angst hours.
CW // vomit (non sexual). Veryyyy dubcon
katsuki distances himself from deku after graduation and deku is, understandably, crushed. He thought that they had made considerable strides in their relationship during their three years at UA.

He guesses it was just his optimism getting the best of him.
Katsuki doesn't pick up calls, answer text messages or respond to emails. There is nothing deku can do to reach him; it's like yelling into the void.

Deku eventually finds out that katsuki has in fact been keeping in touch with Kirishima, though. It breaks his heart. All deku wanted was to be an important part of kacchan's life; and he tried /so/ hard as well. He put in the time, the effort. The love.

He thinks maybe it was just never meant to be. Perhaps all they ever were to kacchan was two ships passing in the night. It didn't matter that deku had gotten attached, or that kacchan had been such an integral part of deku's growth, because at the end of the day

it seemed that the only thing katsuki had ever been decisive about when it came to /them/ was that he was going to leave and he wasn't going to look back.

Deku isnt proud to admit it, but he cries that night. He knows it's pathetic, missing someone who saw you as less than the dirt beneath their feet so fervently, but it's impossible not to miss someone like kaccan. it's /kacchan/ after all.

He tries to talk to Kirishima about Kacchan and where his life is at and finds out only the barest of details. He finds out Kacchan went to Basque of all places and is working under an up-and-coming agency.

'It's almost as if his only goal was to get out of here,' deku jokes.
Kirishima gives him an apologetic smile. Deku pretends not to see.
When he searches for the agency on google and locates a list of the heroes working there, he realises Kacchan's name is not on the list.

He feels betrayed, but doesn't bring it up again with Kirishima.

They do meet again, eventually. It's five years after graduation and kacchan returns to japan abruptly on the government's request.
When deku lays eyes on him, he imagines that this is what it would be like to see a dead person in the living, breathing flesh again.

He thinks that if he stares too hard, kacchan's figure will begin to shimmer like a mirage and disappear into the cityscape.

'K-kacchan...you're back! It's great to see you. I-we've missed you so much!'
Kacchan doesn't even try to smile. He grunts a 'yeah' and then turns back to the tedious paperwork at hand.

Almost all the class 1-A students go out for drinks that night. Kirishima seems to be keeping a watchful, apprehensive eye over kacchan for the first half of the night and deku thinks about all the horrible, illegal things he wants to do to him.

How /dare/ he pretend to be kacchan's keeper. How dare he be more important than deku. He wants to fucking smash something expensive.

Eventually, Kirishima gets too drunk to care and deku gets too drunk to be sad. Instead he gets angrier.
He gets angry at Kirishima for lying to him and making him look fucking stupid. He gets angry at himself for fixating so heavily on his relationship with his childhood bully.

But most of all, he gets angry at kacchan for-for-
Kacchan leaves the booth to use the bathroom and deku slides out from the grimy circular banquette before his superego can do its job.

Once they're in the hallway, deku abruptly grabs a hold of kacchan's collar, forcing him to whirl around and meet his drunken gaze.
'Wha-Deku?!' There is no disgust or anger in Kacchan's expression, just surprise, and for that deku is grateful.

He can feel everything rising to the surface like a balloon made of white, hot rage.
He tights his grip and twists until he can feel his knuckle dig into kacchan's neck.
'Wh-why did you do that, Kacchan?'
Deku is still half a head shorter than kacchan, but in that moment

he feels like he's some sort of titan because the expression that flashes across Kacchan's face would be devastating in any other situation. Right now, however, it is the needle that bursts that white hot balloon.

'What?' Kacchan asks quietly, but deku can tell that he knows. He always did, but he still did it anyways.
'Why the FUCK did you leave? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE /ME/?' WHY-why-'
Deku can't see straight. He can't tell whether it's the alcohol or the anger.

'WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP MY CALLS, WHY DIDNT YOU ANSWER MY MESSAGES?! WHY DIDN'T YOU WANT TO T-TALK TO ME?!'
There is a beat of silence that is filled only by deku's laboured breathing, then it is broken by his sobs.

'Was I...was I not good enough? What did I do wrong..I just-I just wanted to be kacchan's-' he hiccups into his hand, scarred and crooked from overuse.
There is another hand, then, Kacchan's hand, that moves to cup deku's cheek with a tenderness that is so unlike him that deku

thinks he must be imagining it.
'Why am I not...not important to you-' It's all deku manages to force out of his constricting throat because there is a whispered 'fuck' on kacchan's end and then a pair of lips on his own

Deku makes a high-pitched noise of surprise into Kacchan's mouth and around his tongue because in those split seconds, the blonde has managed to slip it in. He kisses deku like he is a starving man sitting down to a feast, like he has been wanting to do it for /years/ and /years/

Deku is shaken by the suddenness of it all and lifts his quivering hands to kacchan’s shoulders. The kiss tastes like alcohol and chapped lips, but mostly it just feels /wet/ because he’s sobbing like a pathetic baby again.

He only realises that he hasn’t been kissing kacchan back when the latter pulls away with a bitter huff. ‘Thought so,’ he murmurs and begins to retract his hand from deku’s tear-stained cheek.

