My own backstory is such that I have every reason to be critical and point fingers in many directions. I can blame government, corporations, and others people’s selfishness. For a long time I did. And it did nothing, I can assure you. It made me worse. The world is indifferent.

I changed my life. I didn’t stop holding people accountable, but I lost most of the anger and resentment. I internalized it. You never really lose it. You just realize how ugly it looks and you conceal it better. Nobody wants to see your anger. The world trains you to calm down.

Almost two days ago we got hit by a drunk driver. My daughter and I are in pain. I’m crying unexpectedly. I can’t process this yet. I know my daughter is hurt. She is the one who gets tension migraines regularly. I’m very worried for her. So I am I angry today? I’m trying.

I won’t let myself go back to anger. I’m mad about impaired driving. But I can’t get mad at the driver. I pity him. He is sick and needs help. I want to get mad. I know why I’m not able to: I won’t let myself. I want to be angry, but that doesn’t realign your spine. Not usually.

The emotions just play with me. This event has triggered a lot of stuff I never wanted to think about again. Sometimes it feels like the cruel universe just knows where you live. I’ve moved a few times, but it’s persistent. I just won’t answer the door because I know who it is.

I’m trying to disassociate myself from what happened because that’s how I process trauma. It works but it’s flawed. Part of you has to die to make room for storage. I can’t presume my daughter wants to do the same. I don’t want her to. It’s unhealthy. So we need to talk about it.

But I don’t want to talk. Because I don’t talk. Taking means exploring things that hurt. I don’t like exploring things that hurt. I do it constantly. My dissociation thing doesn’t even work all that well for me. It’s why I don’t advertise it as a paid service.

I joke a lot. Humour is a way to displace my emotions and express them safely. Readers Digest told me that laughter is the best medicine. I’m trying to keep it light around the house. Everyone is very somber. I’m trying to forget an accident that my family is busy reconstructing.

This thread has gotten away from me. That happens, dear reader. You’ve seen it. It’s just been a long goddamn year and I’d be happy to sleep forever but I have responsibilities that I’m struggling to fulfill and the list of things I need to do just keeps growing.

My family got tremendously lucky the other night. That’s part of what scares me, too. If my brake lines weren’t sheared in the accident, I wouldn’t have been pushed 20 feet of impact-absorbing distance. We’d be in hospital. I haven’t processed that detail fully. It’s lurking.

To top it all off, I obviously know I’m not the first guy to get in a car accident, so I don’t really want to talk too much about it because it seems whiny. I don’t often whine, that’s off-brand for me. I try to be constructive. That’s what solves problems. I’m really trying.