I don’t know if it’s the anniversary of my grandmother’s death or my mom’s birthday or just feeling so hopeless about all of the everything, but man, no matter how I try to talk myself out of it, I feel heavy tonight. I know things will get better but right now I don’t see it.

I want to believe in a future

Just feelin like a sad pathetic loser who tweets sad pathetic things and doesn’t even get to reap the rewards of being a normie mommy tweeter, whatever those might be. Just a semblance of feeling normal or ok or good or whatever for five minutes would be nice!

I promise I will be back on my bullshit, whatever that is, tomorrow. I just feel like loser asshole central tonight

It is hard not to feel nihilistic on nights like this because truly, what is the point for a piece of shit like me? You must all be so tired of hearing about this crap, it’s very boring (like me!). But I have to keep going

God it feels unrelievable. There is no way out. I’m sorry, I’m fine, I’ll be appropriately humiliated in 6 hours, I will, I will, I will

Gosh I hate myself so much

It’s 2:30 am and I can’t sleep and like what IS the point! What is the point. If you can’t even be a person you want to be and you can’t get any meaningful rest so what is the point.

I know a lot of you will say “your son!” Which is true, he is a point. But you can’t simultaneously make cracks about mommy bloggers and then tell women that their children are The Point that is supposed to get them through their darkest nights bit hypocritical no?

Either mother’s writing and mother’s pain matters or else it’s a fancified thing we call Mommy Blogs that we can make fun of but you can’t really have it both ways, can you?

I’m gonna leave it here, I guess: it’s dark and I’m many sleepless hours until dawn. I do not like myself or see a future for myself. If I could evaporate cleanly, so much the better! Until then,
I cook, do dishes, aid homework, cry in between because I know I’m a failure

Alright I will do better tomorrow. I will cook, I will clean, I will be cheerful, I will be a good advocate for my kid, I will.

Sometimes it feels like such a fine line between wanting for your kid the things you never had and living vicariously through your kid. I want him to be happy, I want him to be safe, I want him to be the option for post secondary education if he wants it. I want him to be happy.

I think I need a break? Not that I am deserving of one or that they are easy to come by these days.

Another part of me says that we all need breaks and I am just weak for admitting it

God, what point do I serve? I am not a good writer. I keep my DMs open for people who are having mental health crises or whatever. I try to do my own small service there where I can, though someone had to make a snarky little remark about it last week

Ok going to stop now because this is just cah-ringe. Looking forward to my next life, where I am reborn as an emotionally continent human being