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I don’t know what it is about this week, but my mental health has been absurdly shaky. Worse than it’s been in a while. Deep depression, anxiety, lack of sleep, with a few moments of calm or productivity tossed in. It’s been a roller coaster and I am so goddamn tired of it.
Gave myself permission to take the night off even though I have a pile of client work that needs to be done. All I want is to sleep, but I know if I get in bed I won’t move again and I still need to eat something and take Peanut out.
It’s strange to be so exhausted and restless at the same time. I’ll find myself walking between the rooms in my apartment not knowing what it is I’m trying to do. It’s like I can’t even hold on to a thought long enough to focus on anything that might make me feel better.
I don’t really say any of this to whine about it. I’m not looking for a solution because I know this is something that just has to be gone through before it can pass. But I’m frustrated at my complete inability to “just snap out of it”. I want to, but that’s not how it works.
So...I’m warming up some food. I’m starting a load of laundry. I’m moving. But my brain is completely whacked out. Luckily one of my clients was super understanding and told me she could wait on her stuff until early next week. No work tonight...just...anxiety and...whatever.
I’ve tried to be pretty open whenever I go through this nonsense so people know what it looks like. It’s not all lying in bed crying, though that happens, too. It’s memory loss, it’s lack of focus, it’s anxiety over “running out of time”, though for what you don’t really know.
It’s not being able to stay asleep even though you’re dead tired. Or it’s sleeping for fourteen hours in a day. It’s knowing you HAVE TO GET WORK DONE, but staring at the wall for hours instead because you can’t make yourself move.
It’s calling yourself lazy because normally you’re a complete workaholic so any downtime even time you need to recover is a foreign concept. So GOD, why can’t you just get things done already?! But your brain won’t let you.
For me it’s not being able to eat because the thought alone makes me ill, but then guess what? I feel ill because I don’t eat. It’s a vicious cycle of feeling helpless, angry, tired, frustrated, sad, etc. Mostly, it’s nothing good and you don’t get a break until it all lifts.
I don’t know how coherent this thread is because I’m having trouble thinking straight. Or I might be repeating things? But all of this is part of the *waves vaguely* mess that happens when your brain just randomly decides to sabotage you.
