Does this not pass the smell test?

Hunter Biden, living in CA, decides to fly to Delaware to drop off a laptop for repair at a strip mall computer shop (as one does). Shop owner is MAGA, but YOLO, right?

He decides to never pick up his laptop full of very compromising information, family photos, and curated porn. Security footage of the drop-off? Existed! But, alas, vanished.

But fear not, very MAGA but very impartial & upstanding computer guy swears it was Hunter who dropped it off. He also happens to be legally blind and uses a cane to navigate. He knew it was Hunter’s though, because of the Beau Biden Foundation sticker on the laptop. Obviously.

Naturally, computer guy didn’t erase & sell the unclaimed laptop. He took the very normal and very cool step of cloning the hard drive and sorting through thousands of emails to find one that suggests “Hunter” might have tried to arrange a meeting with his dad.

His dad—one Mr. Joseph Biden, is a private citizen at large and thus free to meet with anyone he wants. Even so, there’s no evidence any meeting ever occurred.

Enter the former Mayor of Gotham and current Mayor of Clowntown, Rudolph William Louis Giuliani.

Rudy Giuliani...“cybersecurity expert,” hidden-camera cock adjuster, and talking set of dentures who was most recently tricked by fucking Borat in what I can only assume is a bid to make people forget these shoes. Bad Rudy G has ‘confirmed’ information not even the FBI could.

Rudy was so worried about the intel, he sat on the laptop for months—until 3 weeks before the election.

Naturally, it proves Hunter is a satanic pederast and dope-addled international man of crimes, but the proof is very secret and for Rudy’s trained eyes only.

There’s a video of Hunter’s drug-soaked fuckfests, of course. Yes it exists. No, you may not see it. Nor can anyone else. You just gotta trust Rudy. If you can’t trust the man who swept the homeless from Manhattan like pigeon carcasses into the East River, who can you trust?

Note that this all hinges on emails, which can literally be copied infinitely. Rudy refuses to send any electronic proof of these emails to anyone. Again, they are definitely real. Again, not a single news agency has actually seen any proof, except for photos of printed emails.

He was ‘confirming’ it the same time Trump received an intel briefing that Rudy was unknowingly being used by Russian operatives to spread disinformation.

Rudy, tired of getting clowned, tweets some more “source material” text messages…except he forgets to crop out the part that shows the phone it’s on being connected to MTS, a Russian mobile network…as in the phone was literally in Russia.

Cybsecurity expert, mind you.

This was all also investigated by a real Post reporter who refused to put their name on it, as no part of it could be verified. Several news outlets also passed on the story for the same reason. FoxNews and WSJ passed.

Good call, since it was written by Sean Hannity’s producer.

*Soviet National Anthem plays*

By...by God...that’s Tony Bobulinski’s music! It’s Tony Bobulinski with a steel chair! Biden’s in real trouble now!

Bobulinksi, fresh from trying to outwit Moose and Squirrel, alleges he met with Biden to discuss a Chinese business deal. He has proof, of course, but—stop me if you’ve heard this one—he has not shown the documents to anyone.

Never to be outdone, the WSJ opinion section publishes a Bobulinkski piece that alleges the above Chinese deal. Note: opinion section, not news. The very next day, the WSJ news section refutes the entire thing, using Bobulinksi’s source material.

*Slide whistle fanfare and galloping of penny loafers*

Enter Tucker Carlson. With a bombshell. All the emails. Unfortunately, these only existed as single physical copies. E-mails. Electronic mails. Infinitely copiable electron-based mails only existed as one physical copy.

Sadly, these printed non-electronic emails were lost (stolen by the deep state!) in the mail, and no one ever made copies. These operatives were so thorough that they left the envelope on the floor—the postal equivalent of a horse head in America’s bed. A message, if you will.

Finally we have Martin Aspen, Swiss intelligence operative. He is the basis for many of these allegations and made it public in a dossier that POTUS himself received. This is definitely not a case of someone wanting their own Steele Dossier.

Cinch down your genitals for this news: it turns out Martin Aspen is not real. Literally, they made his face on a face generator and gave him a LinkedIn profile at a fake company. No one by that name even lives in Switzerland.

Now, I know you’re thinking that there’s no way the accusations against Hunter Biden—a man very much not running for President—could be true. But I ask...does this sound made up to you? Do you *really* think it’s all FAKE? Does it not pass the smell test?

Don’t let the seemingly endless wellspring of hamfisted incompetence by Seb Gorka, a washed up Mayor, and a brain-damaged Alex P. Keaton throw you off.

Don’t be bamboozled. You cannot risk a vote for Hunter Biden. The moral soul of America is at stake.

Rudy is counting on you.

PS: there are people out there who think Hillary’s team made up the Russian collusion evidence against Trump.

So, let’s play devil’s advocate and say they did. For funsies...

I’d much rather the world’s most nefarious government and lone superpower be run by people who crafted evidence so good it took the former FBI Director two fucking years to investigate it all instead of the people whose idea of an authentic Swiss name is “Martin Aspen.”

I mean I might’ve gone with Claus Müller or Eric Bauer or Hans Schmidt or fuckin’ Johannes Von Trapp or something.

Maybe not “Marty Pinetree.”

But I’m no Rudy Giuliani.