been thinking today abt my relationship with my transmasculinity and my attraction to men (thread might be tmi)

dating men always felt like it had some impossible chasm that i had to cross because of how much bullshit came packaged with it and i felt like i was never gonna reconcile my desire to be with men vs the reality of being in a relationship with one

i had multiple relationships with men that were several years long each. i almost married a man in my late 20s who i met while we were both in grad school. (i also dated women! but this thread isnt about that)

the guy i almost married dumped me when i was 30, about 4-6 weeks after i came out to him as nonbinary. i had been nb for like a year or two already, i was just nervous about telling him about it.

long long long before i ever figured out i was trans, i had this weird, obsessive habit of asking the men i was dating if they would still love me if i had a dick. or would they still love me if i was born with a dick but didnt have one anymore.

this was always an exercise in masochism because the answers were never satisfying and i couldnt really figure out why i was asking anyway or why the answer even mattered to me. (i thought i was a cis woman until my late 20s)

after that guy, the one i almost married, dumped me for being too trans and too mentally ill for him, i started to piece together that the problem was that i was trying to date straight men. i stopped dating straight men after that, but i still dated bisexual men.