I am at real risk of becoming some sort of religious contemplative person if this solitaryness keeps up

Basically I had this series of thoughts today

1. When I love some dude, I show up 150%, my love is like worship, I want to serve you and advance your life, by whatever metrics that means to you

2. When I presented this offer to Morbo, he told me to lose 1/3 of my body weight

3. According to all the books on Judaism I've been listening to lately, G-d doesn't ask for perfection, G-d asks you to show up. G-d wants me to make the world a better place starting right now, whoever I am right now, whatever my flaws may be

4. So if me right now, doing my best, loving fiercely, wanting to serve and help is good enough for freaking G-D

Why isn't me right now good enough for Morbo or Anakin or a dozen other exes I could name

Maybe it's because they suck

I've never had this combination of thoughts before. When I tell you it shook me. I sat in silence just turning this thought over, testing the pointy spots to see if I would get cut

There's a feeling that's the opposite of pain, it's not healing, it's more like. It's as fast and violent as someone hitting me with a brick, but the brick somehow makes me instantly good at playing chess. I don't know. I'm really struggling to describe this