The sun is going down, the chores are done, I have some time before I give the dogs their dinner. I have wine and snacks. LET'S WATCH SOME DOOMSDAY PREPPERS.

We're in the mountains of east Tennessee with Doug, who is afraid of ~economic collapse~. What's Doug doing to prepare?? Gosh I can't wait to find out.

Well, one thing Doug is doing is every week he trades around $1000 in paper money for fifty cent pieces and then he goes through all 2000 coins looking for ones that are made of silver that the govt didn't pull out of circulation.

Sure, Doug, why not. Your worst nightmares have come true and there's rioting and looting and paper money is worthless, people will definitely still want decorative money. Absolutely.

DO YOU HAVE ANY LIVESTOCK, DOUG?

Horses. He has 2 horses? OK maybe they just haven't shown the garden and livestock.

Doug points to the 12 silver coins he found out of 2000 and says it gives him chills because they will buy food and clothes.

I AM NOT SELLING YOU FOOD OR CLOTHES FOR USELESS METAL, DOUG.

...Doug is building a bunker. Of course Doug is building a bunker. Why not! You dig yourself that bunker for you and your wife and kid and those silver coins, Doug.

The bunker will only have enough water for each person to have 2 gallons per day to drink, clean themselves, and cook/wash dishes with.

It's a shipping container by the way. Doug has not yet mentioned ventilation.

He's spending in excess of $60,000 to bury this goddamned 8 foot X 40 foot shipping container and then encase it in concrete. Give me his money. I will distribute it to people who deserve it more.

Also like all the other prepper weirdos he's burying caches of food and weapons around his property. These people are all reincarnated squirrels or some shit.

WE STILL HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT HIS LONG TERM FOOD AND WATER PLANS

Doug has no food plans but we're about to hear about his "security preps" which is how the show refers to "the ways in which this person plans to murder other people"

Oh wait! Fake out! Instead they are explaining to us that Doug has enough food stored to feed "two families" for six months. So... Like all the other weirdos, he's planning to live on freeze dried food EVEN THOUGH HE HAS ACREAGE AND IS GOING TO STAY PUT.

Holy shit, Doug knows someone who isn't white! He and his family will share the bunker with the family of his Latino foreman!

Oh here we go, how will Doug creatively murder people? Well, first he claims he's created a rock slide he can use to block the highway leading to his house just by pulling a few key rocks.

Does TNDOT know this dude has created a potential rock slide because I feel like they take a dim view of this shit.

Doug and his friend Inès roll a test rock down the rock slide and it becomes apparent that when Doug said "block the highway" he meant "block my driveway" so TNDOT is probably fine with it.

There is now a 500 pound Boulder in the middle of Doug's driveway.

Also he's going to build a pillbox out of boulders at each corner of the shipping container so they have covered firing positions.

Also he's going to build a rock wall across his driveway.

Did I mention he owns a stone quarry? He does. So he's all about the goddamned rocks

Doug and Inés get extra points because they envision meeting people at the gate and if they ask for help, helping them. This makes them better people than pretty much everyone except the ones getting their instructions from a ghost named Greta.

The prepping experts gave him 12 months survival time. "I will have that increased," declares Doug.

Now it's time for... I think it's Jeff.

Jeff is afraid of ~economic collapse~ so this motherfucker bought a decommissioned ICBM silo in Kansas to make into a fucking bunker.

Also he's single. Wonder why.

Like Doug, he thinks the national debt is the same thing as personal debt. And that somehow the nation will be unable to buy food, water, and electricity if it isn't taken care of.

WHERE DO YOU EVEN START WITH THIS SHIT. NOT AN ICBM SILO.

Not wasting any time, Jeff is just leaping straight to murder. He and his two buddies Dale and Gordon are making a flamethrower to booby trap a hallway.

HE'S TRYING TO TAKE WOMEN TO AN ABANDONED ICBM SILO IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE ON A FIRST DATE AND THINKS HIS STANDARDS ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM WHAT THE FUCK

The film crew is following him on a date. "Do you have any survival skills? Do you believe the US could financially collapse??" Jeff asks this poor woman. She says no to both and asks what brought him to the area.

