So I saw a thread about consent and kids just now and I figured now is as good a time as any to talk about one of the ways we taught my daughter about consent and body ownership:

Pink Elephants.

1/

When Cat was little, she loved to tickle, and she loved to say no no no and then once we stopped tickling her, she'd lunge in to start again.

That made it hard to tell when she really wanted to stop, and while we talked about only saying "no" when you really MEAN no...
2/

We also established a family phrase that meant, very clearly, no joking, playtime is over, stop touching me now.

We enforced it could be used for any touch! Hugs, hair ruffling, tickling, anything. When Cat said "pink elephants," that was "I'm done being touched right now."

3/

And! This was the rule for parents too: if we said "pink elephants," that meant we got to not be touched, too. Everyone has a right to not be touched.

We talked a lot about this, and how people's feelings about being touched can change, but you always have a right to not.

4/

And when I knew the lesson had gotten through was at a check up when the doctor was touching her belly and she said "pink elephants! That's too ticklish, I don't like it!"

Once I explained, the doctor laughed, and said "oh wow, did you give your kid a safe word?"

Yes! I did!
5/

(He was delighted. He thought it was great.)

And so we talked through the necessity of the exam, and the doc asked her permission, and gained it.

But she was 8, and had enforced her boundaries around touch with a man in authority. I was proud.
6/

To be clear: we always respected her "no," but it helped her (and us!) to have a simple way to say "stop touching me/playtime is over/etc" which required no explanation and we all understood and which stood out in the giggling and loud noise of playing with a child.
7/

And now that she's an adult, she has lots of practice in establishing and holding her boundaries with docs and other adults in authority. She knows, has always known, that her body is hers.

Pink elephants, y'all. She even picked the phrase.

8/8

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