TUCKER: ...and that's when my search brought me to a forest in Japan where I discovered the Gampi shrub, dating back to the 8th Century, a shrub that makes the most high quality paper in the world. Were the Hunter documents printed on this paper? No one in the forest could say...

TUCKER:..and the UPS driver who drove the documents said he drove at approximately 77mph on a highway that had a speed limit of 80mph, but a directional wind velocity impacted at that exact moment by isobars, which were packed closer together than normally, or so we thought...

TUCKER:..now I had never tried Fugu fish, and neither had any of the dockworkers stationed at the 100-year-old Café Peter Sport post office located remotely on the Azores islands. Had Hunter? Had his documents passed through this post office? Nancy Pelosi didn't know, or did she?

TUCKER:...we tried to revive her, but she had most certainly choked on a circus peanut, moments after seeing the UPS truck go by, carrying Hunter's documents. Now here is where it gets weird, and I want you to pay close attention. The woman was a blow up sex goat. A used one...

TUCKER:...7 pickled herring fillets, a Yellow Lady's Slipper Orchid, a George Hamilton look-alike, and a Debbie Gibson LP. Now if you are wondering what that had to do with Hunter's documents then clearly you haven't read Ayn Rand's The Virtue of Selfishness, or had you?...

TUCKER: ..."Kaj la poŝto neniam atingis la domon de Newt Gingrich. Lia edzino neniam vidis ĝin en ilia leterkesto. Ili estis ĉe sia hejmo multe lastatempe." That's what the one legged postmaster said to me, in Esperanto. But no one spoke Esperanto on our staff. Not even Geraldo..