"I own an an underground missile silo I'm converting to an underground fortress in case there's a catastrophic financial collapse"

The camera stays on her face as her social smile falls away and she gets the "well he probably won't murder me in front of a camera crew" look

He has booked 3 dates in a row. The 2nd woman hunts, quilts, and can operate a backhoe. His little beady eyes light up. She says she could see herself living in an underground missile silo if she cared about him.

She hopes he calls her but he's not going to because she's fat and he's shallow as fuck is my prediction.

The third woman thinks he's crazy and should have bought a beachfront property instead of a missile silo.

He called the first woman back and for some reason she agreed to go see his silo tomorrow?? STEPHANIE NO. RUN.

He says he needs to blindfold her to keep the location a secret. She says she's not comfortable with that but he pressures her and she gives in. HONEY NO.

She's very obviously terrified and he's bragging about how he "colors outside the lines" and like... It's so obvious that he thinks this is a meet cute story they will tell their kids and she is questioning whether she's going to live through this.

Oh my God she tells him his invitation to be his bunker buddy in his dank booby trapped murder hole is forward for a second date and his response is to say "Creepy" while laughing. HE KNOWS HE'S BEING A CREEPY FUCK HOW MANY WOMEN HAS HE MURDERED DOWN HERE

Like at the VERY LEAST he's really getting off on her being afraid and uncomfortable and I hope he gets trapped in his murder hole and starves this is so horrible to watch.

Like it's abundantly clear this dude is absolutely unserious, he's owned it for 3 years and hasn't figured out electricity?? Or water? He hasn't even made one fucking section livable, he just comes here with his creepy buddies and builds murder traps.

OH WAIT his water plan is to drink the 1.4 million gallons of rain water that have seeped into the missile silo itself. NO THANK YOU. Nope. I have been around missiles I do not trust that there is not terrible crap leaching into that water.

He rapelled all the fuck the way down to it to get one Gatorade bottle which he is pouring through 2 feet of sand to filter it. DO NOT DRINK THAT STEPHANIE. DO NOT.

Stephanie does not drink the water.

"We could make a good team at this" says Jeff.

"Maybe" says Stephanie, who just wants to get out of here alive.

"I'd consider going on another date with him," she says, after getting out of the silo but before getting back to her car.

I want to know what she said to her best friend after she got home.

The prepper experts give him 2 months survival time which is wildly optimistic considering he has no food stockpile, no fields, no garden, and no livestock.

The update from 2 months later is that he is still availably single and has not gone on any more dates w Stephanie. GOOD.

AND THAT'S A WRAP. I gotta go feed dogs.

Do we want to do one more after I feed dogs or are we tired of MURDER HOLES

Ok here we go. Dogs are fed, I took my night meds, kerosene lamps are out. I am all tucked up in bed here in my off grid yurt which would not get a good prepper score because I do not store freeze dried food and freeze dried water nor will I wantonly murder in the apocalypse.

Hi, I'm your host Shepherd and I believe that every single one of these people has, as my grandaddy would say, more money than sense.

This episode is titled "Pain is good". I hate it already. Get your snacks and let's get ready to meet our first weirdo.

Ooooookay. His name is Craig. He's a white guy living in Fairbanks, Alaska. "I'm preparing for a TOTAL GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER!" he says over footage of him jumping his boat across a sandbar.

I can already tell I don't like him.

Craig thinks the national debt will cause economic collapse, followed by social unrest, followed by the government declaring martial law and taking his guns away.

Every single one of these assholes is a 2 time Mango Mussolini voter. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

This season was shot during Obama's presidency and aired in 2012 or 13 I think. So they're all very much responding to the nascent right wing fuckery.

Except the people who are responding to the ghost named Greta who is telling them a comet is going to hit the planet. They're... Doing their own thing.

Craig thinks the government will try to tell him what he can eat, what he can wear, what he drive. There is a 100% chance Craig currently refuses to wear a mask.

Yeah so Craig started prepping when Obama got elected. 4 years later he's spending 4 hours a day watching the news searching for signs of censorship and hounding his youngest daughter, who lives at home, about what she did to prepare for martial law that day.

He seriously thinks Fairbanks will be a big govt priority.

Anyway now he's woken his daughter up for a bug out drill and they're going to take off to the hide out.

His daughter, incidentally, says he's exhausting. His wife and oldest daughter "are elsewhere in Alaska pursuing medical degrees".