Something primal rears its ugly head inside deku, something that tells him that it’s all happening /again/, that kacchan is going to turn around and leave him /again/ /again/ /again/.

So he grabs at kacchan’s hand like it’s a lifeline and holds it firmly to his face. Deep breaths, he tells himself, deep breaths, and then he’s dragging kacchan down to meet him halfway.

He makes sure that he’s taking charge for this second kiss; he makes sure he’s swiping his tongue along kacchan’s, and he makes sure he’s biting ravenously at his lips because it’s his turn to be the starving man. That would make sense.

Kacchan obliges and spins them around so deku’s back hits the wall with a dull thud. ‘Fuck fuck fuck’ he says between kisses.
Kacchan pulls back, finally, after what feels like an eternity of wet kissing.

Deku hasn’t seen kacchan in person for so long, but he can tell his eyes are ablaze with lust.
He leans down to whisper in deku’s ear.
‘I hate you so fucking much, deku. I fucking- everything here reminded me of you. /everything/. You were everywhere even when you weren’t.

What the fuck was I /meant to do/?’
If deku had read into that, he would’ve seen it for what it was: a declaration of a painful, enduring love.
But deku, buzzed on cheap liquor and pure adrenaline, only hears that kacchan hates him.

Oh it’s not enough, he thinks. Oh I haven’t done enough yet. Kacchan still hates me and I haven’t fixed it yet.

The night ends with Kacchan’s teeth on his neck and a rasped ‘let’s go back to my place.’

Kacchan does not touch him gently. He touches him like he wants to rip deku apart and live inside him, and maybe he does. Deku wishes he was gentle, maybe then the feeling of discomfort which then morphs into downright terror that curls in his stomach would be easier to manage.

He /loves/ kacchan. He always did and he always will, but deep down inside he knows that he doesn’t love kacchan like this.
Don’t be ridiculous, deku thinks to himself as kacchan kisses his inner thigh, of course you do.

In his mind’s eye deku can see kacchan straightening up, putting his clothes back on and leaving if deku expresses any kind of hesitance, so he doesn’t.

At first, he thinks he can just lie there and take it, but then that little desperate voice pipes up again and tells him to engage properly.

Get on top, he’ll like that. Moan like a slut, he’ll like that. Let him cum inside you and then finger whatever dribbles out back into your asshole, he’ll like that.

Deku doesn’t feel the dreamy post-coital haze that his friends have told him about. Instead, he just feels kacchan’s sweaty chest against his back and his hot breath on his neck.

Oh, and the bile that’s steadily rising in his throat as he lies on his side and stares wide-eyed out the window.

He attempts to sit up and disentangle himself from his most important person in the world, but the muscled arms snake tighter around his waist, eliciting a pang of irrational panic in deku’s chest.

‘Kacchan,’ he frantically whispers.
Kacchan hums and pressed a kiss to deku’s shoulder.
Deku thinks he might throw up then and there.
‘Kacchan I need to go to the bathroom’
The blond bites him playfully on the bicep and lets go.
Oh he can feel the acid in his mouth.

He reaches the bathroom just in time and there is no doubt that the man he loves hears him spilling the contents on his guts into the toilet bowl.
Then, because he is still naked, he feels the cum he had blissfully forgotten slide down his thigh and he starts to cry in earnest.

Oh god, deku thinks to himself.
Breathe, you stupid piece of fucking shit, another voice says.
Now go back into that bedroom and be good, it hisses, and deku listens.

He goes back into the bedroom and runs his hands through kacchan’s beautiful hair and kisses him on the jaw and lets himself be held by yearning arms. Because if he doesn’t then he simply is not good enough, is he?

If he can’t give Kacchan everything he asks for then he will not have the right to ask him to stay, and if he can’t ask him to stay then he will surely leave again, and if he leaves again then what will happen to deku?

So he keeps going back so Kacchan can kiss him on the face, on the chest, on the tip of his cock, and deku pretends to love everything second of it.

He loves kacchan like a brother or a best friend; the best friend he has ever had and would undoubtedly do anything for him, including this.

pff sorry to break the flow but
CW // mentions of sexy peepee times piss kink

Deku tells kacchan he loves him because that at least is true, but sometimes he does it when he makes these disgusting faces as he’s being fucked from behind or when he’s begging to be pissed on, to be choked, to be eaten out.

He’s sure his friends realise by now that he throws up all the time, but they don’t mention it.

He hates the relationship he has with kacchan but by god does he love kacchan. He’ll stay by his side, even if it means having to stomach kacchan’s hand between his legs or his massive cock in deku’s mouth.

Whenever Deku gets too close to a breaking point, he forces himself to think about what could've been. What would’ve happened if deku hadn’t kissed him back that night? It makes him feel horrible enough to almost want to continue whatever kind of sex he’s having with Kacchan.

He’ll do it and he’d do it all over again if it means he gets to keep the fleeting moments this entanglement affords him, if it means he gets to keep the playful hair ruffles, the fond smirks, the hand that rests protectively on deku’s shoulder and does not stray southward.

As long as he gets to keep those crimson eyes and level gaze on him, he’ll do anything.

end

i dont know what came over me, don't expect this to happen again.