Thread by @tamtamlaya, My BB and I’s story? Hihi.A thread.#SalamatRaStro I started this account

My BB and I’s story? Hihi.

A thread.

#SalamatRaStro

I started this account - my very first twitter account last april, just to know more about Glaiza, Rhian and TRMD.

#SalamatRaStro

Since we’re in a lockdown and I was still WFH that time, ang dami kong time. Fan girl na fan girl.

#SalamatRaStro

Kung sinusino nakakausap ko noon, but mostly sa comments lang.

#SalamatRaStro

Didn’t ever think (kahit for once) that I will eventually get to meet a co-fan. Kahit as friends.

#SalamatRaStro

I was very secretive of my identity I guess? Kala mo famous, bwisit. Haha.

#SalamatRaStro

So tamang pa-poll lang ako noon at pa-TP. Until I needed to get back to work.

#SalamatRaStro

Reality kicked in. We’re still in pandemic. Anxiety attacks. Breakdowns. Issues. I lost it.

I left Twitter for few weeks.

#SalamatRaStro

Pagbalik ko, ang daming messages. I was so touched by the thought that strangers can actually genuinely care about us.

#SalamatRaStro

One particular ‘stranger’ actually had tweets looking for me. Abnormal. Hahahah.

#SalamatRaStro

This ‘stranger’ would even tag me sa AU updates (kahit hindi na ako active) kasi she know for a fact na naaaliw akong magbasa ng mga yun? Idk.

#SalamatRaStro

When I came back, I thanked her kasi naramdaman ko yung care. Kakaiba.

#SalamatRaStro

Before ako mag-inactive noon, she even messaged me giving her phone number. Weird. HAHAHAHA.

#SalamatRaStro

The messages were simple. But sweet. Especially from a stranger.

#SalamatRaStro

I remember saving her number before I took a break, kahit with no intentions of messaging her kasi nga ‘stranger’ and I’ve never opened up to one!

#SalamatRaStro

So after weeks nga, bumalik ako thinking I was okay na.

#SalamatRaStro

I was happy and overwhelmed. Ang daming messages showing concern. But I didn’t know how to ask for help. Pakiramdam ko walang makakaintindi sa akin. It made me feel worse.

#SalamatRaStro

Wala pa ata akong isang araw nagbabalik, I decided to leave again. This time, hindi lang basta inactive. I deactivated TAM.

#SalamatRaStro

Akala ko hindi na ako babalik sa twitter. Pero aside sa #RaStro, there’s one more thing na nakaaliw sa akin. AUs.

#SalamatRaStro

So, after few weeks again, I decided again to make another twitter account. This time, for the sole purpose of reading AUs.

#SalamatRaStro

I only followed authors. And well, that one particular ‘stranger’ I mentioned earlier. Kasi alam kong reader din sya e.

#SalamatRaStro

Then, I tweeted this - to of course look for recos kasi feeling ko nabasa ko na lahat. Hahahah.

#SalamatRaStro

The ‘stranger’ DMed me - again.

#SalamatRaStro

I said “again” because the first time she message me (in this account), it was also a reply sa tweet ko asking for something.

#SalamatRaStro

And so I just thought friendly lang talaga si Ate Stranger. She’s just probably replying to every inquiry sa twitter. Helpful ba. Hahaha.

#SalamatRaStro

I didn’t mind.

But maybe, there’s something within that day - 09/14/20 - kaya sinipag akong mag-reply din. Kasi tamad talaga akong mag-type to be honest.

#SalamatRaStro

We started talking until nakailan syang sabi na she’s feeling connected.

#SalamatRaStro

So I told her.

#SalamatRaStro

Iniisip ko hindi nya ako mahuhulaan kasi nga I was assuming nagd-dm sya sa lahat. Hahaha.

#SalamatRaStro

But I was wrong.

#SalamatRaStro

Tawang tawa ako. Kahit it felt weird na nahulaan nya sino ako. Hahaha.

#SalamatRaStro

It felt weird - and even weirder because the weird feeling felt comforting.

#SalamatRaStro

That day, I started opening up to her. As a friend of course. Still with no intentions na magpakilala o worse, magpakita.

#SalamatRaStro

I was using codes sa mga kwento. Letters for each character/person sa buhay ko. S for my sister halimbawa, ganon. Hahaha. I was very careful.

#SalamatRaStro

Until hindi ko na alam. HAHAHAHAHA. One morning, just few days after we started talking, I was frantically looking for her to share a story. Hindi ako makahintay na mag-online sya.

#SalamatRaStro

And so, I dialed her number. Pero kinabahan ako nung nag-ring kaya pinatay ko agad. Hahaha.

#SalamatRaStro

When she called back, I answered, but couldn’t speak (sa hiya), kaya pinatay ko agad uli.

#SalamatRaStro

I can’t remember if nakailang attempts kami bago ako nakapag-kwento talaga sa kanya. Hahaha.

#SalamatRaStro

Pero bilang tamad nga akong mag-type, mas na-enjoy ko ang phone calls.

#SalamatRaStro

However, dahil sa sobrang daldal ko rin naman talaga, ayun, nadulas ako sa kwento at nasabi ko ang pangalan ko just after few days of talking. Hahahaha.

#SalamatRaStro

Two weeks after we started talking sa other account ko, we decided to meet. Mehehe.

#SalamatRaStro

Mas matagal pa yung byahe nya kesa sa usap namin. Pero mapilit sya nun e. Sinabi ko nang saka na if we can spend a whole day. Pero makulit kaya hayaan.

#SalamatRaStro

Probably after another two weeks, nagkita uli kami.

#SalamatRaStro

Two-week intervals turned into four days.

#SalamatRaStro

Then since last week, halos daily na?

#SalamatRaStro

Later, I’ll see her again. But this time, it’ll probably be our last - at least for now.

#SalamatRaStro

She will be leaving for work - abroad. And knowing that my top love language is time, I don’t think we’ll make it. Kawawa sya. Aawayin ko lang sya for sure pag miss ko na. Hahaha.

#SalamatRaStro

I haven’t been in a relationship - not even with a guy. I didn’t even know I was into girls - or that I was open to having a relationship with same sex. I was homophobic years ago.

#SalamatRaStro

I am also still not okay with everything I went through the past months - or years.

#SalamatRaStro

So I asked her this - the time to think and make things clear for me while she’s away.

#SalamatRaStro

I wanna be sure of what I feel. Kasi baka kaya lang ganito ako ngayon ay dahil escape ko sya.

#SalamatRaStro

Ayoko namang ganun. She don’t deserve it. No one deserves a love na hindi sure.

#SalamatRaStro

I’ll try to heal on my own. I’ll try to regain all the self-love and respect I lost.

#SalamatRaStro

Idk. In the next months, I might realize that I’m really willing to take this into the next level.

#SalamatRaStro

Or I might realize I really wanted to be with a guy (and that I probably love my guy best friend). Idk.

#SalamatRaStro

I really don’t know. And that’s why I’m just leaving everything to faith and fate.

#SalamatRaStro

After all, my forever mantra has always been: What’s meant to be will always find it’s way.

#SalamatRaStro

So I guess we’ll just see what happens on 2021?

#SalamatRaStro

Thank you for reading til here. Feels good to actually open up and let go of several thoughts.

End.

#SalamatRaStro

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