I'm going to delete this tweet in a couple hours so my Dad doesn't see it.

I am so lost. I feel so inadequate as a son.

My Dad is slowly dying upstairs. He could have many months. Maybe even a year. Or it could be weeks.

Yet I'm a deer in headlights with him.

I want to tell him how much I love him. How much I can't bear to lose him.

I don't think he knows how much I love him. I just can't spit the words out. I start crying when I look at his eyes.
My mother is a wreck.

She's trying hard to look okay but I know she's reeling.

And I can't seem to provide comfort to her either.

I'm totally useless.
I know what I have to say.

I know what I have to do for both of them to be better support.

Yet I keep freezing. And retreat. I'm too afraid bc each time I even try to broach talking about our situation...managing the process of death...acknowledging...I choke and I can't speak
The one positive thing I'm hopeful will make a big difference for all of us is my Uncle Mike - his brother (Dad wanted to honour him by naming me after him, that's how close they are)...

Is joining our bubble.

So it won't be just the 3 of us locked inside suffering this alone.
That's been hard.

Bc of pandemic we're locked in. We can't socialize. We can't really go anywhere. We can't access any support AT ALL from family and friends that you'd normally expect during something like this.

My Dad can't see anyone. We can't even cry on a friend's shoulder
That's been tremendously lonely for my mother and I.

But Dad seems to want aloneness. Uncle Mike is the only person he is allowing. They're talking regularly. If you see this Uncle Mike, you're a Saint.

That aloneness is hard tho. I literally cry into a pillow almost every day.
My brother hasn't even spoken to me since the spring.

That's how alone we are with this situation. He's gonzo. He didn't respond my last email in May.


I'm not sure he comprehends what's happening. I tried to tell him but I didn't get a sense he absorbed it.
I worry my mother told him a deceptive version that leaves out impt bits.

Which she does.

I'm the only one she can't fool bc I know how these things work. When she tried it on me, I pushed back on inconsistencies and she had to acknowledge the truth.

Doubt my brother did that
But I've decided he's not my problem. I've got too much on my plate. I did my best to inform him. That's a check off my to-do list of duties. The rest is up to him, and I guess Dad.

Bc I need to manage all the things I told you about above.

I'll delete this in an hour.
I just had to get that off my chest.

Feel free to DM (this thread with self-destruct at 7am) if you have any words of wisdom or advice. Bc this is all new to me.

You can follow @Mikeggibbs.
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