learn & cope & change fast.

The reason it's really fucking hard to stop biting your nails or using harmful coping tactics

is because your new habits must

forge a new path

and walk the new path

A LOT b4 yr brain routes traffic to the new path by default

and your brain isn't as spry as it used to be.

SO.

That long background summary aside, let me explain why you should care, dear degenerates,

If you want to train a partner, you need to understand how it all works.

The stimulus in conditioning makes the neural pathways fire to generate the response.

If you're trying to train your sub and want them to, say, get aroused when you whistle

the obvious answer is positive reinforcement.

Negative reinforcement isn't always painful/unethical, just often used that way

Positive reinforcement usually yields the most optimal outcomes.

This training will take repetition so the neural pathways fire a lot and the response becomes habitual.

So you whistle every time your sub is permitted pleasure.

You'll see colloquial stories all the time about people getting aroused by partners putting up a ponytail bc oral.

Understanding neural pathways and neuroplasticity also means you understand why

you should NEVER just quit or derail the habit you're trying to build if you miss one day.

Y're training some brain cells. It takes time, especially for adults.

Giving up ensures it never happens.

This also means that you, dear degenerates,

can use low-key conditioning techniques on your sub just for little things for effect

not so much in a nonconsensual way

just more in the "you can find a button and push it and also nurture the button and link other things to it"

30) Learning what's racist and why and all the terminology involved so you don't use or perpetuate.

Just a very obvious example, do you know about the fetishistic racist history & aspectsof cuckolding, still perpetuated today with shocking regularity

31) I swapped SSC for RACK (now PRICK exists too!)

"Safe, sane, consensual" is such an ableist misnomer. Nothing in life is 100% safe, you can drown in a tub with very little water in it.

My mentally-ill edgeplay-loving self quickly adopted RACK: risk-aware consensual kink.

PRICK is the latest offering from the BDSM community: Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink.

I like it. I'll probably use it once I can remember what the acronym stands for without Google.

@KaylaLords has more details: https://lovingbdsm.net/2018/05/02/ssc-rack-prick/

32) I actively sought to learn from others.

Whether you attend local demos or get a @KinkAcademy subscription

you'll ALWAYS improve as a dominant by continuing to learn and hone your craft.

Kink has a seemingly endless number of permutations

don't you wanna try 'em all?

33) Taking notes, literally.

I'm a nerd from stem to stern.

I'm nonmonogamous, I have 5 partners.

I'm Disabled and have a lot of holes in my memory from gaslighting.

So I have a google spreadsheet I try to maintain with details about my partners & their kinks.

I didn't wanna forget or mix up anyone's safe word or limits

or forget the diapers one of my partners wanted to try next

or forget what makes them squirm.

I even put current pronouns on the sheet.

Just because I don't whip it out all the time doesn't mean it's not worth doing

34) feeling tired or uninspired? force your sub to drive the scene with questions - all you have to do is ask.

I know this is the 3rd or 4th time I've brought up asking questions

I hope that stresses to you how important some type of communication is in a D/s bond.

Sometimes you're tired. Maybe you aren't feeling aggressive.

Sometimes you can engage with your submissive's kinks without actively trying them up by:

•asking them about fantasies, history, or hypothetical situations

•giving them tasks to perform for you, like service

35) In the meta of your relationship, establish an environment where you can be wrong sometimes

It's hard to accept when we fuck up, especially if we're supposed to be the boss.

You'll never be aware of that if you don't sincerely listen to your sub & hold yourself accountable.

We can all make excuses for our behaviors.

But remember intent v. impact.

Regardless of our excuses, we have to be willing to admit fault when we screw up or hurt someone.

Create a safer environment for your sub to bring up transgressions etc. by:

•being VERY clear that in meta discussions of behavior, you are equal partners

•scheduling regular meta check-ins

•doing yr best to check in on yr sub's well-being on top of that based on behavior.

36) Evaluate yourself.

•What's an honest look at your skills?

•What are you good at?
•What needs improvement?

•What do you WANT, enthusiastically, to improve next (sometimes it isn't what needs it )

•What does your sub think of your dynamic and behavior?

•What does your sub think you need to improve?

•What do they say you do well?

•What expectations does your sub have of you

• What expectations do you have of them?

•Are these expectations fulfilling & realistic?

•What is my weakest skill I use as a dom? What's the strongest?

•Am I kinking in a way that's positive or negative for my overall mental health? What about my sub's mental health?

•Who are 5 kink educators I want to learn from in the next 5 months?

I know a ton of brilliant educators I'd suggest

but I can't tag everyone bc memory and spoons.

Feel free to drop info about your kink education offerings in reply to THIS SPECIFIC TWEET.

My recs:

@Mollena
@DirtyLola

@BlkPomegranate
@Makeupandsin

@blaksyn
@thewenchworks

@A_MxPromiscuous
@feistyfoxfilms

@Jimanekia is a trauma educator, which I feel is deeply relevant for the kink community.

I think all dominants need to be trauma-informed.

37) Know how your mental health and kink interact.

Once you know you'll begin spotting common themes

like lots of littles w BPD.

Our trauma tends to damage the inner child,

and mine is 100% linked to my littleness

My mental health coping & CG domming improved when I realized

Littles need safety

Traumatized people with BPD need safety

Knowing the link made it easier for me to be a better Daddy

And if your little has trauma around their real life guardians

you probably wanna pay attention to that

so you don't inadvertently trigger it

because my CG is one of my favorite people (FPs)

so I'm ultra sensitive to rejection and abandonment from her.