Pardon Trump if he can tell how much one banana costs, within 50 cents, at the grocery store closest to any of his residence. He gets one try.

Pardon Trump if he can, after having one afternoon (four hours) in a room with a non-internet enabled computer, produce the plan for protecting pre-existing conditions that he has variously claimed to have, to be about to have, or to be able to easily come up with, "very soon".

Pardon Trump if he can produce a bullet point list that includes three of the grievances of the rebels in the American Revolutionary War, as defined in the Declaration of Independence. Reasonable paraphrase allowed, as determined by a panel of public high school history teachers.

Obviously I'm opposed to pardoning Trump and I don't actually want him to get a chance to evade justice even by running a game show gauntlet designed to humiliate him.

I'm just... I'm sick of the obvious lies we're supposed to go along with, about his character.

That he's some everyman, some champion of the Working Class. That he's a patriot, that he's a genius. That he's a master planner.

But seriously, imagine if we did something like this and everybody agreed it was Full Pardons All Around if he agreed to take a pop quiz on random grocery item prices. No hooks. No catches.

Imagine his team desperately trying to get him to study for that.

"Sir, we're going to prison -- we're all going to prison and you will die broke and in jail -- unless you can focus. These are Pop Tarts. You like Pop Tarts. How much for a box of eight of them?"

"It's really four, because they're in these little sleeves, though."

"Sir, I need you to focus. The price of this box of Pop Tarts is..."

"It's criminal, is what it is. They say the serving size is 1 pastry but they put them in little packets of 2. Whatever the price is, they should charge half as much. They're liars. Fake news."

"Sir, I agree, it's terribly unfair that you don't get twice as many Pop Tarts, but I need you to focus..."

"They're charging us for eight servings but they only give you four servings. Make a note, we'll have Bill Barr look into that next term."

"Sir, Bill didn't make it."

"What? When did he die?"

"A week after the election."

"Nonsense. The virus was just to hurt me. A week after the election it was gone."

"Sir, it was real. It wasn't a hoax."

"I NEVER SAID IT WAS A HOAX."

"Sir, never mind... any of that. Tomorrow if they pull out a box of Pop Tarts and ask you how much they cost, you will say what?"

"I will say the cost of a box of Pop Tarts, which is a very unfair number, but a number I know. I will say it very strongly."

"But what is it?"

"I just said what it is."

"Will you say it again?"

"Sure. Absolutely."

"When?"

"I just said it. I have said the price of Pop Tarts very strongly, many times, and I will say it again every time I'm asked."