Let's be clear here again: being a woman isn't about lipstick, Charlotte, nor "that perfect blue eyeliner", Niamh, nor some god-awful petticoat-skirt-frilly-blouse-and-pearls combo, Sophie-Grace. Neither is it about behaving a certain way that aligns with "50s housewife", Jane.

Being a woman isn't a FECKING COSTUME. It's not something you play with and then take off when you feel like it. It's a LIVED BIOLOGICAL REALITY.

You think you can "woman" better than actual women, don't you? You really believe this. If only women would woman like you woman, then women would be perfect, wouldn't they? You completely misunderstand what being a woman is.

Why doesn't anyone who's trying to "woman" better than actual women, ever wear what actual women wear 90% of the time? Jeans? Tracksuit bottoms? Or (yes) leggings? Or an abaya? Or a hijab? Or a shalwar kameez? Why, WHY is it ALWAYS with the DRESSES and the SKIRTS and the HEELS?

ALL the fecking conversations, from the Niamhs and the Charlottes and the Sophie-Graces, revolve around "TELLING women what they REALLY should be like". Because it comes from "SEEING what women should be like, from a non-woman perspective".

And all the visuals are about "SHOWING women what they SHOULD look like- again, seen through the prism of a non-woman perspective". Hence the frilly skirts and blouses, or the skintight mini-dresses, or the lipstick. Never, ever, a fecking sports jersey, or a trouser suit.

Show up in a trouser suit with baby sick down the back, Niamh. Show up in a t-shirt and a pair of leggings with sticky toddler handprints on them, Charlotte. Show up in an oversized tunic to hide your post-partum belly, Sophie-Grace. THEN tell us you're a woman.

Have that conversation with yourself about the white trousers and what day it is, Jane. Have the chat with yourself about whether you wear pyjamas or a nightie, and whether you put the white sheets on the bed. THEN tell us you're a woman.

And for the love of GOD, stop looking down on women, now that you identify as one, and thinking how much of a better woman you are than those ludicrous wans with their periods and their blood and their pain and their pesky post-partum problems.

You really think you've upgraded to Woman 2.0, don't you? All the "sex appeal", none of the problems. You think you've got the whole thing sorted.

Except that women aren't bots, or dolls, and they say, (in a man's immortal words): "If you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?"