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I have been working on forgiveness and reconciliation with my therapist for the last year, and I wanna share what I've learned.
Your mileage may vary, but these definitions and distinctions really help me, especially as a former-Mormon with a lot of extra Stuff around these. 1/
Your mileage may vary, but these definitions and distinctions really help me, especially as a former-Mormon with a lot of extra Stuff around these. 1/
Basically, forgiveness is something for yourself, by yourself. Reconciliation requires the other person to be willing to meet you in the work.
Forgiveness is NOT:
- minimizing your experience
- condoning the action
- wiping the slate clean for your aggressor
- forgetting
2/
Forgiveness is NOT:
- minimizing your experience
- condoning the action
- wiping the slate clean for your aggressor
- forgetting
2/
Forgiveness is processing & letting go of non-functional anger - the kind that paralyzes & eats away at you, that brings despair
It's an acceptance of the things we can't control (usually other people's decisions)
It is PERSONAL, and only requires you. Not even an apology.
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It's an acceptance of the things we can't control (usually other people's decisions)
It is PERSONAL, and only requires you. Not even an apology.
3/
Forgiveness does not touch functional anger, the kind that motivates you to do the work, to protect, to heal.
Forgiveness is about learning - making sure, in the ways you can control, that you are in a place to not be hurt again.
It is for your own healing.
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Forgiveness is about learning - making sure, in the ways you can control, that you are in a place to not be hurt again.
It is for your own healing.
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Reconciliation, on the other hand, requires both the one harmed and the one who did the harm to be willing to come together. And tbh, the one who caused harm has got most of the work
Reconciliation needs:
- recognition and remorse
- changed behavior
- restitution for damages
5/
Reconciliation needs:
- recognition and remorse
- changed behavior
- restitution for damages
5/
I really love @TheRaDR's threads on doing a deep accounting of the soul. To me, reconciliation is repentance.
https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/1292803786990379008
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https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/1292803786990379008
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So, all these political calls for forgiveness - what I think they want is reconciliation. Which, sure. You can forgive and not have a relationship with them, but continued relationships need reconciliation. And that requires work on the part of the party that did harm.
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Frankly, I don't have a lot of hope or evidence that Republicans are willing to do the work of reconciliation.
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An addendum: I am definitely not saying that YOU should forgive. That is your own personal work.
Again from @TheRaDR: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/1325295813652865025?s=20
Again from @TheRaDR: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/1325295813652865025?s=20
