A thing I am thinking about today is how when abusers get therapy that isn't specifically centered around the fact that they are abusive and need to change their behavior (which usually requires a therapist who specializes in this), it often just makes them more adept abusers.

Therapy is generally focused on helping the patient achieve their own goals. If a therapist helps someone develop strategies for navigating interpersonal conflict but doesn't clock that the nature of the conflict is their patient abusing people, they will become an abuse coach.

And this isn't some weird problem with unscrupulous therapists--as @feministkilljoi notes here, it can be difficult to tell what's really going on when you're only getting one side of the story. https://twitter.com/feministkilljoi/status/1329833046435106820

Abusers often present themselves as victims of abuse. They'll also often present resistance to their abuse as a communication problem: their victim isn't "listening" (doing what they want) so how do they communicate their needs better (get their victim to comply?)

This is one of the many reasons I roll my eyes when an abuser says they're getting therapy as part of their apology.

If you punched a wall you'd need your hand looked at too but you wouldn't apologize by saying "sorry I scared you but don't worry I'm getting a wrist brace."

I'm gonna segue into another mental health thing as an example, which is ADHD management. ADHD can cause a lot of anxiety. And some ADHD people develop really strong organizational skills to avoid the anxiety we associate with being disorganized.

My first ADHD coach was really hung up on how good my organizational skills were--clearly I was winning at ADHD! I was so good at staying organized!

But staying organized is about controlling my surroundings and environment to avoid anxiety. The anxiety? Still there.

When we exert reasonable control over our lives to avoid triggering mental health issues, that's usually good and healthy, but not a complete solution.

But what abusers do can look a lot like "coping skills," except for the part where they want to control other people.

We've talked before about DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), and how abusers use it to paint themselves as the victim. It hurts when their partner won't do what they want, ergo their partner is hurting them, how do they make their partner stop?

Case in point: https://twitter.com/CAwkward/status/1329838950849122305

Someone takes the DARVO Dance to a therapist who doesn't know what's up, and they're likely to get an advanced course in controlling others, under the guise of learning to "ask for what they need" or "enforce their boundaries" or "express their feelings."

A funny (not haha) thing about this thread is that when I started it I thought "I better watch out because like three people I know are going to think I am subtweeting them specifically and not writing about a larger societal pattern I was reminded of by reading an advice column"

But then the thread blew up with a bunch of people replying that they've seen the same damn thing so if you think I am talking about you in particular, first just FYI that there's a 50% chance I don't even remember you and second, turns out you're not even special, don't @ me.