When Trump was elected four years ago, I entered what seemed to be a nightmare. I'd started transition in May of 2016, and I'd planned to come out in 2017. And then a monster was appointed to rule the nation in which I live.

What this election means to me: for the past four years, I have lived in fear. Every single day, without exception, I've been stalked by the fear. I'm not actually exaggerating. You can probably remember the low points of the past four years; for me, they're all low points.

Every day. I have been afraid every day.
If you haven't experienced that, it's very hard to describe. Everything is grey. It's hard to feel joy. You sleepwalk through life. The small victories are empty and meaningless, because they're all happening against a backdrop of horror.

The past year has been really, really crushing. I've been well past 'depressed, as recently as a week ago and as far back as a year ago. The past year has been so much worse than the three that came before it.

I know Biden isn't ideal. I swore I wouldn't vote for him if he was nominated, because he's not the person the country needs to heal. There were better candidates running; I voted for one of them in the primary.

But here's what Biden is for me: an end to the fear.

The possibility of a life without the droning buzz of fear serving as the soundtrack.

I don't know if I can ever heal from the past year. My instinct is that I can't, that I'll always be damaged. But at least... at least I can live with what's left of me, without the fear.

I see a lot of people being very angry at the centrists who are celebrating Biden. A lot of leftists dripping venom into my timeline. And I get it, but

i might get to live without fear again

and that means i might get to live again

and i'm sorry if that's insufficiently leftist of me but

i was so close to breaking

i was so close to an ending

but i survived, and i'm going to hold onto that, and i'm going to excise you from my life if you dare to make me feel guilty for feeling something like hope again.