why am i not happier or more hopeful? have i just been beaten down for so long? i wish i felt better. i wish i could be joyously out in the streets. i wish i could sleep soundly knowing good things are underway to make real improvements. i guess i'm scared of nostalgic liberals.

wait i've already coined a term for this feeling because it happens literally every time something even marginally good happens: success depression. the knowledge that no matter how great the success, it is not enough to offset the pain and struggle that preceded it. nice.

oh, right. the first few weeks after defending my PhD, i felt ill constantly, and got fairly depressed. i guess i need to brace for a few days to weeks of miserable and overwhelming anxiety. emotional rebound tenderness. this is normal. it just means i'm having palpitations rn.