I have a complex communication disability (my communication difficulties are caused by multiple disabilities, not just one - that makes other people knowing how to help VERY difficult because they can't usually tell from outside which is causing my inability to speak this time)

If people assume the wrong reason, the way they interact with me can make things much worse and harder.

I do not and will not claim to be fully nonspeaking or nonverbal.

I do use both of those terms to describe my experiences - usually with a qualifier (more on that to follow)

I recognize that many nonspeaking autistic people do not like using the term nonverbal for themselves, and that's fine and I'll always respect it!

I do use it because sometimes it reflects my experience. When I'm overloaded, it's not always just that I can't speak.

When I'm overloaded...

- my brain has trouble understanding what the words you say mean. I'll process slowly and sometimes you may have to repeat yourself for me to understand

- my brain has trouble making words and translating my feelings into words putting them in order

That's just one of the reasons I may be unable to speak! But for me, that feels nonverbal. That feels like the right term, because I'm not just struggling to speak. I'm struggling to process and use verbal language.

(when then happens writing can be helpful b/c I can re-read)

Other reasons I can't speak? I would consider these ones to be "nonspeaking" because I can understand & forms words fine, my mouth & brain just won't let me say them.

One is that I have a severe social anxiety disorder called Selective Mutism.

That means sometimes when I get anxious, my voice stops working. My words feel like rocks deep in my stomach that I can't force out no matter how hard I try.

This one is less about specific topics and more about where I am, who I'm with, and my anxiety levels.

Having a comfort person around is VERY helpful for this, because even when I can't speak out loud because of my Selective Mutism, sometimes I'm able to type to my comfort person to let them know what I need.

I find any social situation without a comfort person very stressful.

The other is that I have severe OCD. I know a lot of people think this is just about cleaning & order... but at it's heart OCD is about doubt. Doubting your thoughts, doubting your feelings, doubting your memories... my OCD impacts a LOT of things in my life.

One of the things OCD impacts is my ability to speak. How?

At any moment, my OCD can decide that something I want to say is "bad" or "wrong" or that I'd be "burdening people" or that even having needs at all makes me "evil"

When this happens, my brain will not let me say it.

This can be simple things.

@NeuroCoolWheels is a very close friend of mine & last time I was at his apartment it still took me about four hours to finally fight my OCD enough to ask him if I can have a glass of water.

Imagine doing that as a child every time you need something.

Anyway.

terms I usually use to describe my experiences:

- Complex communication disability

- Nonreliable speech

- Situationally nonverbal/nonspeaking

- Functionally nonverbal/nonspeaking (when referring to my childhood primarily - because I couldn't speak outside my house)

I know a lot of autistic people who are nonspeaking tend to prefer that term.

I actually prefer nonverbal myself, both for the reason described above (it's not always just "not speaking")

But also when I say "nonspeaking" people are more likely to assume that's a choice.

Nonverbal sounds more medical I guess

But it's very important to me that my communication disability gets taken seriously. A LOT of people do not because they've heard me speak fine before so they assume I always can & that it will always be effective.

Another note- even when I am speaking I can't always rely on my voice to say the thing I want to say.

My OCD makes me compulsively do what I call my "slight of hand trick" - distracting people with other conversation so they don't talk about the thing OCD says I can't talk about

Um also if it wasn't clear the overload I get that causes my type of nonverbal episodes that I discussed first are because of autism.

And sometimes they take recovery. Even after I'm no longer actively overloaded, it may take a while before I have the energy to speak again.