There's a lot of discourse about forgiveness on Twitter today.

As a therapist who used to be a Christian, I wanted to chime in.

Forgiveness means different things to different people. Growing up Christian, it was obviously a central practice of the faith. 1/

The Lord's Prayer includes the sentence "Forgives us our sins* as we forgive those who sin* against us."

(*lots of different words used here, like "trespasses," "debts," etc.) 2/

Some very serious Christians, like the Amish, take that sentence to be profoundly conditional: that God will not forgive us if we don't forgive others. 3/

In some Amish communities, many of which celebrate the rite of Communion only once a year, they will not do so as long as even one member has a beef with one other member of the community. They wait until they have forgiven one another. 4/

When the mass murder occurred in the Amish community of Nickel Mines, PA in 2006, the world was shocked to see the grieving, bereaved Amish forgiving the murderer (who had killed himself)—they visited with and consoled the man's widow. 5/

They were the largest constituency at the killer's funeral.

Some were overwhelmed by the love and courage, and others harshly criticized the Amish for their quick forgiveness of an "unforgivable" act, saying that the act was disrespectful to those murdered. 6/

This is not unlike the conversation happening now about forgiving Trump's supporters and showing them a kindness they absolutely failed to show the world. (And they continue to transform their fears and grievances into hate and violence and will probably continue doing so.) 7/

Not everyone shares the Amish commitment to forgiveness. Not everyone shares their faith, or has their community to support them on what is actually a long process of forgiving. And some have histories in which forgiveness was always unilateral. Always expected, never given. 8/

Plus, the theory of forgiveness is confusing. What is forgiveness, what does it involve, why would I do it (if I don't believe I'm commanded by my god), and what does it accomplish? 9/

Personally, I start with the stupid phrase, "forgive and forget." Even if we are able to forgive, that should never imply that we will forget. That's equally true if, by "forget," we mean that we will literally not remember the offense... 10/

...or if we mean or that we will erase the crime from the offender's ledger.

In my mind, forgiveness, forgetting, and absolution are very different. Others, I think, see them as the same, or at least as facets of one action. 11/

So, I'll say again, for me, forgiveness does not involve or require forgetting, and it does not require me to absolve offenders of their crimes.

Even with their radical practice of forgiveness, the Amish in Nickel Mines said that if the killer had lived,... 12/

...they would have wanted the State to hold him responsible for his crimes, and for him to be removed from the community so that they would be freed of the fear that he would cause more harm. That's not absolution. 13/

Now that I'm working as a therapist, and now that I'm not a theist, my concept of forgiveness is less bound to theological narratives and obligations. Now I see client after client whose insides are raw and bloodied by the churning blades of resentment. 14/

Resentment, hate, the desire for vengeance. These, in my view now, are the contraries of forgiveness. 15/

In some 12-step circles, there is a saying: "Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

So, if resentment is the poison, perhaps forgiveness is the antidote. 16/

So, for me, forgiveness is for the forgiver. It's a process—maybe a very long and arduous one—of relinquishing hate, rage, and the desire for revenge, all of which tend to work as injuries in our psyches, making it difficult to love and care for ourselves and others and... 17/

...making it more difficult to experience joy and beauty and acceptance and to know peace in ourselves and our dearest relationships. 18/

So, when I endeavor to forgive, or work with a client who is trying to forgive, it is because forgiveness frees *me* (or my client), not because I frees the one I am forgiving. 19/

In my opinion, I don't think that the original offender has much to do with forgiveness. The Amish worked to forgive a dead man, who neither asked for forgiveness, nor was he in a position to benefit from it (barring some mercy in an afterlife, if that's your twist). 20/

So, I don't care if the offender is dead, or very much alive and continuing to offend, or no longer offending but totally uninterested in my forgiveness, or actually begging me for forgiveness. If I decide I need to forgive, that's my choice, and it's about my life. 21/

Weirdly, I think of the meeting of the Five Families in The Godfather, where, to end a bloody mob war, Vito Corleone says, "I forgo the of my son," but he adds, that if something bad happens to his youngest son, "that I do not forgive." 22/

Corleone's speech associates forgiveness with forgoing vengeance. In other words, he acknowledges to himself and his opponents, that he has a right to avenge his son's death, but he chooses not to exercise that right. The offense is not absolved; he chooses not to pursue it. 23/

And, significantly, he does this to interrupt a downward spiral of violence, death, grief, fear, rage, and suffering. That, in a more individual, relational, and emotional sphere, is my idea of the power of forgiveness: it breaks a circular pattern of destruction and pain. 24/

Of course, that's a gangster movie. And the characters have ulterior motives and plots within plots. At best, real forgiveness is not about gaining some respite while one catches one's breath and plots out a cataclysm of revenge. 25/

At any rate, I believe forgiveness is something I need to do when I realize that the hate and anger I feel toward someone who has committed crimes (against me or others) has gone septic inside me and threatens to destroy me or at least take me out of the struggle for justice. 26/

All that said, I understand that, perhaps in a different framework, there is value in rage, in vengeance or retributive justice, and maybe even in hate. I don't know, myself. But I don't judge those who have concluded that forgiveness is a tool of white supremacy... 27/

...or some other structure of oppression, always demanded of the oppressed and never enacted by the oppressor. 28/

To the extent that forgiveness appears to be a choice NOT to wield power, it has to be seen S problematic (at best) in any relationship (micro or macro) in which power is wielded abusively. 29/

I'm still struggling with that. Despite my words in this thread, I'm not at all sure that forgiveness is always the right thing to do, and I certainly don't demand that others forgive. 30/

I'm only saying that in my own life, and in the lives of people I know personally and work with professionally, forgiveness is a necessary(?) process of healing. 31/

Right now, though, I can't forgive Trump, his abetters in government, or his supporters in my country. I recognize that, even if I conclude that refusing to forgive is what I eventually decide is the right thing to do, it will have consequences... 32/

...for my emotional and physical health. I will suffer, as I already have these last 4+ years. And it is killing me, I think. But I may come to see that the rage and hate I harbor has a purpose that serves some higher good—if not for me personally, then for others. 33/

This thread ends in uncertainty because that's all I have. But I just wanted to throw this out here, knowing it's likely to spin down the Twitter toilet hole, but hoping it gives even one person some other questions to ponder about forgiveness. Peace.