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How to write long fic when you’re extremely depressed, a writing Foxkill post-mortem by 
(mute me if you don’t want an overshare :P)
(mute me if you don’t want an overshare :P)
finish foxglove, feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. That’s 100k right there. Hell yeah. Open the doc to start Foxkill. Make an outline. Start writing.
stop.
start again— stop.
shit.
make a pretty graphic. in august. don’t use it for months and months. (You still haven't used it)
plan to take a break because maybe you’ve been writing too much long fic and some one shots might be nice.
write the one shots. struggle. participate in fandom events. struggle less. meet some cool people, get inspired. write the best thing you’ve ever written.
[It’s Eyes on Me 2: Bone-Town Boogaloo, and no, I’m not taking opinions on this fact.]
re-read Hinarizaki. try to inspire yourself. find sections you hate. contemplate re-writing them altogether. don’t because that will make everything worse.
watch the engagement numbers go up. feel excited. feel proud.
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start to feel (more) anxious
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start to feel (more) anxious
tell yourself it’s just covid depression (it’s not) tell yourself it’s seasonal affect disorder (it’s not yet) tell yourself it’s burnout (mmmmmm nope) tell yourself you’ll be better tomorrow (=_=)
it has been a month since your ‘break’ started and you’ve only written 548 words.
start to worry that the only reason people follow you is because of this series.
start to get anxious every time you open twitter. start to experience fomo. start to hate your own behaviours because you’re not acting like yourself.
leave twitter.
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it gets better. start writing.
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it gets better. start writing.
thank every star in the galaxy that you enjoy writing atsumu.
get mad at yourself for deciding to end the last story on an angsty note.
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writing angst makes you feel worse.
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writing angst makes you feel worse.
come back to twitter because you still have fomo. (and sometimes it's even fun.)
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try to be more chill (you’re not)
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try to be more chill (you’re not)
watch everything else get less engagement.
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watch your crappy unedited wip get more likes/rts/comments than a whole fic you poured your soul into
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remind yourself that engagement shouldn’t matter. You should write for yourself.
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watch your crappy unedited wip get more likes/rts/comments than a whole fic you poured your soul into
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remind yourself that engagement shouldn’t matter. You should write for yourself.
even if everyone is waiting for foxkill.
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keep watching the numbers go up.
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don’t throw up
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keep watching the numbers go up.
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don’t throw up
get a demanding comment (it is one of many) contemplate burning it all to the ground (deleting your ao3) and leaving fandom.
don’t. stay.
keep writing.
every second comment you get asks when the next one comes out. delete them. feel tired.
suffer and cry and hate yourself because writing shouldn’t be this hard. fandom should be fun, and what’s so fucking fun about this, hmmmm?
can’t you just post what you have? can you put up some paragraphs with your outline and call it a day.
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no. (because it needs to be worth it. you know the sunk cost fallacy is real and you don’t care.)
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no. (because it needs to be worth it. you know the sunk cost fallacy is real and you don’t care.)
struggle to finish writing a whole goddamned chapter and hate yourself because this is 100x harder than before. finish it and realize you’ve written over 22k. hate yourself. laugh.
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feel dumb. laugh some more.
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feel dumb. laugh some more.
find sudden inspiration. need need need to write. need to get it done. feel kind of manic. it’s still hard but the motivation is there. you have purpose.
commission some talented artists for various scenes. make yourself excited.
keep writing.
hit that 80% finished stretch where it’s almost over but it’s not done and hit another emotional valley. this is why you hate writing long fic. this moment is the worst of all. the last 20% takes the longest. and it hurts.
question yourself. why? why? why do this to yourself? why keep going? the numbers make you sick. being seen feels awful. why would you do this to yourself?
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(why are you doing THIS to yourself?)
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(why are you doing THIS to yourself?)
[Because there has never been anything I’ve wanted to write more than what comes after.]
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[Because I wrote 170,000 words so I could get to the story I wanted to tell from the very beginning.]
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[Because I wrote 170,000 words so I could get to the story I wanted to tell from the very beginning.]
You started writing Foxkill on August 7th, 2020. You completed writing the draft on Oct 28, 2020.
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It took you 83 days.
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It took you 83 days.
Anyways, long story short, I’ve started writing Foxfire and I’m already at 12K in a day and a half
The intersection of depression and hyperfixation is a fascinating one baabbbeeeyyy
The intersection of depression and hyperfixation is a fascinating one baabbbeeeyyy