Craig is talking about how hard Alaskan Preppers are. I imagine you can learn the local indigenous word for "asshole" by asking what they call Craig.

K so he's gonna get to his hide out via boat and he's planted explosives in trees along the river so he can topple the trees into the river and then nobody can get past.

Except, I dunno, by portaging a kayak? Going off road over land maybe?

Are you allowed to just blow up trees and block navigable rivers in Alaska because in the lower 48 there's, like, laws against that. I feel like booby trapping trees is also inadvisable?

Like he legit has explosives taped into trees along this river? This seems like a bad idea?

Anyway they get to "the dome" and apparently Mr Brilliant stored something tasty in a regular galvanized trash can which has been smashed by a bear.

The dome is a 20 foot diameter dome by Intershelter. These days one will run you $18,600 before shipping.

We are now meeting Craig's prepper buddy, Don. "I don't want a prepper from the states, I want an Alaskan," says Craig, a white settler dude, of his white settler dude buddy Don.

Don was coming to meet them so Craig threw a net over him and tackled him.

"Luckily he identified himself before I drew my pistol," says Don, a dude who would have been extremely dead if that hadn't been his best racist buddy.

They decide they will hunt moose. Craig takes to the river in the boat where his tactic is to... Charge the boat at a bull moose? Because he's hoping it will die laughing? It wanders out of the river and into the woods.

Don is wandering the banks of the river making moose noises. A young bull stops to stare at him so he shoots it, which is way more effective than charging at it.

The prepper experts give them 82/100 points for 17 months initial survival time, the highest anyone has seen yet.

"I think these numbers are bullshit. Practical Preppers can kiss my ass," says Craig.

Well all right then.

Our next prepper is David Lakota and I bet he was not born with that last name and that he is not Lakota. He believes he is in tune with the mystical forces of nature and has having visions of himself living in paradise.

13 years ago he followed the visions of living in paradise to Hawaii to get away from the hypocrisy of people but now he's afraid of a catastrophic tsunami.

David doesn't believe he needs the tsunami warning systems, he believes he will get a vision because of his mystical connection to nature that tells him if he needs to go or stay.

Mmmmhmmm

Ahahaha so he's on Oahu. In the event of a tsunami he and his girlfriend are going to try to outrun it in a kayak to paddle to a back entrance to a trail up Waimea Canyon.

They're not taking anything with them, not even their shoes. Mother Nature will provide.

So of course they get to the beach where they'll start the climb and he immediately stabs himself in the foot with his oar.

Ok so he...very nearly extra separated two toes. Like he stabbed himself in the foot between two toes and nearly went all the way through and they show him wiggling it around and his girlfriend is like "wow it's all full of sand."

But they didn't bring any medical supplies so instead she finds a Noni plant and they chew it up and stuff it in this gaping wound.

"The pain feels good because I know it's going to work on the bacteria," says David, a man who probably needs minor foot surgery.

"If it wasn't for this Noni seed, even by tomorrow the infection would be serious," says David.

I mean are they gonna stop him if he's getting gangrene??

David explains you should ask permission of nature before drinking from streams over a chiron saying the Hawaiian park service says boil stream water so you don't get leptospirosis.

David is now asking his intuition if an unknown berry is safe to eat. His intuition says it tastes good, so it's fine. A chiron says don't do that.

The body, says David, is an antenna in tune with the rest of the universe, so you just have to ask "universe, should I eat these?" and it will be fine.

I'm not sure how David made it to adulthood.

They have run out of water so David is now drinking his own urine.

"Tastes like chamomile tea" he says.

A chiron says that experts advise that drinking your own urine can dehydrate you further.

His girlfriend gags and refuses to drink his urine. He looks disappointed.

Now they're going to climb a cliff with only their hands and feet.

I really cannot wait for the experts to evaluate his preparedness.

"There's no better way to survive than to have the life force as your ally," says David after they make the top. This is a man who is going to need antibiotics after stabbing himself in the foot because he didn't bring shoes and then he drank his own urine.

"God is talking to you and you may not like what you hear but the alternative is to face disaster unprepared," SAYS THE MAN WHO DRANK HIS OWN URINE BECAUSE HE DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH BOTTLES TO CARRY WATER