So, late last night, major news was leaked to two newspapers that the government is set to announce a new full national lockdown on Monday because deaths were soaring and they had clearly lost control of the virus.

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The news comes despite the Tories repeatedly insisting they wouldn't have to implement another national lockdown because their £12Bn Test and Trace system was supposedly working perfectly fine (it isn't) and localised measures would be enough to control the virus (they aren't).

Predictably, the Tories were so overconfident in their own idiocy that they went as far as calling Keir Starmer a "shameless opportunist" who was "playing political games" after he echoed the government's own scientific advisors to demand a 2-week circuit breaker on Oct 13th.

Quite understandably, the fact that the Tories' latest lockdown u-turn has been brought to the public's attention through leaks to national newspapers - rather than concrete announcements directly from the government themselves - has caused huge public confusion and concern.

In respose to the public panic, a Downing Street source has now confirmed that Boris Johnson instigated an investigation into the source of the leak.

In terms of the source, only four people are believed to have had knowledge of the decision: Boris Johnson, Rishi Sunak, Matt Hancock and Michael Gove - meaning the leak must have come from one of them.

Furthermore, the news was leaked to just two outlets: The Daily Mail and The Times.

(In entirely unrelated news, Michael Gove is an irredeemably slimy weasel (not rare for a Tory Cabinet member I know) whose wife just happens to work for The Daily Mail and previously The Times.)

However, the source of the leak is only the start of the ridiculousness.

Astonishingly, in the past few minutes, an even more critically important piece of news has been leaked to the media!

Government sources are now saying that Boris Johnson is considering bringing his national lockdown announcement forward to as early as tonight - a move which will obviously create even worse public panic due of the extremely short timeframe people will have to get organised!

So the government has had to bring forward the national lockdown because news of the national lockdown was leaked and now the news that they've had to bring forward the national lockdown because of the leak has been leaked.

You actually couldn't write this level of incompetence.