I am at real risk of becoming some sort of religious contemplative person if this solitaryness keeps up
Basically I had this series of thoughts today

1. When I love some dude, I show up 150%, my love is like worship, I want to serve you and advance your life, by whatever metrics that means to you

2. When I presented this offer to Morbo, he told me to lose 1/3 of my body weight
3. According to all the books on Judaism I& #39;ve been listening to lately, G-d doesn& #39;t ask for perfection, G-d asks you to show up. G-d wants me to make the world a better place starting right now, whoever I am right now, whatever my flaws may be
4. So if me right now, doing my best, loving fiercely, wanting to serve and help is good enough for freaking G-D

Why isn& #39;t me right now good enough for Morbo or Anakin or a dozen other exes I could name

Maybe it& #39;s because they suck
I& #39;ve never had this combination of thoughts before. When I tell you it shook me. I sat in silence just turning this thought over, testing the pointy spots to see if I would get cut
There& #39;s a feeling that& #39;s the opposite of pain, it& #39;s not healing, it& #39;s more like. It& #39;s as fast and violent as someone hitting me with a brick, but the brick somehow makes me instantly good at playing chess. I don& #39;t know. I& #39;m really struggling to describe this
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