#GayaSaPelikulaEp07 So one of my favourite lines from last night was Karl's "Ganito mo pala ako nakikita." While that is a romantic realization in itself, I also can't help but look at it in another dimension: Karl's insecurity and what feels like self-hate underneath.

If anything, I feel like this episode highlighted that insecurity. It started when Vlad's "dyowa mong cutie" was mentioned by Tito Santi. The entire time, it's all that occupied Karl's headspace which is why he's been dodging Vlad's gestures the entire time.

It ate him up too much that he even went as far as to eavesdrop on Vlad's call, copy the phone number that was calling him, and also tried to call it to "confirm" who it was.

Even when he found out that it was Anna anyway, he still can't get over that trust issue during dinner. So he was not denying Vlad's gesture here bcos he's conscious of Ate Judit or Tito Santi. He was too absorbed in the story he's already created in his head.

In here comes another dimension: "Ayoko nang mag-isip." Karl has always consistently acted & made all these gestures for Vlad w/o considering first what it might mean to him. The birthday surprise, the dance. So in a way Ate Judit was right to call him out on this one thing:

For me, she still cornered him though but she was right to kind of make Karl realize that he's been acting out on all these (jealous) feelings without defining the relationship and if he's not ready, then he probably shouldn't.

Part of owning your story is also taking responsibility of your actions. As much as you want to be in the moment and to be driven by your emotions (bcos that's where the sincerity lies), you also need to be prepared for the consequences.

Not to disregard his own personal journey in coming to terms with his sexuality, but he definitely needs to gather and make sense of what he feels for Vlad and confront the complications that come w/ it. He needs to tell him when they have that talk.

Going back to Karl and his insecurity: maybe i'm just projecting, but I kind of always feel that there's self-hate brimming there. He's always scared of how other people perceive him. He's always conscious that there are people that might be looking.

His parents don't look at him as the real Karl, but the Karl that is his brother. So that's where self-hate comes in: am I not enough? Am I really just here to fill in the void? When Vlad came into the picture, he experienced being the "bida" for the first time.

So much so that he momentarily forgot that there was an ex and when he was finally reminded of that, all the insecurity and the self-loathing starts coming in again. When he finally found out about the surprise, that's when he realized he shouldn't have been too doubtful of Vlad.

I feel like this would be amplified more in Season 2 especially if the ex will definitely be in the picture. (Dreading it now).

Anyway, I guess that is my beef with Karl. I hope he trusts himself more. I hope he sees that he's special, too. I hope he knows he is loved.

He can learn from Vlad about being loud with his love. Not immediately, but over time when he continues to accept what's hanging around him. Choosing carefully what he can take in, and what he should reject.

I mean you can only go on for so long in your life just taking in whatever it throws at you. As much as that confrontation scene was too much to take, he needed that to finally reflect and not hide behind an excuse of not being brave enough.

Ofc, there is still that element of socioeconomics and other barriers, but overcoming those always start with facing yourself and choosing your battles. Karl cannot be the man his parents expect him to be, but he can become a man that takes ownership of himself and his story.

This was difficult to write. But as always, it is one of the things that I love about Karl. I'm a fan of growth and I love seeing a character go through changes. If he's scarred at the end of it, I'm happy bcos he learned. I'm happy bcos he finally knows himself.

Last note: So much of Karl's issues really come from the way he was brought up; the biases instilled in him. Kaya pwede ba, #SOGIEEqualityNow #PassADBNow so kids don't have to grow up hating themselves for NOT being someone their parents/society expect them to be.