TW // ableism
(this will be a thread)

Sometimes I forget how understanding and accepting internet spaces are regarding mental health and illnesses, BC sometimes u hear shit irl that cartwheels and bitch slaps u in the face

My sad was talking about how a friend of his who came to help butcher has PTSD, straight up asked me condescendingly if I knew what PTSD was (sir I took psychology ofc I know what it is??) And I made an offhand comment of "oh some of my internet friends have that"

Which was a MISTAKE because this almost 40 year old man raises his voice at me "No, I mean fucking REAL PTSD" and I just sat there blinking?? BC his friend was in the army and apparently u can only have PTSD in the army

So he finished his story and then asked "what did your friend do to get ptsd then?" (Weird victim blame-y choice of words there, making it sound like it was a choice and all)
So I think, let's just pick a random story BC I'm not sharing my friends shit w u sir

So I said "Well from their parents, because they literally got BEAT" (minor shade @ my mom NGL) and my dad says "oh well that's different" in the tone of "ok I guess u can get ptsd from that you got me there" like sir are we really gonna tell people with actual diagnoses

That they don't have it???? Mother fucker you have never taken a psychology COURSE in your life, much less are qualified to tell people what mental illnesses they do and don't have.

The same dad of mine who told me I don't have depression and just bad anxiety and to just "manage it" when I finally managed to talk to him about it and only took me somewhat seriously (while still being in denial about my depression) when I mentioned tryin 2 aliven't myself

My dad literally has the knowledge people did back in the 90s/early 2000s about mental illnesses and has never taken it upon himself to learn more which I find?? Wild BC psychology is an ever changing field and they're constantly finding new things???????

I was born when my dad was 20, going on 21and I am literally turning 20 in April. I'm in the same age range he was and??????¿ Sir I'm so confused why are you like this.

The reason ptsd is no longer referred to as "shell shock" is BECAUSE it was consistently found in people who didn't go to war or were in the military. I wish I could just sit down with him and educate his ass but I don't have the patience.

Especially how he's someone who's incredibly stuck in their ways and stubborn. This man argued with me that modern Rock wasn't rock and refused to accept that rock is an umbrella genre and there are more specific sub rock genres that modern Rock fits into to.

He also refused to accept that genres are ever changing. Like??? Actually???? You think like that??? You think there are rules to music??? That there are guidelines to follow????

I'm someone who can't argue on the spot because I like writing educated essays. Give me a day and I'll write a fucking essay about whatever subject you give me, whatever you want to argue about and it will be thoroughly sourced to prove you wrong.

And I kinda blame that in the school system for doing that but that's another thread for another time.

I'm under my step moms insurance now, which is super ironic because on Monday I'll be going to the crisis centre and hopefully get a diagnosis with something but I'm so scared about it. I can actually get medication for my dumb brain and I'm terrified about it.

Cuz my dad will eventually find out and tell me j don't have whatever they diagnose me for. (,Also crisis centres can be iffy and I'm not sure if my hallucinations are bad enough to go to one since they're spontaneous and usually only last for a couple of seconds)

Trauma is still trauma no matter how bad it is, or how little it is in comparison to other people, and I gotta remember that because even if I don't have horrible, horrible hallucinations, I still deserve to get help.

Even if it's only for a few brief seconds it really fucks me up!! the blood I saw on my hands on Friday almost sent me into a panic attack, even if it was only for a moment I saw it.

This thread is turning into venting my bad but uh

If I ever told my dad about any of my mental illnesses, he wouldn't take me seriously and I genuinely don't want to ever being up my hallucinations with him because of his ableist ass. I bet he'd say some shit like "you're not traumatized enough to have hallucinations"

He doesn't have any idea how mental illnesses work and it's genuinely painful