Thread by @torriangray, My eldest brother spent most of his 20s in the Navy. He [...]

My eldest brother spent most of his 20s in the Navy. He joined as part of a bargain my dad worked out with his principal in order to allow him to graduate with his sub 2.0 GPA. I’m not sure what he did in the Navy, but I assume he kept the USS Truxtron from lilting to port.

While he was overseas he developed a fascination with Asia, which is surprising given his racism. If I had to guess the reason is that he’s more sexist than he is racist and his racist ass believes Asian women are more subservient.

When I was pretty young he announced he was bringing a wife back from the Philippines. Some things about his bride: she lived in Manila from the age of 16 on her own without ever having a job, she had a bullet wound scar, and she had an uncle in a Christian guerrilla group.

She told us a charming tale about the first time she was him in a Manila Chili’s. She told her friends “If you touch him I’ll kick your ass. He’s mine.” Lady knew a mark when she saw one.

Only problem is she assumed he was a dumb, rich American. He was just dumb.

Within days she was hitting on my dad and another of my brothers in an attempt to move up the financial ladder, but when that was met with confused stares, she doubled down and they began the process of planning their Vegas wedding.

My grandmother flew everyone out to Vegas (I refused to go).

While everyone was waiting to go into the chapel they saw a man pick up a prostitute on his bike. She hopped up on the handlebars and off they went.

My brother was stuck in a tiny booth bashing into the walls, swearing while he changed.

“I think he’s nervous,” observed my grandma.

But ultimately he made it out to be joined in holy matrimony with his new wife. By an Elvis impersonator.

Their marriage was fraught with difficulties. He got a job working at the Department of Economic Security. She’d come in on his pay day and play solitaire until he got paid, collect his check, cash it, and go shopping.

Whatever was left got sent to her family back home.

There were always maladies back home. She told him once that a banana tree fell on her uncle’s house and crushed it. Have you ever seen a banana tree?

I did enjoy her tales from back home, like the time her sister was supposed to get married but a ghost kidnapped her. They found her two days later in a tree, so after that all the men in their village slept around the house to guard her from the ghost.

I mean, what?

I have a lot of stories from their stupid marriage, but eventually she figured out my brother wasn’t a cash cow and headed home. She claimed she was dying of leukemia (I doubt it), and revealed she was still married to a man back on the Philippines and had two kids. So yeah.

My brother went through a bunch of odd women, including two Hmong sisters who went by the names Fanta and Pepsi, before focusing in on another Philippine woman—this one young enough to be his daughter because of course.

This woman is educated. She works as a special education teacher here in the states. They used my brothers VA loan to get into a house which she’s started filling up with clothes. He has two drawers for clothes, she has all the closets.

A friend of hers got kicked out of her home. She had run up 20k in credit card debt. Her husband split it with her and helped her pay it off and said they had to make decisions on finances together.

So she ran up the cards again once they were paid off.

This friend moved in.

The friend moved in with two other friends from the Philippines and they spent all day talking and laughing and monopolizing the kitchen.

My brother lost a weird amount of weight because he couldn’t get access to the kitchen all day which I find darkly hilarious.

Since he’s miserable at home he spends most of his time out of the house with some friends who are preppers and believe a second civil war is coming. So they hide caches of supplies, drive around the desert, shoot things up. Idiot LARPer shit.

He recently decided it would be a good idea to get a concealed carry permit. And to get his wife one. So they have tons of martial strife, financial pressure, and they’re both armed at all times.

I think this will work out great.

I don’t say this to be mean, but I think my brother may be of less than normal intelligence. He’s a concrete thinker who has no capacity for abstract thought. And she’s no genius either. Sometimes I horrify myself thinking about what they talk about.

So I’ll imitate her and say “Daaavid, what if we had a cupcake that was so big we could live in it?”

So I drew it.

I’m hesitant to post this next drawing, but what the hell. My brother said of her once that David kissed a princess and she remained a frog, and I can’t stop thinking about how great a burn that is so.

i’m sorry

She’s a bit of a hoarder and has almost filled up their four bedroom house. She has a whole room filled with clothes still in bags that was all put on credit cards.

Every outfit has matching a matching pair of shoes and a purse.

When he tries to say they should be more careful with money she yells at him and says it’s cultural difference, or that it’s due to the age difference.

I’d feel bad for him but he’s a bad person who I think thought he was going to take advantage of this person but oh well.

I should cut this off here, but one last tidbit. He financed his trip to the Philippines to hook up with her (and to become a pastor) by taking a $10k check meant for my company and keeping it for himself, but that’s another dumb story.

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